What good are a love of words & supposed wisdom if when they're needed the most, in person, they fail you? It's just... frustrating.

My body aches, it heaves, it shakes
All summersaults through so-called art
And I still don't know exactly who I am
I never will, amen.

My panic research was no help
I sink into myself
Afraid of the fall that never ends
I wait, but I'm too tired to play pretend
I'll suffocate until the end

As autumn turns its back on me again
I climb the walls for oxygen

Things happened in half-time, I'm sick of the bends.

Recipe for Crappy Days:

Have your text messages ignored by the majority of the people you text.

Add an empty house.

A pinch of no car.

Beat at medium speed until you find out someone your age (if not younger) from your old church is getting married this month.

Bake until you feel unimportant.

Let cool while your mind freaks out from the silence and goes over every thought you DON'T want to think about.

Serve...no one.

For one extremely lonely person trying to fight the silence.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! One of the people from the Xanga staff promised to put in 10K himself if the fundraiser reached the LOWERED goal of 50K!! AND IT DID!! XANGA IS SAFE!! OH GOD!! This may appear silly to some of you, but for me this means the world. I can't believe this! 

Thank you SO SO much, John, for your generosity and understanding and kindness!

This place is my home,

I am SO RELIEVED I don't have to say goodbye to it... :)

I can't believe this is it... Goodbye, Xanga... The loss will be felt...

I still can't believe this...

I'm having trouble with LiveJournal, but haven't given up on it yet. But I will say, if you want to find me, keep your eyes on all portals and I'll let you know...

Blogspot: simply-zerah.blogspot.com

Tumblr: simply-zerah.tumblr.com

LiveJournal: jany_sword23.livejournal.com

WordPress: literarybug.wordpress.com

Twitter: literarybug

There's a lot I want to say, but I'm already struggling to stay awake so it may not happen tonight. I'll try my best to post early tomorrow morning/afternoon in hopes anyone and everyone can read it before the site goes down on the 31st...

Three days... They still need almost 15K dollars so it looks like...

It looks like this will be it...

I've had this site for at least ten years....

I really didn't want to see it go... My home...

I don't know what I'm going to do yet... As a reminder, my blogspot is Simply-Zerah, and I've also recently created a tumblr with the same name (simply-zerah). My wordpress is literarybug. Let's see what else... Oh, my livejournal is jany_sword23, maybe I'll go back there.

For ten years this was my home and "Snoochie" was the symbol of security...

Man... What will I do without this place...

[ Donate/Archive Your Posts ] 

So far WordPress and LiveJournal seem to be the big contenders because I've already associated BlogSpot with my writing that I don't think I'll be able to write as openly and about personal matters as I do here. Whereas, before Xanga, that's what I used to do on LiveJournal; and I had WordPress so briefly that I don't associate it with anything. So right now those two are the best bets (especially LiveJournal), but keep an eye on all portals (if you care) because whenever I decide what I'm doing I'll post an entry on them saying if you used to read my Xanga and would like to continue following me to just write me a message (I allow anonymous posting on all portals but in order to be NOTIFIED that I replied to you, be sure to leave an email in the comment settings or something) and I'll tell you where to look. [Keep "Snoochie" in mind because there ARE people *relatives* that I don't want reading this so I may ask for my Xanga alias as proof that you already knew me/read me before.]

For everyone who's ever stuck by me and read my thoughts and emotions all these years, thank you. And for those who commented support/advice, I thank you as well.

I'm really going to miss this place...

I still can't believe it's going to be gone...

P.S. This turned out a little long and I didn't even mention what I actually want to write about. -_- I hope I get it out in time... And actually, until I decide whether or not I'll continue writing my thoughts and if so where, GO TO MY LIVEJOURNAL. It's public so you don't need an account and because it was my journal before this one it'll be the best half-way house for the time being. So, while what I said before is still right (about writing a post on all portals about where I'll be once I decide), I'm now adding that until those alerts go out, I'll be on livejournal.

And I promise I'll make the font there bigger after Xanga goes down. Sorry, I chose that layout back when I still had 20/20 vision so I was one of those people that apparently had no concern over straining people's eyes. Looking at it now I, myself, know that I can't put up with font that small for too long either.

Nine days left to safe Xanga... and it's still $17,145 short...

I dreamt of him again. It's been happening a lot the last few nights -- which makes me struggle to stay awake because it's too painful to dream and wish and then wake to find the reality. Jaunae had lent me Animal Crossing and all of a sudden my character pays off a 200K loan in two days. 

The dreaming had gone down from what it was before though. Just recently it's been picking up again... Sometimes they're memories... Sometimes they're what I wish were memories... And others are what might have been...

Yancy is leaving this week. This Thursday night/Friday morning. I get along a lot better with him when we aren't living together, which is a shame because we used to be so close... I miss that...
To help with the move, Asaf has flown down so they can make the drive up together. A long drive like that is a lot safer with two drivers than with one. He actually arrived earlier today but I didn't get to welcome him since I was giving Tiny a bath, and they left to hang out at Tom's before I was done. So it wasn't until after my own shower that I was able to say hello, by which time Ma had already been playing catch up with him in the living room. I come out of my room for the pleasantries and after our hellos Ma calls out, "So where's Handel? [one of Asaf's brothers] Is he dating anyone right now?" Asaf says no. "Where is he? Tell him I have a beautiful daughter over here--" She laughs and I give a smile before quickly making an exit, never being more eager to blowdry my hair in my life.

I thought to myself, That was oddly specific. The Adrian's are five guys. I get the set-up gag but why Handel specifically? I mean, the last time I saw all five Adrians I was seven or so. I don't even know what any of them look like right now except for obviously Asaf. Later, after she carried on the skit for the ENTIRE duration of my hairdrying (and I took my sweet time, too, waiting for them to change the subject), I found out it was because Dedu [one of the five] had recently been set up by his dad and it miraculously resulted in what seemed to be a perfect couple. "Madly in love" Ma used. She told me all this before apologizing and saying she was just teasing.

I'm used to the jokes. They piss me off, but I've come to expect them. It just really sucked having to hear Ma go on and on when I knew in my heart...

When the subject was finally changed, it had somehow gone on to babies. At one point I overheard Ma say that she doesn't think she'll get any grandchildren from me.

That actually made me really sad... I know I've never had confidence that I'd be a good mother, and that because of that doubt I've gone back and forth on what path I should take...

But...

I would actually really like being a mom someday...

And just hearing that... Maybe because a mother said it...

It just felt so... final... and my heart and stomach both ached...

Then I go out and...

He was sitting right across from me but he may as well had been in another state. I still miss him so much... There are some days where I honestly can't do this... But I have to... I need to...

And at BAM... 

That was such a big day.... Me stupidly trying to get closure from a relationship that should have been over years before and Justin storming out for a drive because he couldn't bear to see me with someone else...

It was the day he bought me Little N... not knowing if he'd ever get the chance to give it to me, but purchasing it anyway...

I walked the aisles today and all I could think about was how much he felt then and how little he feels now...

I saw a hat shaped like a space helmet, the same kind they had years before when we were still dating... He had tried it on and let me take a picture... He never hesitated to do anything silly if it meant it'd make me laugh...

And the rain...

It's been raining a lot lately and with it come the floods of memories...

Dancing on a wet road...

Rushing to the car or a store/restaurant and his wet locks dripping onto his face...

But mostly I think of the day it all began...

He was working at Disney, and I was home. It rained here but only threatened there... We weren't dating yet, but we talked for hours every night on AIM... That night he told me about a coworker who always flirted with him, and how she was at it again today when they noticed how dark the sky was getting. She said she hoped it didn't rain, and he told me that in that moment he thought "But Janira and I love the rain..."

I was jealous...

My stomach twisted at the idea of someone else flirting with him and I was so scared I was going to miss my chance...

He knew something was bothering me and eventually it came out. He was so happy to hear I was jealous...

Because until then he wasn't sure if I felt the same...

I guess we wrote too good a story for me to let go...

I don't want to go to sleep.

I can't bear it...

God, please...

Help me...

For those who may have noticed that Xanga is still here, it's not because it's out of the woods yet. The deadline was only extended to the 30th. There is just a breath over two weeks left and they still need 20K more dollars.

For those who can, please give. For those who can't give, be sure to archive/save what you want before the 30th; because if this site goes down, NOTHING will be retrievable.

You can find information on how to do both here: Xanga Crowdhoster

Just 17 days left to save Xanga... and they're only half-way to their goal... I really don't want to lose this place...