I kind of made an unconscious decision to leave this place, but something Kathy said (that even after all this time she still checks it every once in a while to be sure) has me wondering if I should start writing here again...

Maybe with the possible changes coming...

For those who don't know, I'm seriously considering moving back to my hometown up north in New York... I thought it best to take one last visit up there (to make sure it wasn't just the glory of snow and vacation time whisking me away) in the Summer to be sure.

But to be honest, I'm already 97% sure.

I'm going to miss the few friends who actually stuck by me, but my soul needs a change. This place is crippling me.

So, that being said... If/When I move... this may be the best outlet for my friends to know the miscellaneous details of my life...

I just can't take it here anymore.

I really need to learn to stop looking forward to holidays. It would save me the trouble of expecting anything different than what it always is...

It seems Xanga has enabled customization of their layouts. I got my header style back (gave the place a new title, too) and was able to fix the font size that somehow shrunk in the shuffle. The theme still doesn't look like it used to, but much closer now.

Things got worse for Tiny... The fact that she got diabetes so severely and so suddenly caused her to have an accelerated case of cataracs.... She's already having trouble seeing, as it has gotten wide already, and we were told there was nothing we could do... That she'd be completely blind...

I keep praying that God will spare her another strife and give her back her eyesight, but I find myself adding to every praying for him to only do it if it won't cost her anything else. If it has to be her sight or something worse, then leave her sight as is. I'm scared asking for her sight might bring about something even worse and so I keep emphasizing to not grant it to her if it comes at a cost for something worse....

Because we can try to keep her happy and I've been reading online about training her on voice commands so that she could go on walks safely, but if anything worse happens I don't know if we'll be able to help her through it...

It was a huge reality check about her age and mortality, though... One that I'd been childishly ignorant of until now... I had just always believed she'd be with me... I'd move out and she'd be there alongside... That I wouldn't see her pass in my lifetime...

Oh, some of you may have raised eyebrows about that, seeing as how a human's lifespan is longer than a dog's. I said that and believed that because ever since I was a kid I just never saw myself living for that long. When I was in middle school I genuinely believed I would never see High School because surely the Rapture would happen by then or I'd be hit by a car or something. (Ironically, I was half-right about the car. I was in middle school when my family got the brunt of a head-on collision that involved three other cars [not including the drunk driver]).

Then in High School I didn't think I'd make it all the way through college because I'd be attacked or killed somehow.

And now I can't even see myself making it to my late thirties because I have another suspicion of getting hit by a car.

So because I've always believed I'd die young, I always believed Tiny would be there and I would never see her go...

Now I have to face the reality that I may very well see her pass... God... I don't know how on Earth I'll get through that... She's been my only solid ground for years... My one constant...

I can't even think about that now...

As for myself, don't ask why I keep thinking I'm going to die. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I don't know why or how I started thinking that I'd never make it to old age, or even why I still don't believe it...

But it's still this fear of mine. I still feel like I'm going to die... I can't explain why...

I just pray that that instinct isn't as accurate as the ones I've had in relationships. Because every time I've had a bad feeling in my stomach during a relationship, within weeks there was either bad news (such as infidelity) or I was dumped. Every time.

The only bit of good news we've had all year is that I finally got a job. At a library no less. I've always wanted to work in a library, and I gotta say, even the "tedious" or "boring" tasks that aren't anyone's favorite on the staff, I still love. I love being in that building and being surrounded by books all day. The only thing I've disliked so far is working the Children's Department. Because, being a place dedicated for kids, all the shelves are kid-friendly....as in SUPER low to the ground. So when I have to re-shelf books, I'm stuck between having to kneel or crouch every other minute or waddling around on my knees (and STILL having to bend my spine). It gets to be very painful, especially when a crowd moves through and you're left with 20+ books to put away because parents don't do crap about their children's craziness.

But other than that, I love everything about the job, and I'm just happy to be there. I'd been job searching library jobs for years and NOTHING. So I was so grateful that I was given a chance for this one (especially since I have no formal library experience).

I'm getting better too. Still have a bad day every once in a while, but I'm getting stronger about it (thus the new title). I think I've finally entered the "I'm just frikkin' tired of this crap" phase. That, and I have more important things to worry about. Like not screwing up at work, and training Tiny to use her ears and nose to get around. And to desperately try to keep her depression at bay.

Compared to that, guys that don't give reasons for why they hurt you doesn't seem as important.

I will say I miss our friendship though. He was one of my best and closest friends, and still is in my heart, but I haven't seen him in months and most of the time I don't even get replies to my text messages (and I've been avoiding texting unless I legitimately had something to say/share/ask, or three+ days had passed without a friendly hello).

And that hurts. He once said he still wanted to be a part of my life and hoped I'd be a part of his (as friends) but all of this makes me wonder if he no longer feels that way. I mean I figured we wouldn't be hanging out watching old movies anymore once he started dating, and I respect that since I'd be uncomfortable with my boyfriend hanging out alone with some other chick let alone an ex (still hate that word), so that part I knew was going to go, but not even speaking (barely)? Really?

You'd think he would have found something worth holding on to, especially since we confided so much in each other, but actions speak louder than words...

For anyone who's curious, my work schedule for the entire month of November is Tuesday-Saturday. So I have every Sunday and Monday off, and I actually get out of work at 6 PM on most days. Please hit me up if your respective schedules allow for any hang outs, because I miss everyone. I get to play with Jerrick once in a while on FFXIV, so that softens the sting of not having actually seen them in so long (plus they always answer their texts, just saying). But I'd still love to see them too.

And I know money is tight all around. If I understand the pay schedule right, I actually won't be paid until the 15th, so even though I'm working full-time hours, I'm not seeing a dime of that for a while still.

(On the plus side, I've got Vision insurance now :) ).

Well, I think I'll stop here. I still have to make/eat breakfast and I gotta figure out what Tiny is comfortable doing to start her training.

Later, all.

We were all hanging out at the beach, the group of us, and were back into our jeans and shirts to eat indoors at the bar/lounge place the hotel had. Me, Jaunae, Derrick, Justin, Kathy (she was up getting a drink at the moment), and even Dafne (she was making her way inside after participating in a contest outside -- In hindsight, the fact that she was there and speaking/laughing with me should have been a clue).

We had a round booth. Jaunae, Kathy (back with a drink), and I were at one side and Derrick and Justin were at the other. I was looking out the window watching Dafne a couple floors below me make her way back inside; the two of us making faces at each other and laughing. Jaunae and Derrick were across from each other taking up the aisle ends of the booth, so there was no one between Justin and I, just empty booth space.

I throw my body away from the window, laughing, having been grossed out by a dirty face Dafne made. Justin and everyone is laughing with me, but his laugh is what draws me in. I scoot/half-crawl (I was really laughing) down the booth seat towards him and he lifts his arm as I do.

I get there and he wraps his arm around me immediately, naturally, as if it was the most casual thing in the world. I don't think a second thing of it, and we're both still laughing. His arm gives me a squeeze and he kisses my shoulder the way you'd peck a kiss on the cheek. Smiling so wide he says, "I love you," and turns back to the rest, laughing at the new jokes.

I'm beaming and my heart is racing and skipping, and my face hurts from smiling.

And I blink and suddenly remember.

And my heart panics.

The smile drops from my face and my eyes blink rapidly and I look at his face. He's still there. Still laughing. Still smiling. His arm is still holding me close.

My heart is pounding. Real? Is this real? I keep blinking but everyone is still there. I still feel the leather of the booth, the few grains of sand on my jeans and seat from hundreds of beach-goers going in and out of the bar. I still feel the warmth of his body beside me and hear his laugh ringing as Kathy (and I could still hear Kathy and them) told another joke.

Real... This is... This is really...

And I look to him, no longer blinking, and I watch his mouth move and see his eyes dart from one person to the next as he follows the conversation. I had to ask. My heart was fluttering... 'Do you?' I had to ask...

My mouth forms the first word--

And I wake.

I hadn't blinked, but like the flick of a light switch, everyone was gone. The booth was gone. He was gone.

I'm alone in my room. My things littered around me, and an asleep Tiny breathing quietly.

I was alone.

And I knew.

And I remember her.

I sit up and look about me, and my eyes fall to my hands. The smallest trace of the sensation of sand finally disappears...

It wasn't real.

Of course it wasn't real.

I curl up into a ball, bury my face into my pillow

and sob.

I should've known.

Being honest with myself sucks, but it's something I've been trying to do more often. I lied to myself so many times, especially after we moved down here, that I fooled myself into believing so many things... I may not be able to lie to others (or at least people I love) very well, but I'm a master at doing it to myself. Otherwise I would have realized how miserable I was for over half of my life.

I've fallen back into that misery, but now that I'm admitting to myself it's there it's a little better than living in the denial.

There are other things I'm being honest to myself about. I wish I wouldn't, I wish I could just lie because it'd be much less painful, but I'm tired of lying -- at least to myself. If I have to keep masks for everyone else I need someone to know the truth, and it might as well be me.

I keep thinking back to that women's retreat I took with our old church. The experience I had was incredible, but I somehow managed to lose my way again anyway. Most likely because of the lying. I want to go back to a church, but I truly dislike the process of finding one. Large churches make me feel too detached, but smaller churches are hard to walk into because you're instantly spotted as the visitor and EVERYONE tries to welcome you and shake hands and the preacher makes you wave or stand during the announcements for a massive welcome and it's just-- I don't want that attention. It comes from a kind and loving place, I know, but having so much attention at once feels a little fake to me (even though I know that's not the intention) and makes me feel like they're all just trying to impress me (which I know isn't true). It makes it harder to decide whether the service is my style or not because I suddenly feel on display or like I'm watching an act. I want to just go in unnoticed, enjoy the service unfiltered, and see for myself if it makes me feel like it's my place. El Faro used to feel that way for me... It hurt to lose that.

I visited a couple churches of family members or friends-of-family, but I haven't felt connected or right in any of them. I don't like visiting churches of people I know because I feel like I may offend them when I don't choose it...

I remember being so happy when I visited churches with Justin because we were both the visitors in each so there was no risk of offending each other, but they were all so large that I didn't feel connected to any of them -- despite the lovely services.

I didn't just lose a boyfriend when things ended...

I've all but lost my faith...

I feel utterly alone.

Sometimes I can't even pray...

So I sit in the quiet and peel off the lies one by one.

And whenever I've had enough of truth...

I lose myself in meaningless video games.

I'm still trying to write. I didn't manage to make anything for this month's Writer's Group, but hopefully I will for next month. I should explain, last month I found out that the library downtown has a Writer's Group that meets once a month and they workshop each other's work, and that it was open to everyone. I found out to late to make it last month, couldn't write anything for this month, but am desperately trying to get something done for next.

Yancy found God again...

I'm still drowning.

Yesterday was a great day. It was one of those days where I finally felt the way I should, and was thinking the way I should, and was making plans as I should...

Today was an okay day. Gave into the loneliness a smidge, didn't have as many of the thoughts as I should be having but at least there were some. I didn't make plans but at least I didn't feel defeated.

I enjoy the good days. They make me feel stronger.

I'm terrified of tomorrow though. My nerves are just... *exhales* I just need to trust I can do this...

Please... Please, let me do this. It would change so much... I just know it...

I'll talk to you guys again soon. After. We'll see.

When you download your archives they say they can also be imported into any WordPress-powered website (which would obviously include WordPress itself) so if any of you are thinking of moving elsewhere but hate the fact that you're losing your old posts (I mean you can download them but the sensation of losing having them all in one place) you can apparently take them with you depending on the website. I'm not entirely certain how it works but you can sign into your Xanga account (they're keeping them open so people can access their archives) they'll give you the link at the top of the screen. You just won't be able to post anything new or stuff like that because those things require an active subscription.

I don't have anything specific to say today... Did another massive hunt yesterday for a job, ended up applying to one place that was definitely hiring, one that never answered whether they were hiring but took my resume, and 12 other places that were just "accepting applications."

I finally paid off my credit card, it's completely empty now. I still have to pay off my bank rewards card but that should go by quicker thanks to it being the sole focus. I might cancel it afterward though. The "rewards" aren't worth it at all. Takes much too long to actually get anything back and apparently there was this limit they never told me about that I can't transfer the rewards I've earned until they've reached $25 (which takes for frikkin EVER). Derrick made the good point that I should make sure it's not bad for my credit to cancel a card. I'll definitely check on that. I'm proud of my awesome credit score and I don't want to ruin it.

I'm saving up for a PS3. At least I think I am. I actually really want one and it'll allow for more game variety than I get with Nintendo systems (although I'll have to get WiiU eventually for the Zelda games), not to mention the fact that FFXIV comes out soon (or is it already out?) and Jerrick has already made the arrangements to get it. If I can, too, then I'll be able to play with them the way I used to play WoW with Charles -- which is REALLY fun, and even on days where I'm playing solo I LOVE RP games like that so I never get tired of it. I miss WoW. I want to go back to that too, but when I saw how gorgeous FF was I decided to get that one first since it'll open up the door to countless other games if ever/whenever I have to temporarily stop my subscription. I hope I go through with it. I keep talking myself out of it since I'm all too aware that, saving over time or not, it's not the wisest thing for me to buy a new system now when I'm jobless. One side of me just wants something good to look forward to again and justifies it by saying I've had a hellish two years and I deserve SOMETHING to be happy about, a treat; and that Jerrick had offered to pay for some of it as a gift so it may not be the whole total; and that just as WoW inspired my writing and I created journal entries for Faellynn, it could do the same and inspire writings for Meika (the name I've chosen for her)... But my other side knows better. Now's not the time for games. I'm 24. Jobless. Living at home. No car (yes, a game system is cheaper than a car, but still). No... no book... no stories... No...

It's not the time for games...

Mom's going to Buffalo in November with Mama Bibi. It'll be her (Mama Bibi's) 75th birthday (it still surprises me she's anything less than 87) and all of Mom's siblings will be there to throw a surprise party. They even chipped in to pay for Ma's and Mama Bibi's flights. Mom says I could go with them (if I pay my flight).
I'm not going to go.
It's been... getting harder lately. The stress and pressure of getting a job but not landing any is wearing my walls thin and it's getting harder to hide behind the smiling face. I've been dreaming a lot more often, almost every night and sometimes more than one at a time... The themes are all very similar to each other...
I'm not going. It'd be November, so there should be snow, and as much as I've been aching to see snow again, I can't handle what that sight would cost. Not like this. Not without the walls.

If I go I'd have to pay my own fare, so no PS3. I'd have to stay indoors the whole time or freeze outdoors since I have no winter clothing nor money to buy any. I'd have to see my entire family on my mom's side -- don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to see them, it's that I don't want what will come WITH them. The questions. The teasing. The winks. The jabs. The jokes. The suggestions. The advice. The warnings...

"So, Jany, what's new with you? What are you doing now?"
"So, Jany, you have a man down there? Huh? Any boys? *wink wink*"
"Oh, that's okay! You'll find the perfect one! With those curves-- look at that butt! Haha! But be careful in the front!"
"Looks like your brother might tie the knot! Isn't that great? So when's your turn? You close yet?"
"Don't wait too long, haha, you won't be young forever."
"You know, I have a friend who has a friend who's single..."
"Wow, you look just like your mom! Just mind the weight, okay? You know how we get."
"What did you study in again? ... Oh... So... What do you do with that?... Okay... That's nice... Are you working now?... Uh huh..."
"Did you hear!? Your cousin [insert name] got married/is pregnant/is engaged!! Isn't it wonderful!? When's your turn?"
"So your mom tells me you don't have a job. So what are you going to do? Where have you checked?" [That is too damn long of a story and frankly I feel it's no one else's business]
"You have a boyfriend? Aww, don't worry, mija, you're smart and pretty someone will come. You just need to out yourself out there and talk to people. Make friends. You'll see..." [Said by someone whom I haven't spoken to in years let alone seen and in a tone of voice you'd use to console a six-year-old when they drop their ice cream.]

It's obviously not all at once or even in the same day, but Ma's gonna be up there for quite a few days and with the amount of relatives I have even if I only see one person a day, it guarantees I will hear most/some/at-least-one of these A DAY. And I can't keep listening to it. Can't keep answering them day after day. Not without my mask.

Plus, I'm already trying to block out a week in December because Jerrick wants to steal me away on another break from this world and that'll only happen if 1) I somehow still don't have a job or 2) I have one but they agree to approve me having that week off (otherwise I choose the job, no way I'm risking getting fired). And since it'll be hard enough to get a week off in December at a new job, I can't be asking for another week off in November, too.

A small side of me also didn't want to have to deal with facing the fact that I'd be traveling for no one. No one to be eagerly waiting to hear I landed safely, no one to eagerly await my return... I mean I know Jerrick will say they miss me but I only see them once every two weeks if I'm lucky so it's not like it really affects them if I'm out of city. For couples it's different, or at least it's always felt different for me. You actually feel them being further away from you and your heart misses them...

None of that for me. Just words on a screen just like any other friend or relative.

Small favor: My unemployment ended and during that same final week of benefits I received a letter saying they've agreed to extend my benefits for a little longer, which is the sole reason why I was able to pay off my credit card. If I can clear the rewards card before the new end date I'll be overjoyed because then I'll be clear of debt and free to use the cards if I have to.

I'm having a bad day. A bad week, month, year. It's just getting harder. I was so grateful when Jerrick kidnapped me Wednesday to witness the "birth" of their new computer (they built it themselves). I just really needed the company. I spent most of the night at their new desk reading the Character Creation Guide for Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) and playing Animal Crossing (ACNL) while Derrick alternated from doing his homework to helping Jaunae with the build; and still it was the best night I've had in a long time simply because I wasn't alone and Jaunae made me laugh...

I didn't get far into the introduction/creation guide for D&D because of ACNL (it's been a LONG time since I've played so I had to get it out of my system) but it was fun starting the process of creating a fantasy character (or just a character) though. They really want me to play and I've always wanted to try it. I'll have to hit the books harder whenever I see them next. Shouldn't be too hard since Jaunae lent me ACNL so it should be out of my system by then.

Yancy and I are starting a story together (by "starting" I mean pre- pre- pre- pre- pre- pre-production/-writing) and for the first time in ages I was able to write five consecutive pages of story and it felt amazing. I was so proud of it, too, especially since Yancy had given me so little to go on (it's a REALLY early stage). But I haven't been able to write more since and his less-than-specific (to put it kindly) feedback is frustrating. I miss my workshop classes, specifically with Prof. Kesler. My writing never grew more than when I was in his class. And the vast majority (if not all) of my classmates had taken just as many workshop classes as me by then (or at least one) so they all gave great feedback. And during the workshops themselves SO MUCH got out and it was just... It was wonderful and helpful.

I mean, I was thrilled to hear Yancy loved it so much and thought so highly of it, but I need more. I need to know WHAT he liked about it, what he thought was just OK, what he didn't like or would alter, what he thought of the voice and language, what he thought of the descriptions and details, the settings, the lore, the POV style, AND SO MANY OTHER THINGS...

But he managed to find a job and now Merlin's up there and he's trying to save up for his own place and he's still working on DUSK with the guys and... He's living. He's busy. He doesn't have time for specifics this early on. And who knows if he'll have time at all for this at all. It'll probably just die in pre-production, or whatever the hell stage this is called.

Liz had a baby boy last Friday. For those who may not know/remember, she's my cousin that had a miscarriage last year after carrying the baby full-term. Many don't know this but she had actually had a second miscarriage since then, but was only 3-4 weeks pregnant when it was lost. So, needless to say, they had their reasons for keeping this pregnancy a secret up to the very end. Only a handful of people (my family included) even knew she was expecting, let alone giving birth last week. The healthy baby boy is all her in the face, with the exception of having his father's eyes, and she's already back home with her new son. There was nothing she wanted more than to be a mother since before I can even remember (which means since before I was 8 years old) and to see her finally have a child after so much unimaginable pain... I'm so incredibly happy for her.

Tiny just kicked me. She's lying in bed beside me and I guess the tapping of the keys is annoying her. Or maybe she was just stretching. Oh yeah, that's another reason I'm staying. She needs me here to make sure she's taken care of. Dad helps but he has enough on his plate so I don't want to risk her shots slipping his mind or being missed because of oversleep or traffic or exhaustion. When Ma's home she guarantees him remembering because nagging is what she does, but when she's in Buffalo she'll be VERY preoccupied gossiping with her sisters to make sure to call at the same time every day so that Tiny's safe.

It's more the loneliness than anything else, I realize, that's keeping me. My family isn't very close in the sense of cousins keeping in touch so while I'd be surrounded by relatives they'll all be practically strangers to me.

Strangers who are forced to make awkward chit-chat about all the life subjects I'm failing at right now.

Tried to curl my hair, but it's holding up to its legendary stubborness and refusing to curl. It just falls flat. Oh well. There's no knowing if curls will work with my face anyway.

I've been considering a haircut. I mean, I need one, my layers are all screwed up and I've got split-ends up the wazoo, but I was considering changing the style slightly -- specifically, the bangs. I was wondering if I could pull off bangs (as in ACTUAL bangs that end at the eyebrows), with the locks on the sides being a little longer to make a sort of frame (I'm not describing this right, but similar to Meekakitty's current bangs is what I'm talking about). I don't know. I remember hating my bangs as a kid (straight across). Maybe I shouldn't walk that road again.

I'm so far behind on my reading quota. I had calculated that I needed 30 pages a day to finish this book by the end of the month but playing host and early morning tasks/hunts have shot my sleeping patterns and so my reading schedule (before bed when the house was asleep and I could read uninterrupted/without loud-as-all-hell Puerto Ricans shouting at each other or blaring TVs) got thrown off and so I'm now 90 pages behind. Today's thirty (to complete the 90) was my own fault though for getting into ACNL because the house itself was empty almost the entire day. So today's quota is my fault. In fact instead of typing in here I should have tried to read, but, well, here I am. Unloading nonsense for no one (for all I know) to read.

I figured out how to enable anonymous comments I think. I found a setting that required names and emails and disabled that so maybe now all kinds of comments can be submitted. I'm learning the way around slowly but not-yet-surely. There's still things that confuse me but I always forget what my questions are by the time I find the appropriate forum to submit them in. I miss knowing when a post was read. Because without at least one person reading this is the same as me talking to myself in my head and that doesn't unload it for me. I need to know I was heard in order for me to let go and feel it fall off my shoulders...

But more than that I miss everyone else's pages... It was the only way I got to know things about everyone that they won't personally/too busy to relay. Now I'm completely in the dark.

So to everyone I know in person: If you're reading this, and you decide to leave Xanga and create other free blogs (LJ, WordPress, BlogSpot, what-have-you) and I was allowed to read your blog here, please let me know where you move...

I should really get to bed. My eyes are burning but it's probably from looking at screens all day. Even so, maybe I'll try reading for a little bit, even if only for 20 minutes or something. I won't reach my day's quota, but maybe I can finish this chapter. It is a Thymara chapter, so it should be an interesting one...

I have to wake up early and sweep and mop the house. Crap.

I wonder if I'll dream again tonight. I'm scared because, depending on the theme, I don't know whether to wish for it or not.

Goodnight.

What are your thoughts on Xanga? Are you sticking around to read, are you thinking of an account, or are you confident you're done?

This home page is so odd and jumbled, and a lot of the control is gone... I miss my old settings and features. Particularly the one that let me know if a post was even seen. It helped me feel heard. Now I'm in the dark.

So I'm just wondering if I'm in the dark alone or if I just haven't found anyone yet.

Tweet me messages or leave comments on my LJ or BlogSpot about your answers, if you can't leave comments here. (I don't know what the new rules are on anonymous commenting).

Twitter: literarybug
Blogspot: simply-zerah.blogspot.com
LJ: jany-sword23.livejournal.com

God this home/dashboard layout is hideous. Ugh, I can't even change my profile image for the posts anymore...

It's one thing after another for my family.

None of us can catch a break, myself included.

I can tell Dad's hair is thinning out on top... He might start going bald soon... It hurts because I know he's been working so hard...

I'm so stressed. It's been over two years, can things just frikkin get better, please?