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| And the ScreaMs groW loudeR~/So I'm about ready to explode. I am just not understanding what is going on in my head lately-- OK that's a lie I know.
As per usual I'm in another downward spiral that I've been trying to desperately not fall into; But, of course, nothing's working.
I literally want to claw my way out of my own skin. I'm back down to 2 seconds in my How-Long-Can-I-Look-In-The-Mirror-Without-Being-Utterly-Disgusted-And-Turn-Away score. I just can't stand too many things about myself.
Originally I wasn't going to update until I finished my current Xanga project, but I needed to type SOMETHING before I completely lost it and The Project is still going to take too long to wait. It's an entry that's going to cover the better part of four years of my life and I'm still working on the first. For those who haven't heard, or haven't figured it out, it's a post that will hopefully help me say goodbye to Charles and all thoughts of him and finally make me move on.
But so far it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Reliving everything... everything... all over again...
I still love him so much... but I don't want him to be able to hurt me anymore. I haven't spoken to him in a month or so, and yet I still see him in my dreams,
I still think about him far too much,
I still have old texts of his saved on my phone [which actually infuriates me that I don't have the strength to delete them yet],
And my heart still breaks because of him...
I don't want him to be able to do this to me anymore...
He doesn't want me and so I don't want to care so damn much anymore...
I don't want to end up like Jaunae and have my mind and heart manipulated over and over by him years down the road.
He got his ticket out and I want mine.
I don't want this hurt anymore.
So even though it's breaking me, crushing me, angering me, and ripping me apart to write everything I ever went through with him -- good and bad and horrible and wonderful -- I need to write it. I need to get it all out and then never look back again.
I need Xanga to help me as it always has...
I need Xanga to help me let him go... for good.
But, damnit, my thoughts and emotions going out of control and overwhelming me is not what I need right now. It's only making so many things worse.
I don't want to feel this way, I wish I never did, but I can't remember the last time I was perfectly happy with myself -- my entire self, just as I am....
Actually... I don't think I ever was after we moved.... I do remember... I remember third grade... I remember my school... my classmates... my assignments... my tricks for multiplying by nine... my best friends... Nakisha... my cousins... my school uniform that all the girls hated...
I was happy then...
But not since then.
I used to be the girl the entire school loved to be friends with.
I used to be the girl who spoke to the new-kids first and ended the alienation between them and the classmates.
I used to be the girl everyone came to to have fun or for help.
I used to be the girl everyone wanted around.
I used to be the girl who was so confident in herself that she never had a negative thought cross her mind unless it was worry over someone else.
I used to be the girl who played outside with her stuffed animals and rolled down grassy hills.
I used to be the girl who would imagine cupping the hand of God and running down the sidewalk to show him my next new trick or game.
I used to be the girl who danced in a sea of bubbles with her friends.
I used to be the girl who wasn't afraid of anything.
I used to be the girl who loved herself and imagined incredible futures with incredible people...
But I'm not that girl anymore.
I don't even think she's inside me anymore.
I'm now the young woman who is constantly haunted with self doubt and insecurities.
I'm the young woman who now can't approach strangers and speak unless I'm in a store uniform.
I'm the young woman who now can't even face herself in the mirror without turning away in disgust.
I'm the young woman who can't comprehend why anyone would waste their time with her.
I'm the young woman who can't imagine a future, much less a future with someone along side her.
I'm the young woman who has to fight tears from falling even when she's among friends.
I'm the young woman who has self-mutilating thoughts about herself on a frequent basis.
I'm the young woman who had to stop herself from scratching at her own face until blood was drawn.
I'm the young woman who doesn't feel deserving of the life she has always wanted and will never have.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
As if my own thoughts and emotions weren't overwhelming enough, I had another trigger.
Perfectly innocent words set off a chain of memories that FREAKED. ME. OUT.
I couldn't stop thinking of so many things at once and ended up with a migraine that left me wanting to dig my nails into my skull.
I wish my nails weren't cut and trimmed recently. I want to slash at my stomach.
Urgh. I need to stop. I need to stop. I need to stop.
God I'm still thinking about Him. I don't want to. I don't want to.
I'm afraid to close my eyes and (try) to sleep...
His voice still haunts me...
His scent still lingers...
His arms still taunt me with the embraces I will never have again...
I can't sleep.
Because He's still there.
He's always there.
But I don't want Him to be anymore...
Because I know he doesn't want to be here.
God help me.
I'm so tired.
I'm so angry.
I'm so stressed.
I'm so disgusting.
Why can't I be better?
Why can't I change?
Why can't I be someone I could stand?
Why can't I just...
be different?
I hate who I am.
But who else could I possibly be?
This is me.
And who would want someone like me?
Like this?
No one.
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| For the RecoRd.My last post came out pretty dang long =P In fact Kathy even made a point to scold me about it xD
I don't think this one will be that long but I'm sure I'll still have some long ones later on =P What can I say? I like to type.
So the past two nights have been very interesting. The night before last I was caught by surprise when VERONICA signed onto AIM. (Seriously, when was the last time YOU caught her online?) We got to talking and she explained she's been keeping up with all of us through our Xanga posts (ah Xanga, keeping friends close through the years *tear tear*) and she wanted to tell me that she was proud of me. I kinda did a double take with that since, pfft, what have I done lately other than sit on my bum and waste my brain cells away through the TV?
Turns out she was talking about me and Him. She was proud of me for breaking up and getting out before things got too damaging. She went on to say that whenever she sees him around campus (they both go to Valencia) she purposely goes out of her way to ignore him. Am I the only one who got a guilty pleasure out of that?
"i see him in school now and go out of my way to ignore him because i can't stand the way he speaks...like i didn't even know you. it annoys the hell out of me. it's like wtf dude you do realize she was one of my best friends right!?"
I wasn't following so I asked her to elaborate.
"it's like nothing ever happened. and i can't stand that. it's like.... seriously? i don't think he realized how badly he hurt you. and if he did he's just an ass for how he went about it."
>< Douche. (And then I surprised myself since that's the first time I've insulted him. Even if it was only in thought.)
She went on saying that He's just a prick and me -- being me -- had to defend him by saying he wasn't always like that. Which is true, he used to be very sweet to me. That's what blows the most, the fact that he changed and not for the better.
Then she asked the big question:
"can i ask you something? if you had the chance or the opportunity arose
would you take him back? and try AGAIN?
Before I knew it I was already typing. It surprised me how sure I was of an answer that I didn't even have to think about it.
I said, "-_- I would WANT to, but no. there's nothing more i can do for him or give him, so it's clear that he doesn't want me or isn't willing to work at anything."
"see that's why i'm proud of you! yea you're broken hearted which is totally understandable but uv really grown since the last time"
I'm sure I've written it in here somewhere at some point but Veronica's opinion means a lot to me (she's one cool chixor) so the conversation actually made me feel better in the long run ^_^ Hahha especially when Veronica said this:
"his loss! he lost a manga character"
xDDDD I had forgotten she used to call me that!! ^___^ Woot woot!
So, yea, overall I felt a little stronger that night ^_^ I may still have a ways to go as far as letting him go but she made me see that I HAVE made progress =) Thanks Great V!!
Then last night I went to the movies with Jaunae and Derrick and had a great time only to have my annoying thoughts overwhelm me again when I was SUPPOSED to go to sleep. I sent a tweet out from my phone and Marco, who was apparently awake, caught it and texted me his concern. From there he sent a series of texts that did manage to cheer me up although they left me curious as to why the phrase goes "A guy would give his left nut to [fill in the blank]" -- I mean, why always the left? What's so special about the left?
ANYWAY. I just wanted to thank you guys for all your support and kind words. OH and thank you so much Nancy for complementing me -^^- That was really sweet of you. [[She looked at the photos I have on here that I forgot I had and called me beautiful]] And don't worry my hair gets crazy-frizzy too so you're not alone xD <3 It was just randomly shiny that day =P
So I guess this isn't a real post, just a Tribute/Thanks entry really ^^;; But, hey, look on the bright side: At least it's short! =D
And for any/all of you who just made a "Like you!!" type of crack at that -- SHUSH!! xDD
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| Like Sands Through an Hour Glass...Alrighty-roo. So I didn't hold up on my promise to try again the next day but "Better late than never" right?
On Saturday me and the folks went a grocery-shoppin' at Walmart. Most people call it Wally-World and, I kid you not, to this day it STILL takes me a minute to realize what place they're talking about. Anyway, so we went and got our stuff but one reason why it took so bloody long was because we were not only getting groceries and refills on Smoothie Ingredients (Dafne taught me how to make smoothies and so I've been feeding my addiction), but were also getting some other supplies for ME.
Thus the tweet:
"At Walmart picking up supplies. *gasp!* Jany in the kitchen!? What is she thinking!? And what will she MAKE?"
^_^ Dafne knows but otherwise it's a secret ;D
After groceries we went to BK for linner (lunch/dinner) which was weird because I haven't eaten at a BK since Fall Semester =P As a result I didn't finish my whole sandwich. That sucker's huge! O_O
What I DID finish was our little 3 piece serving of their new ribs. Those things are delicious!! I mean they're obviously no contest for Longhorn (NO ONE can beat their ribs man *drools*) but for a fast food joint those things are awesome! They're soft too!! =D MUCH better than Disney's crappy-tough little mess.
After linner we picked up Daf-Daf and she hung out with us at home. I taught her how to play Phase 10 and she actually understood me! xD I'm usually so terrible at explaining things that it made me excited she got it. After playing three games of that -- one practice, one full game, one short game (evens) -- we took her home. By that point it was midnight and Dad got the glorious idea that I drive us back home from her place. Now I had wanted to drive at night because I figured it would help me get used to the roads what with the less traffic and all. Unfortunately I forgot it was a SATURDAY NIGHT and so everyone and their mothers were out on the road >< Fortunately I didn't hit anyone although I did get my first car-honk. At the turn with the Walgreens I had forgotten that while, yes, it was a one-lane road, there was actually a TURNING lane at the start of it. So my turn into it was a little wide which annoyed the person behind me. I didn't go INTO the turning lane, I just crossed over the line a little, but that was still annoying and so they honked at me.
*sigh* My first car-honk. Luckily I was already scared out of my mind so I didn't really react to it (as in no jumping or jerking or anything).
But yes, got me and dad home in one piece, and didn't hit anyone. I'd be more proud of that if it weren't for ALLLL the things Dad was talking me through while driving. It made me realize just how little I know thanks to Mom being a crummy teacher. >< I'm MUCH farther behind than where I should be. [[for example: the Blindspot? Didn't know about it ><]]
Sunday was pretty hectic. I "woke up" late -- as in I tossed and turned all night but got short brief sleep sessions once in a while and so I didn't get OUT of bed until I was sure I was out of "sessions". Got myself some breaky as the folks got back home from church. I wished Dad a Happy Father's Day and gave the customary hug and kiss. We caught the second half of Liar Liar on TV and after it was over me and him went to Publix to see if they had this one item I needed but Walmart was out of. They did ^_^ We got home (he drove because it was way busy and I know nothing apparently) only to see that Mom had started cooking the food already. In fact she was so far along all I could do was skin and mash the potatoes for her and wash the rice -_- So much for me cooking dinner for dad.
After dinner we played a few rounds of UNO until Yancy made it over. Then we watched Frost/Nixon ^_^ That movie is ALL dialogue but it's so great!! It's like a boxing match with words!! I enjoyed every second of it AND felt smart for understanding all their sophisticated lingo -- albeit sometimes through context clues.
I couldn't resist thinking that it's the kind of movie Charles would never be able to appreciate -- not because he wouldn't understand it, mind you, because I have no doubt he could; he just would never give it a chance is all.
I really wish he would, I mean God a movie doesn't have to be all explosions/gore/violence/or car chases to be amazing. And it's not just a guy thing because the whole reason we saw this movie was because Yancy was raving about it.
But I digress.
After the movie we all partook in about 5 or so rounds of UNO ^_^ Win some, lose some. We played with more rules than when I play with the gang though so it wasn't as violent/competitive as it could have been. For example they set the rules that the Draw Four couldn't be used against a Draw Two, and a Draw Two fiasco couldn't go over 6 -- As in "draw two, draw four, draw six!!" type of thing.
But we made it semi-competitive anyway. Me and Yancy were at each other with the Draw Two's and Four's and Dad was at both at us with his Skips.
"This is a game. This is a war." xDDD Dad is so cooky.
After UNO Yancy headed on home and we all packed up the game and table. Saying our goodnights we all went to bed with full tummies and floating chuckles.
Last night I tossed and turned allll night long. I got an hour, maybe an hour and a half, of sleep total. I was just so nervous and, for some reason, was suffering from a sneezing fit. I think it might have been dust because when I finally got by butt out of bed and shut off the fan I was fine. Still didn't sleep, but stopped sneezing at least.
I "woke" up about a quarter to 9 and hopped into the shower to wash my hair. Mom dried my "bangs" for me (I still haven't gotten that down pat yet, the limited visibility is a big factor) and then I did a general dry for the rest of my hair. To be honest I wanted it a little wet so that my neck would stay cool in the heat ^^;;
I got to Kohl's half an hour early, as planned, and asked the guy behind the desk where I could wait until eleven. He showed me to the break-room and thanked me for arriving early. I nodded my thanks and shook his hand, Aaron is his name. I only remember it because he introduced himself but I later forgot what it was. I looked at all the time cards on the wall and guessed he was Michael but that was way off xP Luckily when he came back in (after the other 8 applicants arrived) I looked at his name tag, just in case I would have to address him at some point.
The other applicants were SO intimidating. Only one other person was around my age, a girl who looked fantastic >< Yea she looked like she lived, ate, and breathed fashion. Damn her xD
Then there were three guys that looked to be in their middle-to-late twenties. The other four applicants were over 30 and had all this experience and wore suits/pant-suits and stuff >< One even had a briefcase and another had a portfolio.
*sigh*
Talk about dressing for success. T_T
The interview itself was short, only 5-6 questions, but since we had to wait for all 9 of us to say our answers it took a full hour. I wasn't laughed at and there was one guy there (mid-twenties) who never had a job before, period. So I didn't feel as bad about only having one previous work experience.
When the group questions were done Aaron went out with our applications and reviewed them for a minute or two before calling us out one by one and covering last minute questions about our applications.
I was the second to be called out (pure chance because the applications were shuffled) and Aaron asked for me to clarify/confirm that I really was available "All Day" as I indicated on my application. At Kohl's that means I'd take any shift from 6am to 1am.
I agreed.
I've worked worse hours (till 2 or 3am) and I didn't want to risk anyone beating me out for the job because they had better availability.
He asked if I had any questions for him, and I had only one. Everyone else in the group session had voiced all the questions I could think of (and some I never thought of) so all I had left to ask is if it was against their dress code policy for employees to have dyed hair. He gave a chuckle and said "No", that as long as it wasn't lime green or neon blue that it'd be fine.
So if I choose to keep dying my "bangs" I'm all good.
Aaron said that if I'm picked I'd be notified by phone or mail. So *crosses fingers* here's hoping I'm memorable and they give me a chance. I have unemployment but that's only going to be $65 a week. I mean, sure, that's a lot for just sitting on my butt all day but I need more. I need more for food, tuition, and to save up for a car and/or place of my own. Plus I hate being cooped up all day. I miss having a place to go to every day or a couple times a week.
I miss working.
OK originally I was going to aim to not mention Him at all but, pfft, let's face it I was gonna.
It's been getting easier to avoid thinking of Charles, it's getting easier to find suitable distractions that do the trick. But it still happens. Once in a while my mind still wanders to him and more often than not, this happens just as I'm going to bed. The house is quiet, Tiny is off chasing cats in her dreams, and sleep just won't come. And so, with distractions dissipated, my mind and heart wander to Him.
He still sends the mixed signals I posted about (the entry before last) but one negative signal was the last straw.
Here *gets comfy* let me tell you.
During a rainstorm Charles had texted me saying he wished he could be spending the storm with me. Against my better judgement I replied back and so we kept "talking" through the whole storm.
Later, on his way to work, he sends me a text that goes like this:
"If you're awake after I get out, can you make it out of the house to see me without waking anyone?"
Me, being a ninny, agreed. But as it turned out even though I stayed up the entire night, I clocked out twenty minutes before he got out of work and only woke up as he was getting home (his home) -- forty minutes later.
I apologized -- because I do that too much >< -- and he said it was alright, that we could try again some other time.
Weeks go by before we start "talking" again (June 9th). I stay up that night just in case but no word from him. The NEXT night I went to bed early and, as luck would have it, I woke up the next morning to a text from him asking if I was awake (which I obviously wasn't).
To avoid that confusion I told him to tell me BEFORE-HAND because otherwise I won't stay up. And so we agreed on meeting that night (this was Thurs the 11th).
Having had a horrid night before and having to wake up SUPER early so that I could get my driving lesson before Mom had to go granny-sitting, I was exhausted and FRIED. But, I stayed up that night anyway because what else would a nitwit in love do?
So I'm staying awake, putting the TV on such a low volume I can barely hear it myself, watching the clock tick forward ever so slowly.
I kept my lights off except for the light next to my bed, which I turned toward the wall so it's not so much lighting the room as it is outlining it. But with all the lights off and the TV on my eyes are CRAZY throbbing in pain thanks to the environment making it dilate repeatedly.
It wasn't long before the eye-throbbing was accompanied with a migraine.
But I pushed through.
I shut off the TV and just sat in the dark waiting for time to go by, trying to ignore the pounding in my temples and the throbbing in my eye sockets.
After what seemed to be a week (literally doing nothing but sitting in the dark makes time move like a tortoise with a broken leg) 3:47 finally rolled around and I got a text from him. (He always gets out of work around that time)
Unfortunately his text said this:
"Hope you fell asleep dont think im in the mood to be there... Work was bad... And im covered in man stink"
OK, yes, man stink is pretty ripe but I was still pissed. I was exhausted, drained, fried, and battling the double whammy of a migraine and eye throbbing; but I still gave up MY night to meet him.
So I told him to drive safe, and goodnight.
"After work is a bad idea. Maybe we find a day."
>< Sonova-- it was HIS idea in the first place to meet after he got out of work. Oy.
I replied with "Maybe.. Goodnight." even though I knew the 'find a day' thing was never going to happen. When we broke up he didn't grant me one last visit (broke up on friday, I asked for him to still stop by Sunday) because "We need time to let go". *rolls eyes* The whole REASON I asked for that one last visit was so that we could say goodbye in PERSON and because I hoped it would give me more closure rather than breaking up through emails/AIM AGAIN.
But no.
So when I read that text I knew it was never going to happen but replied with my "maybe" just so I wouldn't sound bitter.
I haven't heard from him again after that. Damn him. I still love him completely but that really pissed me off. And while working at UPS is a drag, I understand, something still told me that if he really gave a damn he would have come over anyway (or at the very least not have phrased it the way he did).
So, whoopee for mixed signals.
I love him, he knows it, and so he tells me he loves me too.
But in the end,
I'm still the one crying in my sleep.
*sighs frustratingly*
So, yea, that pretty much sealed it. What bothers me now is that I'll never know what it was he wanted to say when I met him out there or what his reasons were behind wanting to see me in the first place.
But all in all he's showed me that he doesn't care nearly as much as he says he does, if at all.
I remember one night we had dinner at Kathy's -- we being me, Jaunae, Derrick, and obviously Marco -- and while everyone was chit-chatting she quietly addressed me about the subject: quietly because she knows me and knows how sensitive a subject it is.
"Do you want me to kick his ass for you?"
"*double take* Huh? Who?"
*gives a 'oh like you don't know' look*
"Oh... rrrmmm no... -_-"
"Are you sure because seriously why even say those things to you if he's not...?"
"I don't know... *gives a chuckle trying to cover up misty eyes* I don't know..."
God I love Kathy. She's friends with him sure but she's still loyal as all hell *smiles* And I know she truly cares....
It was an odd relief to hear I wasn't the only one pissed off at him, actually.
And then what feels to be a few weeks ago (I can't tell time anymore now that I'm not working) Justin said had Charles screwed up more he'd go after him too xD
*virtual super hug* I love you guys ^___^
Fortunately I haven't left any salty streaks on my pillow for a few days now. Mostly because I've been staying up till like 1 or 2 talking with Justin online and so whenever I DO hit the hay it's always with a joke or a final laugh. Keeps me from reminiscing and, thus, crying.
I still get nightmares here and there when I manage to fall asleep for longer than a half-hour window but since I've been having trouble STAYING asleep I'm usually woken out of it for more tossing and turning.
Small favor I guess.
Wow. Well this turned out to be longer than I expected =P I guess I'm slooowwly getting back into my old rant-a-licious mood. xD Bad news for you guys then, since now you all (those of you who are curious/who care) will have to find time to read all this crap xP
Catch you next time.
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| Alright so it's been over a week since my last "post" (more like a thought rather than a post) so it's about time I update. This entry will take forever to type out, however, because I have to keep stopping to take breaks for chores. *sigh* Could have gone to Disney today too had I remembered and gotten all this stuff done earlier in the week.
There's a lot I've been wanting to vent out in here, and for the longest time I've been unloading it on OneNote since I haven't had time or sanity to get it all out here. I was going to move it all over whenever I got the chance but now I'm not sure if I should. Meh. I probably will anyway but not all at once. None of them put me in the best light. Then again not much in this Xanga does anyway xD
Currently my breaks are consisting of me going to my room and clearing out my closet of things that no longer fit/I no longer wear/I no longer like. It's taking forever >< And the room is growing and growing.... Yea I really need clothes. Hopefully my interview at Kohl's will go well and I can get some new clothes =)
Oh yea, I HAVE AN INTERVIEW MONDAY!! WISH ME LUCK ALL OF THOSE WHO CARE!! I really need this job.
So I've been addicted to Twitter. Yeah, I have. Today I just passed my 300th tweet for the second time. How can this be done? Delete enough tweets and you get to reach 300 all over again xD but yea I'm "literarybug" on Twitter AND on WordPress for those who are interested. I'm considering moving from BlogSpot to WordPress. So, so far any new reviews on BlogSpot can also be found on WordPress. I haven't made the official choice to move over yet so we'll see what happens.
For those who were a part of it, GEEKFEST is no more T_T As of today, it has been shut down/deleted. The hope is to get it going later on in the future when more people are into it. So a moment of silence, please.
...
...
Thanks.
So I'm changing the hair soon. I have one idea thanks to Nikki but I'm still working on it. In the end it's going to rely heavily on the stylist since I have to ask her professional opinion as to which style will match my face better. We can't all be like Corky and pull off EVERYTHING =P
This entry has been mainly about nothing so far... and now that my chores are done I don't really feel like discussing anything... Oy. Hmm....
Oh! OK, I got something: Last sunday I was able to make a return to water. Kathy held a pool party at her complex ^_^ I love the water. What sucks is that before Dafne came to sleep over the day before, I was in my room staring at my bathing suit thinking of not going just because I didn't want to wear it. I kept having flashbacks of the last time I wore it (which was also the first time) when we all went to the beach in March (two days before He and I broke up). After about ten minutes of sulking I gave myself a mental kick in the bum because if I'm not going to wear something anymore just because it reminds me of a time I spent with Him then I'm going to end up walking out of the house naked. PLUS the damn swimdress cost me $60, and since I had already wasted $65 on resizing the ring I'm never going to wear there is no point in letting BOTH expenses go to waste.
So I went.
Took a while for me to get into the water because I was incredibly aware of how much skin I was showing so it took forever for me to take off the shirt and pants I was wearing over the swimdress ^^;; But I got in eventually. I was still self conscious for a while but it soon went away since the water was keeping me covered. The feeling only came back when I would get out of the water for something (like retrieving the ball we were playing "vollyball" with) but, again, once I was submerged it died away.
^___^ I just love the feeling of water...
Another thing I've been thinking of is skating. I used to roller blade all the time in middle school, I should pick it up again. I mean I never did any tricks or anything, but it's still fun ^_^ Also I've been wanting to ice skate for the longest time. I've never tried it before. Sounds uber fun ;D
Justin's taking a special interest in wanting to teach me how to drive. Must be because I live so much farther away from everyone and it'd be easier to hang if I drove xP Unfortunately he has no idea how crazy and protective my folks are. Cha.
I hate how little time Dad has. I never learn ANYTHING when Mom takes me out driving. She keeps changing the rules and doesn't tell me when I'm doing something right or not, and when I don't do something right she can never seem to describe how I could correct it. -_- I was supposed to have my license by now. Damnit.
*sigh* I haven't really said anything in this post but I think I'm going to end it anyway. I'll try unloading my head again tomorrow.
Night, all. | | |
| If you really love me...
and still can't stop thinking of me...
Then why are we apart?
| | |
|
|
True
