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| I got my grades today! I PASSED ALL CLASSES!!! :DD
Theories & Techniques of Literature Study: B+
Grammar and Composition: A
Practical Criticism: A
Creative Writing for English Majors: A
World Literature 1: A-
I PASSED ALL MY CLASSES!!!
My GPA is now 3.65 so I keep my Dean's List position, which means multi-term registry-- which means I can get into my English classes before the masses fill them up! :DDD
Oh thank you God!! I was so terrified!!
I PASSED!! I PASSED!!
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| Why can't the feeling I have around him, and around my friends, stay with me?
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| Beautiful...
Cute...
Gorgeous...
I wish I could believe him... when he says things like that...
He once told me to stop insinuating that he would lie to me...
It broke my heart to hear him that upset...
I don't intend it to insinuate that he lies... I just... I can't.. I don't...
So many people... It didn't end in Elementary... Nor Middle School... Not even High School...
I still get confirmation that I am what I see...and not what Justin or my friends see...
"So, what, other people's comments are worth more than your friends'?"
No.. it's just that my friends, especially my boyfriend, aren't exactly unbiased sources...
Strangers are.
I get odd, nasty looks from people at school--if not completely ignored in favor of some babe sitting nearby.
I get disapproving looks--sometimes accompanied by negative "whispered" remarks--in public.
And if I'm really lucky, I'll get these from adults that are supposed to establish a relationship with me--like my doctors. -_-
I had to go in for my regular check-up today for my thyroid. Mind you this is my second thyroid-doc because I got tired of the fat jokes I kept getting from my last one.
Lucky for me, my current doc--who is PREGNANT at the moment--is starting to show signs of taking on that habit.
"Janira you gained ## pounds! *gives 'God how often did you stuff your face?' look* Be careful."
-_- Really?
Really?
Two doctors?
Do they really need to say this kind of crap to me? Do they think I don't notice how big I've gotten on my own? Do they not realize they should shut their trap and just be the respectful doctor they're SUPPOSED to be?
So how can I not see that I'm fat?
That I've gotten into this disgusting shape?
That the shape only emphasizes what was already there?
So how can I believe those words? Those sweet, sweet words?
When all I see...
is ugly.
I think I'll go cry myself to sleep now.
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| Hello again, dearest Xanga. My cybernetic home for my innermost thoughts. It's been a while since we talked. Truly talked. School was the biggest factor that kept us apart. So much work, stress, exams... I couldn't get that many chances to talk to you and the few times I did only so much could come to the surface... I never had enough time.
But now I need another talk with you, dearest Xanga. And I know you'll listen. You always do.
You always do.
~ ~ ~ ~
I've been feeling very restless...and lonely...lately... I kept walking around campus... watching everyone pair off or create groups around me...
and I stood, alone.
I must make terrible impressions on people. Or maybe I send out some kind of vibe. Or maybe it's just appearance...
But no matter what I try... I can't make friends.
Justin confessed to me that he won't be joining me at UCF next semester (late application). My first reaction was depression at the idea of yet another silent, lonely semester.
Then I closed my eyes and fought the urge to smack myself.
Could I be any more selfish?
~ ~ ~ ~
I've been worried about how I act around him lately... Alternating between holding back and not.
I'm a very clingy person.
And that's a dangerous thing.
I've only ever dated one guy before Justin... I'm still a newbie when it comes to relationships. I still don't know how to shop for guys, still lack confidence in my actions, and still worry almost constantly of doing something wrong.
What I'm most nervous about is how I act...
Everyone knows how emotional I am... Justin once said my emotions are wired into me...
It's true..
So whatever I feel... I feel overwhelmingly...
So when I love someone... I want to be as close to them as possible...
Thus I basically attach myself to his hip when we're together...
When I dated "Him" Dad and Mom had rules that when in their presence, we could only hold hands. After a long while they got comfortable enough to let him put his arm around my shoulder and for us to hug often...
But then one day Dad took me aside and told me something that really bothered me...
He told me I should be so attached to "Him" all the time... so clingy... because it "doesn't look right" and would eventually be too much...
That I should tone it down...
I had a talk with "Him" explaining that I was quickly realizing how clingy I was--always attached to his arm or hugging or resting my head on his shoulder; staying close and connected in some way (holding hands, arms around waist, hugging, etc) in public...
Throughout middle school and high school I had a lot of male friends, many of which would come to me to vent or ask advice. A lot of them vented about their relationships, trying to get a female perspective on what they should do.
I remember a lot of them hated clinginess.
I told "Him" that I would back off if he didn't like how attached I get.
He said he loved that I was clingy and welcomed it.
In the end [during our second go] my clinginess ended up biting me in the ass. The looks he gave me and the cold way he acted when I tried to show affection in public felt like a twist of the knife.
It didn't help that he had also stopped giving (or even feeling) affection in return.
Apparently my clinginess was one of the things I did that made him feel "trapped."
Would've been nice if he effing TOLD me or TALKED to me.
But I've already made that rant plenty of times on here. Moving on.
Anyway.. the way I feel for Justin is stronger...much stronger....
So my clingy side is getting hard to hold back...
There are times when I do... and times, like yesterday, that I can't...
Yesterday Justin was supposed to come over around 4:30 or so, but then his dad said he wanted Justin to stay home and put up the christmas tree as a family...
His visit was the light at the end of my tunnel after a hellish week of stress at school...
Not to mention I hadn't seen him in two weeks so I was missing him something awful.
Hearing that he couldn't come was like losing my hold on a ship's life line and sinking into the depths of the ocean.
[To any new readers, now you see what I mean.]
Luckily his dad took forever at the gym so Justin left him a message and left to see me.
He came around 7:15 or so.
My heart floated me back to the surface and I was brought aboard the ship again.
I spent the entire night [as in his visit] wrapped around his arm, snuggled into his side, or resting against his chest [sitting].
My folks, surprisingly, haven't said or facially expressed any objection to this--which I'm thankful for--but I'm still worried.
I can't help but remember how this used to be OK to "Him" at first only to have it be "too much" later on.
So I alternate between fighting it and showing it.
I wish I knew how this was supposed to be. I just don't want to screw up again...
because what I have now is so much better....
~ ~ ~ ~
My Christmas Break is one quiz short of officially beginning.
A few entries back I wrote out that my goal is to get some reading done this break.
I still intend to do that... but even more than that, I want to lose weight.
I've gotten way too heavy... and it shows...
It's disgusting.
I don't mean this to mean heavy-set people are ugly.
I'm saying that I'M ugly and being heavy is NOT helping.
I look down and see these rolls and I just want to cry.
I hate the way I look.
But since I can't change how I look, only what I weigh, I need to stop being such a fattie and shut my mouth against all the crap I eat.
I need to lose weight.
I look disgusting.
I'm disgusting.
I need to lose the weight.
~ ~ ~ ~
Perfect.
Just found out I got a 76 on my Theories Research Paper.
My grade (without quizzes and participation because God forbid she tells us what we get on those) was already a 92...
The paper brought me down to 89...
If I didn't pass that final...
I could fail the class....
The final was really difficult...
I don't think I...
God I'm such an idiot.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
~ ~ ~ ~
Normal girls would feel hott or beautiful when walking around campus with their hair blowing in the wind.
More so if they have long locks...
Me?
I feel hideous.
I am-- *closes eyes*...
~ ~ ~ ~
Yancy asked me for a Christmas list. Heh, actually he said "Send me a list of what you want for Christmas so I can ignore it and get you something cheaper" xD I love him. He always makes me laugh...
I gave him a list... But it was all things I had to come up with on the spot.
I don't know what I want for Christmas.
I know I need clothes, socks, and shoes... but as far as what I WANT... I don't know...
I don't really deserve any...
I've always convinced myself to only get myself things if I earned them somehow...
I haven't earned anything lately...
I have no idea if I'm going to pass my classes this semester...
And I'm terrified that I won't...
Especially for Theories and Practical Criticism....
~ ~ ~ ~
Usually sitting in a silent room drives me insane.
I need some kind of noise to concentrate.
But last night, sitting on the couch with Justin, resting my head on his shoulder as he continued his research for his History paper...
His heartbeat was all I needed...
~ ~ ~ ~
Dearest Xanga, there is more to say...
But they will just have to wait until another time...
Goodnight.
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| I've gotten addicted to Brigitte Dale's videos again. In one of them she was discussing dreams and tips on how you can request a dream from your brain to avoid nightmares.
-- For those interested, here's the link to the video. Brigitte Dale #378 Jerk Cupcakes --
In the video she mentions that a common nightmare people have is where they show up somewhere (usually school) and find themselves naked. Although this wasn't new information for me, it did make me realize something.
I've never HAD a nightmare of the naked variety. Not one.
The closest I ever got was a dream where I was going to hang out with my friends and realized I forgot to put on a bra that day; which really isn't realistic since it's the first article of clothing I put on after a shower after my underwear. But I wouldn't really call it a nightmare because, as I remember it, no one noticed I wasn't wearing one; I was sitting still and got up a small amount of times so there wasn't enough movement to... ahem... "draw attention".. or anything.
Anyway, so I realized I never had a naked nightmare. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, I'm very grateful. I just found it odd that while it is a common nightmare to have, I never did.
*shrugs* Just thought that was interesting.
Well my Turkey-Day weekend is coming to an end. Man, I cannot put into words how much I needed this weekend. I can't remember the last time I was able to play Mario Kart Double Dash like this... I had a full marathon all weekend.
I had a six-page research paper due Wednesday night. Professor Anglet wanted us to have nothing to work on/worry about during the holiday. I was able to get it done by three thirty and so I was able to give Justin uninterrupted company when he came to visit me at four.
That sounded weird but it's not a perverted code I swear. xP
I had a Grammar quiz due last night before midnight, but evidently there was some technical glitch (or Prof. Owee-Owens had a total brain fart) because the quiz was never posted :P I emailed her twice but she's not checking her email this weekend apparently.
Monday night I have my final Wordplay episode due for the same class but, meh, I'll leave it till then to do. I'm enjoying this break too much.
Basically what I'm saying is that all weekend I've had NOTHING to do/worry about that I couldn't put off. So I finally got a full-on break for the first time in the entire semester!! And it has been FAN-TASTIC. ^______^
On a downer note. I got strep. Yea. The Tuesday belonging to the week prior to Turkey-Week I went to my Creative Writing class and was the first one there. I took my seat two down from the instructor, as per usual, and waited.
-- NOTE: all chairs are arranged in a circle for class workshop --
After everyone came and took their seats, one late-bird came into class and took the last available seat between me and the Professor. I would soon realize that this was my DOOM.
She proceeded to sneeze and cough -- A LOT -- into her hands and crelbow. Somewhere during the germfest some of her mouth ickies must have made it into my system.
I got sick.
But strangely enough, although she seemed to have some kind of cold, I instead get strep.
Oh Goodie.
That Saturday my tonsils got so swollen that it almost closed up my throat completely. I could barely swallow -- and only with A LOT of pain -- and I could no longer speak, literally.
And so my condition was finally deemed serious enough for my folks to take me to the Emergency room like I had been asking all that day. Doc said it was a simple strep infection.
It's been seven days now since I've started the antibiotics and I'm almost completely healed. My tonsils are almost at their normal size and signs of bacteria are dwindling down to almost nothing.
Suh-weet.
At dinner today I refused to give my left overs to mom because my mouth germs would be all over the food. She argued that if I was contagious she would have gotten it already and I explained that it was not so. It's through my saliva that I'd pass this on and I read online that I am contagious for up to two weeks after completely healed.
To which Dad immediately says, "Sucks for Justin. He's out of luck for a month then."
To say my face turned a shade of red would be an understatement.
Moving on.
World of Warcraft is celebrating their fifth year online and as a gift for playing (or playing in the past) I was given 7 Days Game Time for FREE. :) The days started yesterday but I didn't log on till the wee hours of this morning (Like one or two AM). I didn't do much, just wander around using my mount, Ita, as transportation; danced with Mayne (pet bat); looked at Faellynn's armor and facts (she is so bloody awesome!! :D level 50 btw); and checked my mail to find that along with the free game time WoW has given everyone another two gifts: A type of dragon infant (forgot the WoW name for it) and a baby penguin!! :D
The dragon wasn't named (I'll name him later) but the game named the penguin for me: Mr. Chilly. xD Cute.
Haven't played today at all because I was too busy with another round of Mario Kart Madness, but I might log on tonight.
It's a weird feeling, I'm dying to play but at the same time I don't want to do much on it because I don't want to get hooked again when I have such a short subscription. And with the way things are going I'm not going to be able to reactivate my account in a LONG while.
Still, it's so great to see Faellynn and Mayne again ^_____^
Thanksgiving went well for me :) The turkey was mighty tasty and my strep was healed enough that I was able to eat and swallow normally so nothing hindered my holiday experience.
Yay! :)
Tomorrow it seems the gameplan of Mallrating has been chosen :D It's been a long while since we've done this so it'll be fun. The only downer is that Justin might not be able to join because he's been feeling under the weather. His fever broke last night but his body still feels strange and his throat has begun to feel weird. Although we worry it might be strep I'll clear up some facts now:
We did not kiss at all when he visited me last Wednesday so I did not stupidly pass this on to him (In other words if it is strep I BIZARRELY passed this on to him, not stupidly). If it turns out to be strep it's by some freakish bizarre way because none of my mouth germs reached his. I was VERY careful with utensils (none touched) and drinks (none shared) and food (none shared again). So if it's strep I don't understand how I passed it on but it wasn't through kissing so don't go around thinking we were mackin' out :P
--NOTE: I didn't typo there. I meant to spell it that way. --
Still, I hope it's just a simple cold :( I already feel so awful for potentially passing this on; It's an incredibly inconvenient and painful condition and it takes so long to get rid of -_- I already cost him a work day today.
T_T I'm sorry... Feel better soon, honey <3
It just blows that finally getting a visit from him after not being able to see him for 8-9 days ended up with him catching something -_- Man.
I think I may have successfully convinced my folks to put up the Christmas tree up this year :) We haven't done it before because this house is so small but I kept telling them that if we simply took out the coffee tables from the living room we can scootch the couches down and make room for the tree in the corner.
It seems that this year Mom is finally willing to give it a go :D
I can deal with no-gift holidays, but there is something about having a Christmas tree, watching the flashing lights, and putting up the decorations that makes me feel so happy, so joyful.
I've always loved Christmas trees, I remember feeling so down all those years we had to go without one because we couldn't afford to buy one.
But it wasn't as bad as last Christmas when we had moved to our current home. We HAD a tree but the folks said we weren't putting it up because of the little space.
It was heartbreaking.
A very gloomy holiday.
I don't think we even put lights on the house.
-_-
But not this year ^_^
This year, we're having the tree set up if I have to do it myself damnit!
^_____^ I can't wait.
Winter has finally begun. God I LOVE the cold. The only thing I wish I could change was the no-snow reality of Florida.
I miss the snow something fierce.
But the chill is lovely too. I love the colder weather, always have.
The warm comforters,
The PJs,
The hot chocolate,
The condensation on the windows,
That urge to cuddle up to someone to stay warm ^______^
I love this season.
I've actually been in the Christmas mood for a while. Yup, I'm one of "those" this year. I was in the Christmas spirit like two days after Halloween. It was bizarre because usually I hate it when people get hyped up for a holiday that's two holidays away, but this year I couldn't help it. It snuck up on me :P
During the Christmas break, among major hang-outtage time with my friends and boyfriend, I am going to try to read a butt-load of books.
I say try because my reading speed has gone way down from what it used to be due to rusty-ness of reading-for-pleasure events.
But I'm going to try.
And as I read them I will also try to review them on the BlogSpot.
You remember my BlogSpot don't you? That poor lonely site that I can only get to once every few months?
The link is still on the side bar under my profile picture so have at it if you forgot the address.
So, yes, back on topic, I'm going to read a lot. I have SOO many books that I've wanted to read but had no time. In fact I haven't even finished "PLEDGED" and I started reading that thing last year!
I'll have to start it over I remember squat-diddly of it.
So I have:
PLEDGED
In The Woods
The Tenth Circle
What My Girlfriend Doesn't Know
**What My Mother Doesn't Know
(this is actually going to be a re-read because the one listed previous to it is the sequel)
Ghostgirl: Homecoming
**Mouse Guard: Fall 1152
(this is actually a comic)
Chibi Vampire vol. 13 & 14
And plenty more that I can't remember.
So, yes. A LOT of reading.
I really don't think I'll get through them all, obviously, but I do want to make a mega-dent in the list before the frenzy of Spring semester.
But that's a story for another day.
It's six minutes to midnight, and my scroll bar has shrunk down to a size smaller than my pinky nail so I think I'll stop things here.
Until next time, Xanga readers.
Aurevoir!!
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