Went to the DMV today to take a driving test. We called last week asking if we needed an appointment. They said it was ideal, but that their first available one wasn't until the 21st. (I repeat the date in a tone that says, 'That far away?') "But we do take walk-ins." (I repeat it back to her) "Yes, you may have to wait for an unknown period of time but yes you can walk in."

So since I have today off and worked the past two mornings, we chose today for the walk in.

They open at 8.

I walked in at 8:10. (And that's only because I forgot to account for one school bus)

I got to the desk at 8:30 (only one receptionist so it took forever)...

only for them to tell me that it has to be by appointments and that they only take the FIRST TEN walk-ins.

And I was #11.

No, there is nothing they will can do. I have to try again another day.

**Next available appointment (that doesn't conflict with work hours) is FRIDAY THE 25th.**

I am so %^&*KING LIVID that they didn't %^&king TELL me that on the phone. The guy three people ahead of me was #10, so I JUST missed it. IF YOU ONLY TAKE THE FIRST TEN WALK-INS AND I EXPLAIN THE 21ST WAS TOO FAR AWAY, WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?! DON'T SAY YOU TAKE WALK-INS (which implies all day) IF YOU DONT!! GOD!! DO YOUR ^&&*KING JOB AND TELL ME ABOUT EXCEPTIONS/RULES!!

Mom leaves tonight for Buffalo so I REALLY needed to get this done today. I clock in tomorrow at noon so I have to wake up early AGAIN (like I did today even though it was my day OFF) and HOPE TO GOD I make the cut and that they are done with me in time so I'm not late to work and fired. (It wouldn't surprise me if they somehow took four hours to be done with me).

God I'm just so AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH DAMMIT.

Work the past few days has been okay. The managers (minus the mean one) have been nicer to me, too. Thank God. The only thing that's keeping my mood foul now is the fact that since I have three strikes, the next one means I'm fired. Well, it COULD mean I'm fired or it could mean that I get fired on the "fifth" strike -- it's their choice. But since they wrote me up for calling in sick, I don't expect them to give me that last chance. I've gotten to a point where I'm done stressing about the job itself. It's not worth it. If they fire me, to hell with them. Their way of running LP and scheduling is a joke and if they're not going to give me a fair chance (i.e. Telling me when I screw up, WHEN I screw up, and not two weeks later) then I don't need to be in their company.

So the anger is gone, but my mood still feels unsettled every time I'm on my way there, because I have no idea if it'll be my last shift or not. It's a truly sucky feeling. 

At least two of my shifts this week are short (I can say that because I have 40 hrs coming next week). They're "clothing" shifts so it'll be nice not having to spend 8 hrs folding, just half that. Ugh, which remind me: I was on clothing duty again yesterday and while I was fixing up one of the Men's Shirts tables I heard a guest -- MEMBER! Dammit I keep forgetting Universal is "guests" and BJ's is "members"... it just feels like a set up to a dirty joke so I don't like using it --

ANYWAY, I heard a guest (screw it) call out a "hello." I lift my head (still folding) and see a dude well into his mid/late twenties (at LEAST) smiling at me. Now, many other guests have greeted me in the same way so I smile and say hello back and wait for him to state his question. 

He doesn't. Instead, he smiles wider (dude was missing QUITE a few teeth and had hillbilly gaps between the ones he DID have) and says, "You have a beautiful smile."

I smile again (albeit nervously) and thank him politely. When is he going to ask me his question?

Guest: "So what's your name?"

Uh, I'm wearing a nametag, genius. "Janira."

Guest: [repeats it] "That's a beautiful name. I'm *didn't care to remember it*" [extends his hand towards me to shake]

(shake hands/'nice to meet you's')

This is weird. No one's taken this long to ask me where something is. I mean geez. I go back to folding, still waiting for him to ask me for whatever product he was looking for. 

Guest: [still smiling] "You're going to make a man very happy someday if you haven't already."

An alarm goes off in my head, CREEEPY! CREEEPY!, but I smile and make out a small 'Thank you' since I'm still at work so I gotta make nice. I made it a point to keep my head down and continue folding. I'm very busy. 

After a few moments of silence, I look up to see if he's gone-- NOPE. Still there. Still smiling RIGHT AT ME. I fake a fumble and pretend I didn't know he meant to continue the conversation. "No, I'm single." In my head, I meant it in the taxes definition, but as soon as I said it I realized I just gave up the opportunity for the "I have a boyfriend" lie. >< Sonnova...

Guest: "You haven't? ... So where are you from?"

Ai yo! I kept my head down and concentrated on folding. This guy wasn't going to ask me the kind of questions I'm being paid to answer and I was already feeling very uncomfortable. *sigh* I gave him my answer, P.R., and he said he was from I-don't-care-which town and I told him I don't know much because I wasn't raised there (didn't say more). Meanwhile I hadn't looked at him again, just kept folding (sometimes re-folding) away (including moving further away from him), trying to give him the hint that I was busy and that if he didn't need an employee's help, he'd best be moving on. 

There were a few more moments of silence, and just when I thought he'd gone, I heard him clear his throat and ask if he could have my number. I politely turned him down and explained that I don't give out my number.

Guest: "Oh... Well, would you maybe like my number? I could give it to you and you could call me or text..."

Part of me was like, Oh bless his soul he's only trying, but the other half of me is like, Dude, you HAD to use the word "single" instead of "not married" URGH. And what is with this guy? He ain't far from thirty AT LEAST and everyone keeps telling me that I look like I'm 17. Does he even care if I'm legal!? 

I give him an "I'm sorry, but no" and while I'm trying to decide whether to go with 'not interested in dating anyone' or 'I'm a lesbian' his smile goes away and sets into an angry line. He mumbles an 'okay' or something equivalent and (FINALLY) pushes his cart away and leaves.

And I'm immediately praying that he doesn't come back when I'm gone and trash all the clothes tables.

Seriously. That would've sucked.

After he left I kept wondering what the HELL triggered the guy's interest. I mean the BJ's smok (vest? blazer?) is hardly flattering and judging by the direction of his cart when I first looked up he came from behind me. I mean it's not like he could have seen me smile or even my face from the back of my head. And I hadn't been doing anything before he walked up except fixing the mens jeans--

And then it hit me.

I was fixing the mens jeans... because there was a stack that was half wrecked... And the stack was the one that was further-most back on the table... Meaning in order to REACH it I had to LEAN OVER the table for quite some time.....

And that's when I grew angry.

Was this guy staring at my ass?!

The rest of the time before my lunch went by in an angry haze. Luckily Justin was free while I was on break so I was able to get my mind off it and, in the process, get happy again.

But dammit it's not like I can avoid the leaning. T_T The tables are wide and my arms are too short to reach all the way back, even when I clear out the stacks that are blocking it.

I can only pray I'm wrong. I mean, it's a big store, he could have come from any direction and just turned his cart around before speaking...

-_- Figures the first guy to hit on me since the breakup is a creepo. I remember back in Universal, a couple weeks before I put in my notice, one of the girls was gawking at one of the guests. I figured it would be healthy for me to at least try to look at other guys, so I tried to check him out (which, for me, involves a lot of studying of the face since I'm an eyes-and-mouth girl). Pfft. The guy couldn't hope to compare so I gave up and zoned back out into loading guests.

I'm not going to be attracted to anyone for a long time still, it seems. And by the way my heart is going...

Nevermind. It doesn't matter.

I'd rather focus on today. Wonderful today.

I saw The Avengers with the family yesterday and went so explosively-excited-geektastic over it that I texted Justin in all caps for like five texts straight. xD I told him (honestly) that I wanted to see it again. Right then. He teased me for being so excited and such, but before I knew it we were making plans to see it today...

:) We spent the afternoon together.

It felt so good to be with him and laugh and joke and watch the movie again (still BLOODY AWESOME btw)... And afterward we even had lunch and desserts together. :) 

It was such a wonderful day, and I had so much fun...

I'll be honest, I had to check myself a few times.. Like during the movie I got distracted a couple times by the desire to link arms or hold hands, and there was a moment in the car that caught my breath when he said my name...

Since the breakup we've been using each other's names less often so to hear him actually say it... made my heart flutter...

*shakes head*

Anyway. It was so fun to finally hang out with him again like that. And now I know we can do it, which means we could hang out again sometime.

I started drumming on my purse and felt something weird. I looked into the front pocket and found a stack of papers so I started cleaning them out. One of them turned out to be directions to the theatre he and I used to go to to watch plays. :) I'd love to catch another, and he actually seemed interested in going with me... 

:) Maybe we can see a play together this season or next. I gave the set list a quick look over earlier and I didn't recognize any of the upcoming plays, but doesn't mean they won't be good. I'll have to give a more detailed look over it later -- read the synopsis/descriptions/dates and all that -- to see if there's something we'd like to check out. Oh! I can't WAIT to see another play! Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and The Maids were so great (especially the former) and made for REALLY amazing nights...

It'd be nice if that could still be our thing as he moves on...

It surprised me though that, when buying our movie tickets, it seemed like he was about to pay for the both of us. I assumed I would be covering myself but had secretly planned on trying to cover the both of us as a thank you for the parking lessons, but I had to hurry to hand her my card first over his... If I'm right then it was really nice of him to offer. *smiles softly* We ended up taking turns paying for things. I got the tickets, so he argued that he'd get the refreshments. He got lunch, so I argued that I'd get the desserts.

:) It was really nice...

*shakes head* Oh, for lunch, he took me to (oh God I KNOW I'm gonna jack up the spelling and/or name for this) Tijuana's, which is a Mexican place not too far from the LOOP. It's "Two Taco Tuesday" and, I gotta say, those were pretty darn delicious. :) I was a little nervous about it at first because I haven't had tacos in years -- and the reason for that being that I'm not much of a fan -- but these were GREAT! :) I would've eaten both tacos in their entirety if I didn't want to leave room for Rita's (the Italian ice place we went to for dessert). 

*happy sigh* It was such a wonderful day, and I really needed one. :)

...But, man, I kinda want another taco.

Tomorrow's my last day off before going back to work. I finally have a Sunday off (Viviana "sacrificed" herself to give it to me, but made it clear that I'm never getting another one off -- DESPITE her words when I was first hired) but since it's Mother's Day, I still won't be able to see everyone. At least I'll still have the day off...

And at least I got to see him...

Oh! One last thing. Today I wore this sweater/shirt type of top that I haven't been able to wear yet (weather hadn't permitted me to). Today was supposed to be a really warm day, but since I was gonna be in a cold theater for most of it I figured I could pull it off. 

:) It's really soft and makes me feel cute. There's something about long sleeves that nearly cover my hands that I just love. ^___^ I'm so happy I finally got to wear it.

Okay. Well, I think that's all I had for now... :) Looks like I finally get to use my "happy" picture.

:) To wonderful Tuesdays...

I have to work today. I'm already filling up with anger about it because 1) I woke up two hours ago for no apparent reason and couldn't fall back asleep, so now I'm gonna be tired during my entire shift. And 2) I'm still royally ticked off that I got a write-up for calling in last week. (And yes, I WAS sick.) I mean it's not like I did it seven times or something, it was my FIRST time calling in and I only did it because I was PHYSICALLY UNABLE to work. AND I made sure to do it at least two hours before my shift (if I remember right, I actually called 2 1/2 hours before) so that they'd have a chance to find someone or work around it. I literally have no control over this stuff, WHY am I getting punished for it!?

But apparently that's how they do things, which means I've gotten a third strike. Right now I can't remember if it's on or after the fourth one that you get canned, and I'm too angry to look it up.

But basically, I can get fired any day now for any damn reason. It's hard enough to find jobs these days

having "fired" on my application sure isn't going to help.

(Dunno if it looks angry enough, but for now this pic of Mars will do.)

Had a bit of a freakout yesterday. I think what's really messing me up about this job is just the loss of Sundays. I know no job's perfect, each will have it's own flaws -- but I think what's getting me all worked up about this one is the fact I no longer have Sundays to regroup. Balance is key to mental health, and my source of balance was taken from me. Sure, I try to make plans during the week, but everyone works during the week. Sunday was the one day everyone was free almost every time. And since the ENTIRE day (not even just half of it) was taken from me to just work more, I haven't had a chance to work off steam with friends and reboot.

THAT'S what's screwing me up.

If I work Mon-Saturday it'll suck, but I would STILL prefer it over working ANY Sunday.

I NEED my reboot time. I'm cuckoo enough as it is.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow. And if I learn fast enough or at least improve enough, I'll get to see Jerrick too.

You have no idea how much I need this.

I can't remember the last time I was looking forward to/eager to get to Monday--

No, wait. I do remember.

And now I'm sad.

*looks at clock* God. Time to get ready for work. Urgh I wish I could just call out.

Just spent a huge portion of my night watching "Archer" episodes on Netflix. It succeeded in distracting me, but now that it's over and I'm getting ready for bed the thoughts are rushing back.

It's the 13th. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that night or the one that occurred a week prior -- where a simple hug sent my heart racing because of the meaning I knew it held.

I'm extremely disappointed in today's events. As scared as I was, I truly thought this whole driving thing was going to end today. That I'd finally have a license, have everyone off my back, and -- new bill that would make saving up even more impossible be damned -- things would be a little easier. But no, nothing. Eighty-eight dollars just so I'd hear what I already knew and then be told that I'm ready, but not ready. (Damn my parking to hell. I still have plenty of room to open my door without even touching an adjacent car AND the car is never crooked. Why can't that pass!?) It just... it really sucked to hear this isn't over and that I have to save up MORE cash just to take the test from, I imagine, a different instructor because those two hours with her were unpleasant and nerve-wracking.
I just... I really wish I had done better.

Shows make jokes about it all the time (it's incredibly prominent in "Archer"), and I laugh, but the subject/idea of cheating still makes my blood boil. I just can't *(&^ing stand infidelity. Sex addict my ass. 

I've been cursing more lately. Mostly in my head or in typing, but it still pisses me off. I don't like it. I really don't. I don't mind it when others do -- hell, it's often HILARIOUS when others do. But there's something about a curse word leaving my mouth that leaves this horrible feeling of sickness in my stomach. Maybe it's because I was raised in church, or my parent's upbringing, but I don't want to be someone that curses casually. It's one thing to say "hell" and "damn" -- two words that took me YEARS to be "okay" with saying -- but f-bombs, "ass," and "shht"? It's too much for me. I know, I'm a grown woman and there's nothing morally wrong with it -- I just can't. I don't like it and I don't want it. 
There's just something about this bitterness growing inside me that keeps coming out in curses. And I'm running out of ideas on how to ignore it/push it away.

I miss being happy. I truly do. I had my bad days, yes, but for the vast majority of the time I was happy even when in my room alone watching crap on TV.
Now I have to paste on the happy like a damn paper-maché mask even when sitting in the middle of the living room with the folks.
I'm just...
I just want to be happy.

I'm royally pissed that I can't talk to anyone at work. The only people there that can actively relate to what I'm going through (noob on the block) are the other trainees and the ONE time I had a shot at talking to one of them and possibly starting a friendship, I got scolded and moved to another register (and worse, the LAST one so that I was apart from ALL the cashiers). Jacob tried again to strike up conversation in the breakroom but I had already clocked out and was ready to get the hell out of there and go home and his break had just ended so he was due back on the floor. And yesterday I tried with Kimberly (because the evil manager that got all up on my case wasn't there that day) but she must have gotten scolded in the past, too, because she was subtly shooting down all my attempts at a conversation.
I can feel the register sucking out my life by the half hour but I need the money and it's not like I ever have any plans with people (this coming monday excluded).

I hate the fact I have to work the next two Sundays. (I say 2 because I don't know the schedule for the week after that yet. For all I know I have to work that one too). I hate it. I just know that even though I was home alone and miserable all those past Sundays because everyone had classes and work to do, the fact that from now on I'll probably have to work nearly every Sunday will mean that suddenly everyone's schedules will open up (not out of conspiracy, just bad timing) and I'll be missing out on the hangouts.
And those hangouts were the only things getting me through the weeks. Well those and the few times he would actually text me.

God I miss him. Damn these flooding memories...

I need new glasses and found a pair at BJ's that I like but I don't know what the hell works for me. I really don't want to spend so much money on a pair of glasses and then find out I don't like them/they look jacked up on my face.

ARRRGH CRAP I forgot to buy a new work bra from Walmart or Target which means I'll have to wear one of my nice ones to work tomorrow. (I can't wear my old one again because the broken underwire is now STABBING through the cloth and into my torso). Urgh! I really don't want to wear one of my nice ones when I have to hold a bunch of icky/stinky crap to my chest (because they're heavy) as I load the carts. Why can't people freaking LISTEN to me when I say to leave the heavy crap in the carts!? DAMNIT, LOOK AT ME. IT ISN'T FOR YOUR DAMN CONVENIENCE, BUT MINE! I'M HALF YOUR SIZE, DAMNIT!! IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE LIFTING THAT S*&T HOW DO YOU THINK I'LL MANAGE!? JESUS! AND IF IT'S TWICE THE SIZE OF THE BELT THEN CLEARLY IT'S NOT GOING TO FIT SO CLEARLY YOU SHOULDN'T PUT IT ON THERE!!

There's nothing on TV. Ever. For MONTHS now. Other than the once-a-week events of new episodes of current shows, there's NOTHING to watch. So even if I do have time to relax, there's nothing to relax to.

I keep thinking of the date that serves as my voicemail password. It was the first time we ever cuddled. I sat on his lap (nothing sexual) and we just snuggled close, chit-chatting. Emotionally I know I should really change the password but I already know the date so well (nearly two years with it will do that) and I don't know what other number to set it to that will come to mind easily enough to remember.

Also, I picked up my prescription so Walgreens needs to shut the hell up and stop calling me.

Another thing that's been jumping into my mind a lot is the "incident" I had down in USF. I have no idea why I keep thinking about it now, but it's worrying me. Is my body trying to warn me about something or is it because my vision gets blurry sometimes (because of my old glasses) and my mind is just associating it to that event? I don't know, but I wish it'd stop occurring to me. Seriously. That's one of the top five events I don't want to relive.

My back hurts. Dad and Mom have figured out the knot I keep getting is because of the repetitive movements I have to do throughout the day of lifting/dragging items and twisting my body to load the cart. It sucks because that means I'll probably get this/these knot(s) on a daily basis then. I hope I don't mess up my back or something.

Shoot. Work shoes. I still have to get those. -_-

He's probably home by now, I imagine. I hope his day went alright...

*sigh*

I should just shut up and go to bed. Just sleep away until the date changes.
Which evidently would only take another five minutes.

Urgh. I really disappointed myself today.

On the bright side, I haven't been able to Zumba in weeks thanks to the new job, but when I checked my weight today (fully clothed) I still weighed 160 (which is what I weighed that last time, fresh out of the shower). So either I lost a couple more, or I stayed the same.
Either way, I haven't gained. And that's a small win.