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Snoochie
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Name: Janira
Country: United States
State: Florida
Gender: Female


Interests: Friends, Reading, Writing, Mangas, Anime, TV, Music, Drawing, Video Games.
Expertise: Writing
Occupation: HS Alumni, College Undergrad
Industry: Retail


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Member Since: 3/25/2004
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Monday, November 09, 2009

If TheRe's a PriCe foR RotteN JudgeMent...

So have you ever been sickened by the mere thought of who you are or who you've been?

I have.

I am.

God... I don't know what triggered it.. Whether it was the courteous birthday wish or whether it was the overwhelming loneliness from today but

damnit.

I can't stop having flashbacks.

Flashbacks that make me sick.

Flashbacks that make me angry.

Flashbacks that make me ashamed of the secrets I'm keeping.

God...

These are the moments I wish I could claw at my face and body and rip off the skin.


Unfortunately I cut my nails saturday evening. They're not long enough to do anything now.


Why am I such....

AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I hate this.

I hate this.

I don't want the memories.

I don't want to remember.

It makes me sick.

It makes me angry.

It makes me disgusting.

God I really am an idiot.

A stupid, disgusting idiot.

What will I do if everyone should know?

What will I do if he should know?

God I don't want to lose him...

I can't...

He's too good....

Shit.

I want to hurl.

I wish my nails were longer.

Damnit.

Damnit damnit DAMNIT.


Sunday, November 08, 2009

Currently
Here We Go Again
By Demi Lovato
see related

SHort ThougHt on BirthdayS and DriNking.

So today's November 8th. I can't help but notice.

Last night I realized what today would be and already knew what I was going to do. It can't be helped. Not by me anyway.

I dated him for 9 months, broke up, then dated 13 months, and broke up again. We're over and done with and I've moved on from being upset about it because I have someone better. Someone incredible...

But despite that there are still some facts that won't change.

I was in love with "Him" for 3 years (even through the first breakup).

So he won't be erased from memory. He can't be.

I'll always care, just not as much as I used to.

For example, I know I'm no longer in love with him because I'm busy falling for someone else.

So we're done, yes. I'm not in love with Him, yes.

But a soft spot will still always exist.

I'll still always wish him happiness (despite how angry the flashbacks make me).

And so, because I felt for him for so long, I couldn't help but remember today is His birthday.

21 now, so I figured he'd go clubbing and drinking as he always wanted to do.

I was going to send him a short Happy Birthday message on MySpace today, but last night I got busy with uploading a CRAP load of photos onto MySpace---

**I've had tons of photos on my cell that I've been meaning to post online; but since they were so many I didn't want to send them to myself one by one like I normally would had it been a small amount. So I knew I had to do the memory chip thingy (shut off phone, remove chip, insert into computer, etc) and so I kept putting it off since whenever my phone is turned off, it loses all the textual memory [[my make-shift faces, my made-up words like "crappy" or "muah" (that's me blowing a kiss)] and that's a huge annoyance to me.
Anyway I finally got around to it last night and posted all the photos.
Lots of Tiny, Lots of sky photos, some "Random" photos, and a few in my main album**

---which kept me on MySpace until after midnight. I saw the time and remembered again.

I shrugged and sent him the message early.

"Was going to send this tomorrow but was online messing with crap and now it's past midnight so I'll say it now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I hope it's a fun one!"


After that I closed up and went to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention on talking to him on a regular basis or mending a friendship ((I just don't see that working and frankly it shows more promise of misery than happiness. I see how Josh still haunts Jaunae and I don't want that to happen to me. So I'm going to nip it in the bud and follow Yancy's example: "Exes are exes. You break up, and you're done. No more."))

I just felt that it was only courteous to send the Birthday Wish after everything we went through...

I mean I'm not made of stone. ><

Anyway, so a few minutes ago I logged online -- since my plans of seeing my friends were shot to hell thanks to feminine symptoms -- and found an email notification of a new MySpace message.
I figured it would be just a "Thank you" message.

It was... technically.

It was a single line thanking me for the birthday wish but that he was drunk at the moment so he would talk to me later when he was sober.

The typing made it obvious that what he said was true.

*rolls eyes*

I just don't get the attraction in the idea of getting drunk. I just don't. It sounds stupid to me.
I mean, OK, I'll admit that I'll probably try a drink at my own 21st birthday ((an Appletini in honor of Scrubs xD)) but I have no intention of getting drunk. Ever.
I don't want to be drunk,
I don't want to wake up with a hangover and puking,
I don't want any of it.

It just sounds so stupid to me.

What's the attraction?

Someone clue me in please because I just don't get it.

Anyway so He must have had a "blast" last night drinking his brain cells away, and will probably have a load of fun waking up with a huge headache and hangover today.

Happy Birthday.


So I did my courteous birthday wish. I know I won't get one back come February but I don't care. It wouldn't surprise me.

Besides I'll be too busy celebrating my birthday -- SOBER -- with my wonderful friends and the man that I love.



And I'll be sober through that celebration,

and every other one following,


because every moment with Justin...


is a moment I want to remember.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

BlogSpot's Slow Return =)

So on my last post (today's) Jaunae reminded me of my plan to post my Creative Writing assignments into my BlogSpot. I've been so busy for so long that I haven't had a chance to post more than one assignment...

So guess what I did today?

^____________^

Creative Writing Assignment numero deu!!

READ IT HERE!!

=DD Please tell me what you think!!

**And remember, you don't have to have a BlogSpot account to leave a comment. You can just choose the "Anonymous" option and then sign the end of your comment with "--Your Name" so I know who you are ^_____________^ THANKS!


Pulling a Rocky (with Homework)

*Gasp!* Another post? So soon? I KNOW!! I'm excited too!! =DD

I'm already on campus even though my first class doesn't start till eleven thirty (it's 9:48 now). The reason I had to get up so damn early is because mom had a doctors appointment all the way out here and so she dropped me off early so I don't risk being late.
Before you say it, even if I had my own liscense we only have one car for the family. So same boat.

Doing yesterday's homework assignments was like running  a marathon against the clock. I had SOOO much crap due today it was poopie-like. A six-page report was assigned in my Practical Criticism class due Monday (originally) but Prof. Dahl--

**That's not her actual name, I call her that in my head because she looks like she's from a Roald Dahl book. And yes I realize Dahl isn't the one to actually illustrate his books but unfortunately for Quentin Blake I associate the art with Dahl. **

--didn't tell us what she wanted the paper to be ON until the Wednesday before [[So not cool ><]]. By then I had too many assignments to do before 11pm Friday night so I just focused on those and promised I'd crank out the report Saturday by waking up early and working the entire day if I had to. However, by the time Friday came around I was given so many NEW assignments due Monday that I didn't think I'd be able to do them all in time. Fortunately during class Friday Prof Dahl extended the deadline from Monday to Wednesday. Woot woot! So during the weekend I focused on getting all my other crap done, promising to do the assignment Monday and Tuesday.

"Oh, but that's not what happened was it, Jany?" Why, no. No it wasn't. After classes Monday I had a boat load of NEW crap to do before Wednesday. So instead of trying to do them all at the same time as the report, I AIMED to do all the assignments Monday night so that Tuesday [[my early-day out of class since there's only one]] could stay open for the paper.
*sigh* But of course I wasn't able to finish all of the assignments. -_- And so as I went to bed Monday night [[at like 2 in the morning]] with my World Lit reading and Quiz, 3 page Grammar essay, and 6 page Practical Criticism report still left undone.

Which made yesterday an frikkin Race-to-the-Finish.

Soon as I got home, I dropped my crap in my room, heated up some left over food from Asian Restaurant [[had that for dinner the night before--SCORE!!]] ate as quickly--but not too quickly because that would give me tummy aches--as I could. Once done I SHUT OFF my TV, placed Bessy Lou as FAR AWAY from me as possible, and went to town reading the excerpts from the Heptameron as fast ((but coherently)) as I could.

Once I cranked that out I logged online prepared to take the quiz. I'll be honest, I was distracted by Twitter/Emails/Myspace for a half hour but after that I gave myself a mental smack-in-da-face and got back on track.
I logged into Webcourses, quickly checked the announcements and emails from my teachers, then hopped into the Quiz.

I'm happy to say that it was easy-peasy ^_______^ Which means I passed so WHOO!!

After that I decided to work on my Grammar essay since it was the shorter paper--plus it was the Rough Draft so I would fly through it comparatively faster than my P.C. paper because THAT one was a FINAL draft.
The Grammar paper was to analyze some aspect of a Grammar website.

Oh, goody, right?

><

That took up to about a quarter after 7 to finish [[finished quiz around 3]]. After which I took a little-over-half-hour window to eat dinner and rest the brain before diving in for Round Three.

The Practical Criticism paper was for me to use one or more critical approaches to analyze either Frankenstein or one of the short stories we read in class.

Screw Frankenstein, I went for the stories.

I picked The Lottery since I already had to do a Formalistic presentation on it so WHOO! some work/research done there already ^_^ I got stuck a couple of times--once when trying to write the introduction ((my weakness)) and later when I forgot what all I wanted to say--so I had to stop and reread the story and take notes.

After that though it went pretty smoothly. Ended up combining Formalism with Psychoanalytic to get the paper done.

Happy note: in the directions it turns out she gave us a minimum word count of 1500 so I went by that instead of page amount.

In the end I had five papes, and 1600+ words.

WHOO!!! HUGE relief when I finished. Sure it was almost two thirty in the morning BUT WHATEVER.

After I got all my crap printed and put away, and I got "dressed" for bed, it was almost three.

SO. TIRED.

However I still had the goofyest smile on my face thanks to the AIM conversation I had with Justin ^______________^ I love talking to him just before sleep.

I also love it when he calls in the morning xD I'm a groggy zombie but the sound of his laugh is so heartwarming to wake up to....

*shakes head* FOCUS. hahaha No girly rant!! xDD

Alrighty what do I have for tonight's homework...

Short story and poem to critique for Creative Writing tomorrow, World Lit online discussion module on the Heptameron,--I really wish the entire thing was available in the textbook. I actually liked reading it a lot, more so than 1001 Nights--and....

Hmm...

*gasp* Is that all?

*gasp!* YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?

IT MEANS I CAN WATCH HEROES TONIGHT!! WHOOO!!!

 

In Creative Writing class we're actually done with all assignments/lectures. I know, weird right? From here to the end of the semester we'll be having nothing but workshops.
At this point, everyone in the class has written 1 Poem, 1 Short Story, and 1 Narrative Essay. We were each assigned a workshop date: The class-day before the workshop we are to bring 25 copies of ONE of our pieces ((our choice)) and pass it out to everyone in the class, who then will READ said piece before the next class day.

On workshop day the class sits in a circle ((so everyday we're sitting in a circle)) and we discuss the pieces we read ((it'll be 2-3 pieces)), giving our opinions, likes/dislikes, and criticism. At the end of the discussion, we return the pieces to their rightful owners [[we are to have written notes and junk all over the copy for the writer to read]] and the pieces to the Next workshop are passed out.

I'm actually having a lot of fun with this ^____^ Some of the pieces bomb but some have been UH-MAY-ZING!! Intimidating in fact ^^;;

This weekend I've got to choose my workshop piece and prepare it so that I can bring 25 copies to class Tuesday. Thursday we have no class so my actual workshop day will be the NEXT Tuesday.

I haven't decided between my Narrative Essay or my Short Story. I'm kinda leaning toward the Short Story though just because I love Kenna ((the main character)) so much and had so much fun writing her that I kinda want everyone to know her.

Then again I'm still "undecided" because sometimes I think because I like Kenna and her story so much maybe I shouldn't throw her to the wolves for criticism ^^;;

We'll see. ^^;;

I know I definitely don't want to do my Poem for the workshop. It's very... I dunno it's kinda plain to me. It's not anything like the stuff I used to write [[had to allow for assignment guidelines]] so it feels boring. The girl who read my rough draft way-back-when said she really liked it but that's just one person's opinion so I guess I gotta take it with a grain of salt. ((Whatever the hell that means ><))

Well, it's 10:37 now, and even though I still have an hour till class I'm thinking of ending the entry here. Maybe roam a smidge more online before heading out to class. I still want to get there early enough so I don't get stuck with one of those weird left-handed desks.

Really throws me off.

Ta-Da!


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Cyber Reunion

So I'm totally blowing off the rest of my homework tonight so I can write in here. It's alright though because I'm not expecting Yancy tomorrow until four thirty so I can wake up early and do it all then. For now--Hello, Xanga. Oh how I've missed thee.

So there is plenty to share--well, "plenty" is an understatement, believe me. I might not even have long on here, seeing as how it's already midnight and I've been TRYING to restore my sleep intake. So until I get too exhausted to stare at Bessy Lou's screen, I'm just going to wing it. First-Come-First-Served.

As I just alluded to, I've been getting very little sleep lately. I'm usually up till one or two am every night doing homework assignments or online exams/quizzes, only to wake up early the next morning for classes or to CONTINUE working on assignments I couldn't finish. So I usually only have a four to five hour sleep window... The problem is that I usually wake up a LOT throughout the night (who knows why) so these already-few hours tend to dwindle.

As I also mentioned, I'm having a Brother/Sister day with Yancy tomorrow. Usually on Sundays my friends and I have a "Sunday Funday" where we hang out at one of our places and play games all day. It might sound like it'd get dull after a while but I've always looked forward to them =) I'm a pretty big sucker for good ol' fashioned quality time with loved ones.
Not to mention it's a huge stress reliever.

My homework load is ridiculous. I'm so exhausted. And it's only going to get worse from here on out. I'm done with all my general credit courses so now it's ALLLLL English courses for me (with the occasional elective as I find them) which means LOADS of reading and writing.
In fact I signed up for my Spring classes. There was a technical glitch in the school system so they had to put the appointment times late (about two weeks ago) and I just now remembered I hadn't checked mine. I signed in to find it said my Enrollment Appointment time was APRIL of THIS year. Logically, I assumed my account still had a glitch so I emailed it in.
Turns out because my GPA is above 3.5 I've been awarded "Multi-Term Registration" which means that I can sign up for my classes soon as the system sets up the next semester, rather than waiting my "turn".
This is actually a pretty huge deal because English courses get filled up RIDICULOUSLY fast so this advancement gives me a little edge into getting the classes I want.
Too bad they didn't TELL ME about it until the email xP Luckily the only class I wasn't able to get into was "Fiction Writing Workshop" and that's ONLY because, as far as credit hours go, I wont have a Junior standing Spring semester. [[With the exception of this current semester I've been taking only 4 classes at a time instead of the recommended five so I'm three classes "behind"]]

So far I signed up for five classes next semester but I haven't decided for sure yet if I'm keeping them all or dropping one... Taking five classes this semester has been killing me with stress and I'm shedding so much hair I'm terrified I'll go bald ><
But... taking five classes will keep me from falling "behind" any further...
Mom and Dad told me they think I should focus only on school and take five classes at a time and NOT have a job.
I'm sorry... I just can't do that.
I HATE not having a job...
I feel so useless...
Besides, I know not falling behind in classes will save cash in the long run since I'll finish on time, but what am I supposed to do with NO income?
I only have one grand in my bank account, that aint going to last another two years. >< How am I going to pay my cellphone? Buy food? Buy a car and pay for the insurance and bills that come with it?
And most importantly:
How am I going to SAVE MONEY so I can do all those things and MOVE OUT?
I can't have no job. I just can't.
So I'm either doing four classes with a job, or five classes with a job.
Doing five classes has been the most stress I've ever had EVER but maybe all I need is discipline to read/work faster?... I don't know...
All I know is that if hired, I HAVE to work. Not having a job is much more stressful than a busy homework load.



There is, however, one radiant happy note in my life. As I alluded to a few entries back (if you can even call them entries) there has been a new change in my life that has kept my heart full.
I've (somehow) earned the love of a wonderful man ^__________^ We've been dating for One Month and Elev--Twelve days (it's past midnight so I had to adjust the number) but already I've become happier than I have ever been for a long, long time...
He treats me in a way I've only seen in books or chick-flicks... It's unbelievable... I've never felt so loved.... Not like this....
It's funny how life turns out...


Tiny just farted >< Way to kill the mood, furball.

Urgh. My scar has been hurting a lot lately. Seems like every couple of days it starts to hurt...
I mean the headaches make sense to me but the scar is just my body being a pest.
I hate it when it hurts though...

God it smells like a stink-bomb went off in here >< Jesus, Tiny!! *grabs Fabreeze spray and cakes the room with it*

There was more I wanted to write... but this headache is getting worse so I'll just end it here.

Feels good to finally write in here again though...

I wonder how long it'll be before I get another chance...



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