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| Hello my fine Xanga readers :) I wanted to compose a long entry wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving while including a brief-yet-detailed catch-up on my life--
BUT
Yancy has only the day to spend with us (he has an evening shift at House of Blues) and so I wish to make the best of our family gathering by destroying him and Dad in Mario Kart Double Dash.
xDD
Aint I a stinker? ;)
I intend to log on later tonight to write said entry but I won't make any promises in case I fall into a Turkey-Coma.
So I will simply say this:
To all my friends and anonymous readers, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with a scrumptious feast accompanied by merriment and laughter. ^___^
Happy Turkey Day!
P.S. -- GOD this turkey is smelling up the house but good!! xDD
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<3
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| So have you ever been sickened by the mere thought of who you are or who you've been?
I have.
I am.
God... I don't know what triggered it.. Whether it was the courteous birthday wish or whether it was the overwhelming loneliness from today but
damnit.
I can't stop having flashbacks.
Flashbacks that make me sick.
Flashbacks that make me angry.
Flashbacks that make me ashamed of the secrets I'm keeping.
God...
These are the moments I wish I could claw at my face and body and rip off the skin.
Unfortunately I cut my nails saturday evening. They're not long enough to do anything now.
Why am I such....
AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I hate this.
I hate this.
I don't want the memories.
I don't want to remember.
It makes me sick.
It makes me angry.
It makes me disgusting.
God I really am an idiot.
A stupid, disgusting idiot.
What will I do if everyone should know?
What will I do if he should know?
God I don't want to lose him...
I can't...
He's too good....
Shit.
I want to hurl.
I wish my nails were longer.
Damnit.
Damnit damnit DAMNIT.
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| So today's November 8th. I can't help but notice.
Last night I realized what today would be and already knew what I was going to do. It can't be helped. Not by me anyway.
I dated him for 9 months, broke up, then dated 13 months, and broke up again. We're over and done with and I've moved on from being upset about it because I have someone better. Someone incredible...
But despite that there are still some facts that won't change.
I was in love with "Him" for 3 years (even through the first breakup).
So he won't be erased from memory. He can't be.
I'll always care, just not as much as I used to.
For example, I know I'm no longer in love with him because I'm busy falling for someone else.
So we're done, yes. I'm not in love with Him, yes.
But a soft spot will still always exist.
I'll still always wish him happiness (despite how angry the flashbacks make me).
And so, because I felt for him for so long, I couldn't help but remember today is His birthday.
21 now, so I figured he'd go clubbing and drinking as he always wanted to do.
I was going to send him a short Happy Birthday message on MySpace today, but last night I got busy with uploading a CRAP load of photos onto MySpace---
**I've had tons of photos on my cell that I've been meaning to post online; but since they were so many I didn't want to send them to myself one by one like I normally would had it been a small amount. So I knew I had to do the memory chip thingy (shut off phone, remove chip, insert into computer, etc) and so I kept putting it off since whenever my phone is turned off, it loses all the textual memory [[my make-shift faces, my made-up words like "crappy" or "muah" (that's me blowing a kiss)] and that's a huge annoyance to me.
Anyway I finally got around to it last night and posted all the photos.
Lots of Tiny, Lots of sky photos, some "Random" photos, and a few in my main album**
---which kept me on MySpace until after midnight. I saw the time and remembered again.
I shrugged and sent him the message early.
"Was going to send this tomorrow but was online messing with crap and now it's past midnight so I'll say it now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I hope it's a fun one!"
After that I closed up and went to bed.
Don't get me wrong, I have no intention on talking to him on a regular basis or mending a friendship ((I just don't see that working and frankly it shows more promise of misery than happiness. I see how Josh still haunts Jaunae and I don't want that to happen to me. So I'm going to nip it in the bud and follow Yancy's example: "Exes are exes. You break up, and you're done. No more."))
I just felt that it was only courteous to send the Birthday Wish after everything we went through...
I mean I'm not made of stone. ><
Anyway, so a few minutes ago I logged online -- since my plans of seeing my friends were shot to hell thanks to feminine symptoms -- and found an email notification of a new MySpace message.
I figured it would be just a "Thank you" message.
It was... technically.
It was a single line thanking me for the birthday wish but that he was drunk at the moment so he would talk to me later when he was sober.
The typing made it obvious that what he said was true.
*rolls eyes*
I just don't get the attraction in the idea of getting drunk. I just don't. It sounds stupid to me.
I mean, OK, I'll admit that I'll probably try a drink at my own 21st birthday ((an Appletini in honor of Scrubs xD)) but I have no intention of getting drunk. Ever.
I don't want to be drunk,
I don't want to wake up with a hangover and puking,
I don't want any of it.
It just sounds so stupid to me.
What's the attraction?
Someone clue me in please because I just don't get it.
Anyway so He must have had a "blast" last night drinking his brain cells away, and will probably have a load of fun waking up with a huge headache and hangover today.
Happy Birthday.
So I did my courteous birthday wish. I know I won't get one back come February but I don't care. It wouldn't surprise me.
Besides I'll be too busy celebrating my birthday -- SOBER -- with my wonderful friends and the man that I love.
And I'll be sober through that celebration,
and every other one following,
because every moment with Justin...
is a moment I want to remember.
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| So on my last post (today's) Jaunae reminded me of my plan to post my Creative Writing assignments into my BlogSpot. I've been so busy for so long that I haven't had a chance to post more than one assignment...
So guess what I did today?
^____________^
Creative Writing Assignment numero deu!!
READ IT HERE!!
=DD Please tell me what you think!!
**And remember, you don't have to have a BlogSpot account to leave a comment. You can just choose the "Anonymous" option and then sign the end of your comment with "--Your Name" so I know who you are ^_____________^ THANKS! | | |
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