Mom never means her apologies. Because it is never her fault.

And I'm really f*cking tired of it.

And the fact she had the gall to call me a selfish daughter who doesn't want to help her family because I freaked out (in fear) about the idea of lending them money to buy a house.

1) She didn't ASK. She just said "What's your credit card limit? Oh, then we can just put it all on her card." 

2) She threw the phrase around "to buy a house" without telling me the actual amount. How the hell is that NOT supposed to scare me?

3) I voice my concerns about the loan and the fact that she just planned it as if I didn't have a choice when it's MY money and SHE gets mad at ME because she knows I've lent to my friends so why not them. (Meaning she's ignoring me/missing the point).

4) She has the fucking gall to accuse me of being selfish or bad daughter after the fucking THOUSANDS i've lent them over the years!? THEY FUCKING SPENT MY COLLEGE TUITION MONEY AND NEVER PAID ME BACK SO I HAD TO WORK FOR MY TUITION ALL FOUR YEARS.

I'm done. I'm just... I'm f*cking done with her.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Literal last person was Dad. So, yes. Romantically, no. They meant it platonically, evidently.

Hey, Xanga... Wow, I actually don't know how to start this. It's about as awkward as several clichés that I'll choose not to mention.

As always there's no real/justifiable reason for my absence here, but it hardly makes a difference. The holidays were a dud, again, but here's hoping for a better year. Is it weird that I'm dreading February? I really am. Three events within the same two weeks that I would rather skip completely. The entire month is going to suck...

I'm getting back into Zumba. It worked really well for me before (when I first bought the game). The only reason I stopped was because I was walking 8+ miles at Universal nearly every day and it was becoming too much for my legs to bear. Now that my job doesn't involve moving platforms or 2-5 staircases, I should be able to get back into the game and keep it. I've only done two sessions (Thursday and now today) but I can already feel my old level of endurance creeping back. I used to be able to burn 600 calories per session and at the moment I'm already doing half that, so that's a good sign I guess. Muscle memory is helping me with the songs too...

I've long-stopped doing this, but I made resolutions this year. I figured I'll have a better chance of actually doing them if I don't share them until completed. Here's hoping that works.

*Sigh* I hate saying/feeling "here's hoping" so often. It seems to be the only thing I can do lately.

Our house is in foreclosure. Evidently the owner we rent from wasn't kidding when he said money was getting tight. And clearly the plan to sell the house didn't work. They say things like this takes months to go through but realistically we know that any day they could show up and say "You've got two weeks. Get out." One of my relatives is out of town so they said, worse-case-scenario, we can crash at their place if we're kicked out before finding a new one.

Yancy's moving to Buffalo to live closer to the other Adrians and make things easier to work on their book. He originally tossed the idea of me going with him. I turned him down. I miss snow but that doesn't mean I miss Buffalo (although to be fair I'm judging it by the only part of it I've lived in, the poor side), not to mention that all my friends (dwindling and strained as they are) are here and I don't know anyone up there. (No offense, but cousins don't count since I haven't seen any of them for longer than 2 days in over a decade. That equals strangers). One of his arguments (there were only a couple) for my joining him would be that I wouldn't be alone. I'd have him and the other Adrians.

No offense to them, but I've grown so damn tired of being the little sister in the group and frankly with their ages, personalities, and sizes (they're all frikkin trees), that's all I'll ever be. (I say this not because of romantic interest but instead referring to a sense of belonging and equal status).

((Not to mention I really don't want to live with Yancy if I can avoid it. Love him and all but I deal with him better when I'm not a room/hall mate.))

But I am saving up for something else... We'll see if that goes anywhere.

Tiny's doing better. She's not getting sick as often as she was.

I'm keeping track of my accumulated vacation hours. A hopeful version of me wanted to save it for my birthday or some other time when I can take a week (or half week) and go someplace, but I know nothing's going to happen so instead the idea so far is to save it up for MegaCon weekend and get paid while I browse a convention hall full of nerdy things. (I know I only go to the Saturday one, but you know what I mean).

I miss feeling wanted.

I go back and forth between considering cutting my hair or just trimming it. It largely depends on my mood. "Normal" me really likes my long hair, but the "bad days" version of me wants to just chop it off.

There's a girl at work who is just flawless-doesn't-even-have-to-try-like-at-ALL gorgeous and it bums me out.

I bought two new pairs of jeans, some black "interview" pants, and a blouse I actually really like and plan on wearing to Jaunae's birthday. I'm still waiting on the bill from KOHLS to pay it off. (They signed me up for a free KOHLS card that gives you discounts on almost everything in the store when used, but the card itself is kind of like a credit card so I have to wait for them to mail me my card and info so I know where/how to pay). I still need more clothes but damn everything is expensive nowadays. Actually they always have been but I'm in desperate need of an actual adult wardrobe that it's just more noticeable now. 

I'd actually like to get some skirts and dresses.

I'm hoping they'd make me feel better.

There's that word again.

Today wasn't a bad day I'm just having a rough weekend and it's just all coming out here.

Dearest Xanga. You rarely get good news it seems (comparatively).

I really need new glasses. That'll have to be next on the list now that the two new jeans keep the "what if my one pair rips?" danger away. This week would've been the perfect time to do it but now I gotta keep my eye out for that KOHLS bill so I can't assume I have any money.

I miss the water.

I just want to go. Leave. But not with Yancy and I don't know where. I look on my friends' facebook pages and I just see photos after photos of beaches, forts, cruises, campings, and other such outings and they all seem to take place within days of each other (according to the statuses, not the post times) yet they somehow still work 40-60 hour weeks? How??

And it all just makes me feel like crap because I work part-time but have no fun times to experience or post about.

I hate working the liquor store at work. It's only for 20-35 minutes at a time (to give the main liquor store person their breaks) but I truly hate it. Selling hard liquor in bulk and to people who think nothing of dropping hundreds, and in some cases even THOUSANDS, of dollars on booze (but then still bitch inside about how expensive the apples are). I've told higher-ups before (more than once) about my being uncomfortable working there but they don't seem to care since they have yet to "train" anyone else to do it for me. (I use the quotes because they never trained me for anything. They just threw me in there to fend for myself). I really hate that place. My skin crawls every time I have to hand someone cigarettes or damn liters of booze.

My mind is all over the place tonight. I think I'm just tired. I should probably try to sleep.

I miss my friends.

Just a quick announcement I didn't bother to check if it would fit in a pulse: I've completed a second challenge from the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Friendly reminder (I think I'll always repeat this) that I'm not doing them in order.

"Day 16" Challenge titled "Coffee Break"

I know Alisha had trouble commenting, but I double-checked and anonymous comments are still possible and welcome on the site (hopefully it was just a glitch on her side) so please leave a thought! Thanks!

(Yeah this totally would not have fit into a pulse. xP)

Tonight was absolutely amazing, and I can't image anyone I would have rather had at my side than him for this concert.

Thank you, God, for the random emails I get from House of Blues, Ticketmaster, and LiveNation, otherwise I would have never found out about this show in time.

The concert was incredible. My face still hurts from smiling and laughing so much.

Tonight was just an absolute blast. :) <3

I'm so happy. -^_________^-

P.S. Based on everything I felt tonight, a new blog title. I feel beautiful.

My necklace from Strapya World came in yesterday. I'm terrified I might have ruined the pearl though. I thought I would have to clean it before placing it in the necklace (if for no other reason than to wipe off the clam smell) so I looked at a bunch of sites online and they all said that a small amount of soft soap (all recommended baby soap but most said dish soap may also do) in warm water for a second or two would do the trick, and then to wipe clean in something soft (not a towel). I remember the pearl shined a beautiful, breath-taking white when I first revealed it, but after the quick dip in the water I noticed it was much duller. And when I look at it closely I can see spots like -- how do I describe this -- like when you scrape your hand/skin but instead of a cut or redness you just see a white streak. I can't be sure if the spots were there before or not because I didn't hold the pearl close to my face when I first uncovered it (I figured it would smell since I could clearly smell the clam), all I remember is that shine before I gently placed it in the water.

I only used a few drops of the soap but I guess even that was too much. 

A part of me wonders if I should just buy another one and not clean it, but instead place directly into the necklace, or maybe just let it air out the smell rather than worry about water. But another part of me likes the game of chance in the pearl colors and doesn't want to "redo" it only to get a completely different color.

The one given to me was white, for knowledge. (Ironic, since my lack of pearl knowledge may have ruined this one).

Another part of me is sad that I have these thoughts at all. Because that part of me feels that the pearl represents me. Not flawless. Not dazzling. With no sparkles or breath-taking shines in the light...

But instead rough. With "scrapes." And dull...

But still a pearl...

Still unique...

It's still a pearl...

---

I spent the better half of the day with Justin, and it was wonderful. We hugged in greeting and that combined with his voice just sent me into a giddy daze that I didn't come out from for the whole evening. I had missed him even more than I realized. I also got a HUGE boost when he said he liked my lipstick. It's the first one I've ever purchased and with all the sticks being sealed I had to eyeball it to find a complimentary color. It was a HUGE boost for me to hear that he liked it and that I had passed my first attempt at something so dependent on shades. :P

We walked over to Tropical Smoothie and had smoothies, browsed BAM, and talked movies for a while before catching Life of Pi and Lincoln, both of which were great (and thank God I wasn't too politically-stupid to understand and appreciate Lincoln! That would've been awkward. :P)

Even though it never got me down (until the drive home, anyway), I did find myself wishing, as usual, that things were different. I kept wanting to reach for his hand and had to actively remind myself not to. I also wanted to link arms and rest my head on his shoulder during Lincoln (during the calm parts) and kiss his cheek during our goodbyes, but somehow I was able to remind myself in time.

Wasn't until the drive home that it (the sadness) all hit me. It actually sucks that I can drive myself places. It's so much lonelier driving by myself and I miss the time together that I would have otherwise had.

He said the necklace was really pretty and didn't mention anything negative about the pearl, although I never told him I ruined it, so hopefully it's not as noticeable to others as it is to me.

I keep listening to Taylor Swift's album, "Red," whenever I drive since the radio sucks and it's the only physical CD I have that's long enough for it not to feel too loopy. But whenever the song "All Too Well" comes on I cry. Every time. Sometimes I skip the song all together if I'm already feeling too low to bear it. The lyrics are just too much for me.

It felt so good seeing him today... I wish our original plans hadn't been cancelled but I'm so glad I wasn't stuck at home. I'm so grateful to him for still wanting to spend the day with me. (He also wanted out of the outing with his dad's girlfriend but I'll take what I can get.)

After all this time and all that's happened, his voice still makes me happy. We have plans to go to a concert together this week and he had actually called me yesterday (not texted, called) to let me know he had picked up the tickets. My heart skipped a beat with excitement when I heard his ringtone. I didn't tell him this (or the previous statement, obviously), but the second I heard his voice all the horrible things I felt that week just lifted off of me and I had the biggest smile on my face. The added fact that he chose to call instead of text (was probably driving but still) kept me giddy all the -- what otherwise would have been lonely -- way home. I can't wait to hear that voice again.

(Oh, and don't worry, I'm keeping myself in check, but with this past week I need to allow myself to look forward to things.)

I do miss him though...

---

I feel like my thoughts aren't flowing as smoothly as usual. I just reread that last section and it's in need of better segways, heh. Oh well.

Mom and Dad come back Tuesday morning. It's funny that I had the freedom of not having to rush home for curfew or answer 20 questions about what I'm doing, yet didn't get the opportunity to actually go anywhere and enjoy those freedoms. Even the concert is AFTER they come back so I have to go straight home after.

Just thought of the pearl again. I really hope this back and forth ends soon. But I'm still so angry at myself for ruining it. I finally buy myself something nice and I screw it up.

---

Home alone again.

I wish I could have stayed with him a little longer.

Thanksgiving was... okay. I put my expectations too high. Yancy just keeps... *sigh*...

Could've been worse though. Much worse.

I wish I had passed and taken up Justin's offer. At least then maybe I could've saved his day. Or at least made it bearable... I really wish he could've been happy and had a good holiday...

I don't like living with my brother. I got along so much better with him when it was just sleepovers on special occasions. In my defense, he doesn't help himself.

I keep crying today... I'd like to blame it on the >4 hours of sleep, but it probably just buildup from trying not to cry myself to sleep every night this week.

Or maybe it's both.

I gotta build up my bank account a little more. I really need new clothes. The old-old shirts are either getting holes or too small on me and the old-new shirts are too few in number to even cover a week. (Not to mention I'm almost positive I'm wearing the wrong bra size and desperately need more socks and undies). But to get the clothes and shoes I gotta first make a nice safety net in the bank account (I try to keep it from ever falling under $1000 just in case) so that I'll have enough for a spree and food and gas and still keep a small budget for movies/outings. So far I have enough for all of that except the spree. 

I need, and actually want, some skirts, dresses and blouses too. Being stuck wearing my old-old clothes makes me feel stuck in high school and I've been through too much to go back to that.

So just a few saved paychecks and I can dress more adult like...

I wish I was doing it for someone though (other than me, I mean). It was a really great feeling dressing up and seeing all the obsessive work rewarded with that smile and-- 

I'm off topic.

Crap, I forgot the dishes. Better hop off and do them since I gotta wake up early(ish) for work.

Thanksgiving would've been a blast if Yancy would stop thinking he's above everything. He and I no longer define "fun" the same way.

I want to go to a theme park. I actually miss Universal (the place, not the job). But then again it's not like I got to enjoy it much. The whole reason I quit instead of just going off-schedule is because schedules never lined up for me to go there with someone. 

*sigh* Aching/swollen feet and sweat-soaked clothes or not, I should have tried harder to ride Dueling Dragon Challenge at the end of my day shifts. Maybe that would've helped me hate the job less...

Then again if I could enjoy rides flying solo I wouldn't have quit the job. 

I like company.

Always have.

I hate being alone. It's what made my elementary (and first year of middle school) years so horrible. I had so many friends in Buffalo but when we moved down here everyone greeted me with hate and bullying. (The hate and snide comments never stopped but at least I started getting friends again starting 7th grade).

Maybe it's just this place.

Maybe I should save up for a vacation. Just pick a city (in the country, I'm not made of money) and spend a weekend or week there... 

Then again if I did that I'd be doing it alone.

Which is the whole problem isn't it?

Not to mention I'd probably be too scared and paranoid to do it even if I didn't mind going alone.

God, why can't our society knock it the hell off with the hate, violence, and evil? We're supposed to be happy. We're all supposed to be happy. 

I had so much fun rolling down grassy hills before I learned about bugs and cockroaches.

And I really miss the feeling of rolling and laughing and watching my hair whip in and out of my vision...

Now all I can think about is getting bitten or having bugs in my clothes.

You know, I was never bitten by a bug (excluding mosquitos) until we moved down here.

Maybe there are still some places in the world where I can enjoy rolling down hills and playing in parks alone without being afraid...

of bugs...

or anything else...

Long day. Lots of thoughts. Will write about it later, but first SLEEEEPPPP.

Before I go, must get this out of head:

After I clocked out today I received a text that said: "Hey Janira, I don't know if you or anyone you know still smokes. But [website] is giving out free e-cig trials. - Mark"

The FIRST pressing thought I had: "Who the *HONK* is Mark?"

*Fun fact: I didn't censor myself just then, my thoughts ACTUALLY consisted of a sound there instead of a word. Baha.

Okay, sleep.

But, no, really, who the wocka is Mark and why does/did he think I smoke/d?

$18.40 to be exact. And I regret nothing. So here's how it happened: You see, when I wake up, or rather, when I'm ready to GET up, I reach for my phone first and check the notifications, opening only the important ones (texts, voicemails, etc). Well, finally having a full-on lazy day (will get to that later) today, I decided to check the tweets. There was one from Strapya World (where I bought my cute Hello Kitty earphones [the ONLY Hello Kitty merch I've ever liked]) and I clicked it...

It was to a kit to make your own pearl necklace!! :DD And it's flipping GORGEOUS!! I fell in love with it and did my customary "Should I?/Shouldn't I?" battle with myself (only this time it only lasted a record 5 seconds) and decided to get it for myself. Because, dammit, after the year I've had I deserve something nice.

So I treated myself to it. :) Early Christmas gift I guess, lol. But I don't regret it. I'm SO excited and can't wait to get it in the mail. And, thanks to the sale they're currently having, it all cost me under $20 AFTER shipping! SCORE!!

I DO have to watch my spending, though, so I'll be more frugal ["MORE frugal, Jany? Because you've been SO out of control up until now. xD"] from here on out. Starting with depositing those two paychecks I still haven't banked.

I DO feel a little selfish for treating myself before having done ANY shopping or even gift-idea-forming for anyone else. I am so bad with finding gifts. :( Especially for guys. I just, I can't think of anything. -_- I don't know what it is. Other than the necklace and plate, ALL of my gifts to Jaunae have just been monkey-related items (mostly stuffed animals). For Derrick, pfft, I think I've only ever given him one tangible gift (the other being Universal tickets that one time) and that was when we did the Disney-themed Christmas (everyone bought Disney DVDs). With Justin I was God-awful at it. Over the course of our friendship-turned-romance I had gotten him a polar bear poster (I told you I'm terrible), home-made valentines card (which, at the time making it I was really excited about, but at the moment of truth I felt so lame, like a kid drawing something in macaroni for his mom or something), a few manga volumes and DVD seasons, food, and I can't even remember what else at the moment. Probably more of the same.

The mangas and DVDs aren't that bad actually, I know, especially since some of those DVDs were of a show he loved, but I can't pull a Papi all my life. **By that I mean that I can't give the same gift over and over like Dad does (he always buys Mom purses or a watch. That's it. Dear lord the amount of purses...)

It was easy to shop for Yancy for a while back when I worked at Virgin because then I'd just get him the newest and fanciest thing in our comic book section. But now I'm back to DVDs with him (and he always has to give us a list, otherwise I'm lost).

With Dafne and Kathy, I can't even remember most of them, but I know there were a lot of DVDs involved there too.

-_- I suck.

I really, really wish I were better at this kind of thing... 

I showed Mom the necklace I bought for myself. She liked it and said it'd make a good gift. I felt a little jealous because I wasn't hoping for a "twinsies" situation, but I told Dad anyway so that he can aim for something OTHER THAN A PURSE for her for once. He was excited about it until he found out he'd have to make an account with the site to order it (it's just an email and address, damn). Suddenly it was "too complicated" for him and he said he'd pass. Now I don't know what to do because I don't know if I should get one for mom or not. As I said before, I didn't want to since I wanted this for myself and even though I won't love my necklace any less, I don't want Ma to try to "match" with me all the time. Plus, I'm scared if I make an IDENTICAL order on my own account that they might fear it to be a glitch and cancel one of them or that it might cause problems in shipping, etc. This worry dabbles in paranoia but I don't think it's completely unfounded. I mean, it makes sense right? It'd be an identical order to one that hasn't even been prepared and shipped yet.

Plus if I was going to end up paying for two I would've preferred doing it all at once so that I don't have to pay shipping again (sale or not, pointless/avoidable spending is a tick with me).

Maybe I'm just flat out selfish and am making excuses. I feel gross for saying it, but I really don't want to buy another one for a gift.

*sigh* So I'm just selfish. Fantastic.

I'll give it a couple days and see how things go.

I started this post happy and excited and now I'm feeling bad about myself. How the hell did that happen? I wanted to treat myself to something nice and special, dammit!! I shouldn't have to suffer guilt-trips just because I don't want to go twinsies. Besides, she gets to see Puerto Rico over Thanksgiving. I don't get no island paradise for the holiday. Hell, I might not even get a turkey.

You know what, screw feeling guilty. I wanted something unique, special, and beautiful for myself for once and I'm going to enjoy it. I deserve that much.

...

...

...

So... Come back, Happiness and Excitement.

...

...

Please...

I'm going to use the "happy" photo anyway because the excitement WILL come back. Besides, before watches, Dad got Mom a LOT of necklaces and that got old, too. 

I deserve something nice just for me...

I deserve that much after a year of loneliness and dead holidays.

Yes, I deserve that much.

Ted Mosby said to just go to sleep if it was after 2 am.
Because every decision made after that time
was the wrong decision.

But it's not after 2 am.
It's not even midnight.
But I'm going to bed, Ted Mosby.

Because my head is pounding
my eyes are burning
my fingers are twitching
and my heart is aching.

I don't have alcohol or the wee hours of the morning to blame this on.
I just have me.
And what could be bad decisions.

So, goodnight, Ted Mosby.