I'm crying in the livingroom while I watch a show with Yancy and Dad. The lights aren't even all out, but they don't notice.

Taken off of Tumblr, as far as I know, the original poster was "thunderpopcola".

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This is how you lose her. 

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets. 

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the  beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished.When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her. 

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her. 

I don't know what the hell I am.

...A few weeks ago I had plans with Justin to catch a movie at the LOOP. I got a text from Dafne sometime during the night before (I was already asleep, it was late) saying she'd be in town. After I found her text in the morning I sent her an invite to join us. A few hours later she declined, saying she'd catch me another time, but I invited her again afraid she thought I didn't want her there or something since it was Justin, and kept her updated on our whereabouts and such. I can't remember if I got a response to the second invite, but after the movie let out I pulled out my phone to call her, and she called first. She decided to stop by after all so we met up and the three of us hung out.

It was awkward, I won't lie, there's nothing going on in my life other than the idea of doing substitute teaching so I had nothing to share, and while Dafne had tons of stories, I don't know who any of those people are (which then forces the stories to be more explanation and set-up than actual telling) and the names get jumbled too easily in my head for me to follow the story clearly. But that wasn't all that was going on. I was having a pretty bad week with very little sleep and a lot of things stirring up again (I actually started ripping up plates/napkins again) and I was having trouble keeping my head level and my feet grounded that day. Justin made light of everything and was being fun as usual but there was a little weirdness there too -- later on Dafne would tell me on the phone that the reason she tried to decline is because she had stopped speaking to Justin for a long while now. I wasn't aware of this, I knew she had stopped talking to him once before but I was under the impression that that was amended at some point. Guess not. And I still don't see why she couldn't just say that in the text to begin with, otherwise I wouldn't have pushed her so hard.

Anyway... I gave her what was meant to be her christmas gift. She seemed to like it okay. It was season 1 of "DollHouse," which (during her birthday dinner with me) she mentioned she liked but was hard to find. I was worried maybe she had found it since then or something since I never got a chance to give it to her at Christmas-time, but she said that wasn't the case. In hindsight maybe she does have it and lied because of what she was planning to do, or maybe the knowledge of what she planned to do kept her from being genuinely excited for it.

Or maybe I just bombed and it was a crappy gift.

...She gave me some gifts too (better ones than mine I think so I felt bad. I really need to get better at this): a pair of frames with inspirational sayings on them, and the first book in the HUNGER GAMES series.

They were great gifts but I could tell she wasn't in a touching mood so I tried to leave the hugs as quick as possible (if I circumstances allowed me to see her more often then I would've been able to just let hugging go for the day).

We parted ways as she drove back home. Justin and I hung out a little bit more by just walking around some but soon went home too.

Once home I went back to filling out some job applications I had "paused" before the hangout. Dafne texted me to call her when I had a chance. I finished the applications and called.

And so began a conversation that could not have come at a worser time to do the most damage.

She asked if we were still friends. I answered honestly, "Yes." I know we're no where close to how we were before, and that maybe the term "best" can't be used anymore, but she was still my friend without question and I still loved her.

Dafne is not one to say how she feels, so throughout our entire friendship I've tried to keep my mouth shut the rare times she starts to open up because any word or sound could scare her away and make her lock it all up again.

So I tried to stay quiet and listen to what she had to say... and it quickly turned into me having to be quiet because I was trying so hard to keep my breath even and keep from sobbing.

She explained to me that we weren't friends. That things have been so strained for a long time and that she felt like she was always making me choose, and then losing....

I never meant to make her feel that way, but every time I found out she was in town was either LATE the night before or the DAY OF a couple hours before, which is sometimes hard to work around (sometimes I worked, sometimes I had long-established commitments/plans, etc). The times I was free I always gave them to her but realistically there's only so much I can do with that kind of notice. I remember back when she first moved out there she told me she needed to give a MONTH'S notice if she wanted to request a day off (which is hard in itself because it was hard for the gang to PLAN anything that far in advance). Years later, keeping that statement in mind, I told her my graduation date the MOMENT I knew it, which was well over a month in advance. She told me she wouldn't be able to get it off because she was a manager-on-duty now. I understood but kept the online request for her ticket intact and asked/reminded some more. The day to pick up the tickets (a week before the ceremony I believe) finally came around and -- after being told a couple times that she can't do it over the course of the month -- I picked up only the tickets I'd need and left the extras for other students who needed them.

That late afternoon/early evening (ticket pickup was early morning) she calls me to say she can come. That it came up in conversation and her manager pulled strings so she could make it. "I didn't know I could ask for it off, I didn't think I could." But I couldn't do anything about it now because her ticket was gone and I wasn't going to uninvite anyone else because I wanted them there and they had already made it happen A MONTH AGO with their jobs and such to make sure they could make it. I was able to see her for the graduation dinner but over the phone I could tell she was upset she couldn't be at the ceremony. I was hurt to find she hadn't even asked.

So I don't know if it's just hurt from that realization or what but that "month's notice" thing kept coming back at me combined with my assumption that she would know her scheduled days off at least a week in advance left me so thunderstruck as to why I always got notified at the last minute when she was in town.

She said she saw me maybe 2-3 times last year in all, while she saw Justin around 6 times. But there were so many times Justin would share a story about meeting up with her or letting her into the parks etc etc after the fact and I'd be sitting there thinking, "She was in town!?"

But what really got me was the megacon thing. I had made plans with Alisha and Jaunae to get the middle-school trio back together. Same week of megacon Dafne surprises me with a call and tells me she's going. I'm excited about it but initially forgot about the plans with Jaunae and Alisha. So a couple days before I'm frantically talking to Dafne about not knowing how to coordinate things because I know she didn't want to see Jerrick and I didn't want to force her into doing anything that would make her uncomfortable or ruin her megacon experience. So I was working on an idea to do a series of meet ups and split ups where I'd switch from group to group so I could see everyone but she wouldn't have to see them.

She tells me not to worry about it and that she'd drive herself up there so that there's no trap of following the driver.

Day of megacon she tells me she's not going and that she's spending the day with her dad and sister instead.

I was bummed because I really wanted to see her, but figured it was the drive that caused her decision--since it IS a hell of a drive. :/

Turns out she HAD gone to Megacon and was there the whole time.

She didn't want to make me feel like I was being spread out or having to run around trying to meet everyone. (None of that would have mattered to me though because I thought the idea would've worked and I would've gotten to see her).

But she said that's what she meant that she felt like she was always making me choose and losing because I freaked out about finding a solution when she could've just hung out with all of us since they all can be civil and other people would be there to buffer.

My mind reeled with, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT!? I'm here thinking you can't see them at ALL because while, yes, you saw Jaunae when Justin broke up with me and the girls all came to help me but that was BEFORE I knew just what had gone down between the three of you and ALL that you felt on your side of the story. IF I KNEW THERE WAS NO PROBLEM I WOULDN'T HAVE FREAKED OUT ABOUT A PROBLEM.

So it was just this series of miscommunications that kept screwing us up but I still didn't want to lose her because while we may not be as close as we had been before, I still loved her and still held her as my friend.

But she said it was too much and that our lives were too separate now and that nothing would even change if we stopped it now (which I can see to an extent what she means because since she doesn't live here sure my day-to-day life wouldn't change but it would still CHANGE THINGS. It'd still be losing a friend!)

It was taking all the strength I could muster to keep my breathing under control but I was quickly losing the battle as I failed to hide the sound of my crying.

And she called it quits... saying it was just better to end it now and not drag things out anymore....

She thanked me for all the great times...

and hung up...

I've texted her a couple times since then but no answers. I checked her blog online to see if she had further explained anything only to find that while her blog had not been deleted all the posts had been erased... And since that was the one online thing she had (save for her twitter, which I haven't been able to find so it's either blocked from my view or erased as well) I have no other connections left to her.

I know I'm not innocent in all this. I didn't text or call anywhere near the amount I should have.....

but she was still my friend...

I still called her my Teddy Bear and Daf-Daf....

I mean Kathy and I are not as close as we once were either but we still keep in touch and I still love her dearly... And I pray she never wants to just up and end it, too....

But maybe it's because Kathy still has her xanga and has a facebook.... Online social sites allow people to stay updated and linked to each other's lives whenever they have a spare moment, allowing for communications on their own time... but texting and calls require both individuals to be free at the same time...

Still... I should have tried harder....

But, dammit, I didn't and still don't want to just end it.

She's my friend, dammit. And I love her.

If she never speaks to me again, I still love her.

 

And in my heart she will always be my friend...

even if I'm not hers...

 

I should have tried harder.... 

 

But dammit...

 

Just... dammit.

I've tried to measure my bra size three times now using the instructions from work and do-it-yourself websites...

Each attempt says I'm a DD...

 

I can't be doing this right.

 

 

 

On the plus side, my band size is down one size to 34in!

It makes me a little sad that the only men who ever say I'm beautiful anymore are all upwards of forty.

I don't know where to begin.

Nothing in my home life has changed, yet a lot of things are happening.

 

I start my new job this coming Monday. Should've been today but it was postponed. Long story. It's a miracle I got the job at all since I had to make an interview with swollen, red eyes the morning after Dafne broke up with me.

 

My head spins at night.

 

I just want to be happy again.

 

The new job will pay $9 an hour once I start. Maybe if I work enough I can do one of my resolutions this year. I'm still looking into becoming a substitute teacher, but so far there aren't any openings yet and the school year's almost over. In the meantime it's retail for me since the office jobs at Dad's work (and several other offices I've applied to online) didn't work out.

I keep trying to write. Every day I try.

But I can't feel my fire...

I feel like such a waste these days.

 

But I put on the smile.

I'm quite the little actress.

If you have a brother who is doing well enough that he can afford trips to tropical islands and house renovations, and has offered you money with no limits without you even asking because he knows how much you need to find a place to live...

Why on EARTH would you ask your UNEMPLOYED daughter FIRST about a THOUSAND DOLLAR loan (no matter how short-term the loan would be [in this case until the 15th]) and give her a mini panic attack from the massive amount of stress and pressure AND THEN say "Oh, nevermind, I'll just ask my brother. He's offered me money already, I just haven't taken him up on it."

I'm running on VERY little sleep, okay, my body CANNOT handle this right now.

ARGH.

 

 

On a positive note: We finally got a house. Papers are being drawn up to be signed.

I've noticed I've been uploading more and more pictures of myself to Facebook. That's a good sign I think...

Maybe it's just the wee hours of the morning. Or dusk. Or twilight. Or whatever the hell time of night this is.

Maybe it's the crying at night, usually to sleep.

Maybe it was the crying-so-hard-I-couldn't-cry-myself-to-sleep two nights ago.

Maybe it's just growing up.

But I'm coming to believe I may have a growing depression here.

Mom suggested something that probably wouldn't work, and for some reason made me more upset. She's starting to genuinely worry about me.

And just now, talking to Corky via text, our conversation somehow ended on a thought it hasn't ended on in a while...

Corky: "I wished we lived closer. You could stay the night and we could watch movies and everything."
Me: "Heh, with the way things are going down here maybe I SHOULD just move up there... start anew..."

It's probably just the witching hour having fun with my exhausted mind...

Or maybe my mind is just done...

Maybe I should just move away...

Maybe I should move to Tennessee...

It's not like I'd see my friends any less often than I already am...

And clearly it'd make no difference in their lives.

That sounded more bitter than I meant it.

Maybe I should go.

Like I said, it'd hardly matter anymore, with the way things are going...

I'm tired. It's really late. 

Maybe it's just the rough nights...