わたしはこどくをかんじる。

I am sitting in the living room with freshly washed hair -- which I have blow dried but it is still a bit frizzy, but wavy too -- wearing comfy pajama bottoms, a blue wife-beater tank top, and my heart necklace.

I feel extremely attractive right now. (Not sarcasm, I actually feel this way).

 

 

I took Tiny to the vet today... And found out that she's diabetic.

My Tiny-baby is diabetic... She'll need shots the rest of her life, strict diets, none of her favorite treats, and (I imagine) more frequent doctor visits than just once a year...

They're keeping her overnight to flush her system and figure out her dosage... I'm picking her up tomorrow... And most likely learning how to give her her insulin shots tomorrow too. God, I hope she doesn't grow to hate me for them. :(

Diabetic...

My Tiny...

And I'm crying again...

It's 3:36 AM, I haven't slept a wink, I'm still in my jeans, and I have to get up early to take Tiny to the vet. Actually I probably have to wake up once before that just to take her out to pee.

But I finally wrote something. It's not perfect, as much as I tried fixing it these past four-ish days I can't get it there, but I think I got close enough considering the colossal writer's block I've been buried under.

Anyway. It's another challenge/prompt from the "30 Day Writing Challenge." It's Day 22, and the third one I've written. 

Read it on my BlogSpot here: "Inhale."

Please leave your thoughts, or if you have trouble with the site, you can leave a comment here too. I allow anonymous commenting in both locations.

Thanks.

I'm stuck crying in the bathroom. I'm stuck. And everyone needs to get up early so I shouldn't and can't text anyone... I'm stuck.

Finally started writing something, but the words are starting to choke again. I just can't seem to get the phrasing right or get from A to B...

I feel like I just can't get out of this mud. Like it's just gripping to me and pulling me in like Atreyu's horse in The Neverending Story. 

It doesn't help that it may be starting, if not already happening. I knew it was only a matter of time but... Damn, I was hoping I'd be more... or more to the point less...

It doesn't matter. Never did/does. I should be used to that by now.

I have to get this story out... Although it's no surprise on why it's hard to write, even if I wasn't fighting writer's block.

I miss the water. I really really do. I have no idea if I still fit into my suit (have I really only worn it twice? Jeez) but I need the sensation of the waves on my skin. The weightlessness and relief it gives, like I could just float away from everything and it would be okay...

Corky once told me that whenever she's incredibly upset, she feels a pain between her shoulder blades and a strong desire to get away. "Maybe I had wings in a past life..." I remember thinking that was so beautiful, and if there are such things as past lives, maybe I was a mermaid or something of the sea and that's why I feel such a need to be near water whenever I'm upset...

It's a comforting and distracting thought.

God, I feel nauseous. At least my hands have stopped shaking.

I can get through this. I think.

 

I have to. This is how it is.

 

God I miss the water.

I think it's happening... I want to throw up.

"I can't accept your invite to go out for 'Girls Night' this Wednesday because I have a curfew" is NOT a conversation I want to have. -_-

I'm behind on basically every site I have an account in or follow online, including this one. I tried to catch up tonight but I've just been God-awfully exhausted. Tiny seems to have begun to show her age, because she's drinking a lot of water and now has to be taken out once in the middle of the night because she can't hold in her pee for a full night anymore.

Now, while I prefer that she wakes me to take her out rather than be startled awake in the middle of the night at the smell of urine -- which had happened twice, the second time being an obscene amount of urine that flowed down beneath my bed from the center of the room [thank god she never peed in my bed] -- waking up in the middle of the night, every night, has some huge disadvantages.

1) It startles me every time she wakes me (like a mini panic attack because my body doesn't immediately know it's her and not someone breaking into my room).

2) It forces me to put on pants before leaving my room just so I can take her out (I don't like to sleep with pants on. During my lady-week I switch from not wearing pants to not wearing shirts. I don't know if it's an age or health thing but suddenly I'm finding that my body temp goes up WAY too much when sleeping fully clothed and sometimes causes me to sweat.)

3) It takes me forever to fall asleep again. (So I'm getting even LESS sleep on top of what I was already losing.)

4) Gives my mind a chance to make me cry myself to sleep a second time in one night.

On the plus side, I don't wake up to the smell of urine that forces me to mop my room at 4 in the morning.

 

I talked to my cousin Joey for a while through Facebook chat the other day. I briefly gave him a hint of how I was doing emotionally (while he asked the basic catch-up questions like "have a job? how's college? seeing anyone?" etc), specifically referring to my home and romantic life.

After some chit-chat where I think he could sense how pathetically lonely I've been, he said he was coming back to Orlando sometime in September [he's in Afghanistan now, in the army] and that he'll be going out with a bunch of his friends to celebrate the break in his service. He invited me along and said I should join.

"Plus, I have a really great guy who's my best friend you might find an interest in ;)"

I made a joke about 'here come the set-ups' but in truth I wanted to cry. I can't even explain why because I don't know.

September.

Maybe I'll be ready for a blind date by then.

Heh heh I suddenly have the urge to laugh and cry at the same time.

God, what the hell is wrong with me?

I was originally going to write about something else and for the life of me I can't remember what it was.

I'm really behind on here. I have to read up and catch up on feedbacks...

 

But I'm just so tired...

 

I painted my nails today. I tried a new color Jaunae lent me. I go back and forth on liking it. Sometimes I think it's kind of cool, and other times I can't help but notice I don't have the skin tone to pull of such a light color.

I miss the beach...

I need to be in water again...

I want to live...

But I don't have the money or means to do anything...

 

I barely even have the company.

 

Thank God for the few times the stars align and allow me to see someone. I got to see Justin on Sunday... I hadn't seen him since MegaCon... He looked great and... I had such a great day thanks to him... It's selfish, but if only I could have held his hand...and have it mean something for him too...

On Monday I got to see Jaunae and Derrick, and Jaunae made an absolutely fantastic meal. I had Derrick pulling desperate acts because I was beating him so bad in the game "Injustice." That made me feel less pathetic for a while. 

 

I can't write. I can't sleep. I have a job I'm probably crap at (have only had two non-training days) and (no offense) don't care about (because the crap hours are probably going to end up costing me rather than helping me financially). 

What the hell am I doing!?

It's past midnight. I should probably try to get some sleep. Tiny will be needing a trip outside in less than four hours. She's sound asleep now.

 

Someday (I hope) I'll be cuddling into someone's loving arms at night and he'll kiss my tears away and I'll fall asleep to his voice saying "I love you..."

Today was another crap day.

I've been having another rough week. My fingers are literally (yes, literally, not figuratively) aching from this ridiculously long writer's block or whatever the hell it is that has kept me from writing anything substantial for so long. I've been trying nearly every night to get something out and all that forms is a series of gibberish that I think doesn't make sense and when I reread it I find that I was right.

Meanwhile things are getting heavier in my mind. I couldn't even write about MegaCon, for crying out loud.

I have a job but have only worked six hours and fifteen minutes since I've been hired. So far, since it's been a dud it hasn't affected my unemployment so if that stays the same I'll at least have some income until I find something better. There was a work meeting that told me I was probably not going to be a good fit there but until I get something else I'll do my best not to piss anyone off.

I'm not beeping wearing mascara for a job, though. I'll dress nice and wear the jewelry I have but for some reason hearing "You have to wear mascara" really pissed me off. It just sounded... wrong to hear that in such a demanding tone. If I don't want to wear make-up you have no grounds to have a problem with it. I'm just saying. It's my face.

Maybe it's just all the screaming in my head that got so pissy over that.

And just to clarify, by "screaming" I don't mean the voices, I just mean the culminated frustration of all my thoughts.

I won the appeal for unemployment, by the way, I can't remember if I mentioned that before. I won because BJ's failed to fairly and consistently enforce their policies and they failed to provide any proof that I was screwing up -- let alone deserved termination. But bleeping joy part of the general application for the school district (I had to fill out a "general" one and then I'll fill out a substitute one when there's a vacancy) involved me specifying why I didn't work at my previous employer anymore and so I had to say I was terminated and so now I have to -- by their instructions -- write a letter to them explaining the whole thing. I'm just so dang tired of explaining the situation. Serves me right for ever taking a job at that place. And I had such high hopes for it at the time of hire, too...

Anyway, I just hope the letter is enough because if I have to have any more contact with BJ's I'm just going to take them off my resume (from the "employment history" section, they're not a reference) completely, because by now they surely hate me over there and I don't need them screwing up anything else in my life.

I wish...

I wish I felt cared for.

I've been struggling with feeling any worth lately. 

It's just loneliness I guess...

Still.

And it's not just about Justin.

I have days here and there where I'll be strong and confident and all "I deserve better than someone who lied" or "It's his loss, I'll find someone who really loves me" or other crap like that. But for every (one) day that I have those "you go, girl" thoughts, I have about 15 where I just want to crawl into a hole and close my eyes.

My room is slowly disappearing around me as I pack this week. I really do have a lot of crap.

But...

I put some things in my green box... the same box I once buried the ring in so I wouldn't have to see it anymore...
Some things that were so hard to "lock" away but I wanted them to be safe in the move and I thought... I thought maybe it was past time they weren't in my line of sight anymore...

Realistically not everything fit in there, so just the things that made me cry the most...

The name-card from his uncle's wedding...

The poems...

Some wrapping paper from my favorite gifts...

Birthday cards...

I cried as I locked them away. The box itself doesn't even lock, so it was mostly the reality check... and the fact that I'm not entirely sure they're ever getting unpacked again...

Realistically Little N and the book should be in there too, but I don't think I'll ever be able to lock him away. I'm not sure if it stemmed from my incredible imagination as a child, but stuffed animals have always linked me to memories more vividly than anything else.

And Little N is home to some of the more incredible ones...

I packed Minnie into the same box as my mangas since she was hanging from the shelves... She'll probably go into the green box, too, after the move... She's home to a vivid memory as well, but that one just makes my stomach turn with agony because she symbolizes a broken kiss.

Yeah... she'll probably go into the box too...

I just want to write.

I miss it so much and I'm tired of feeling like such a failure for having done nothing since I've graduated.

I wonder how long I'll be stuck living at home.

Saving up money sure as hell isn't going to get easier.

Yancy got himself on the waiting list of the apartment complex where the other Adrians live. It's a complex exclusively reserved for people who are artistic. Soon as one becomes available they'll contact him and, after an "interview" with the board, should he prove himself artistic (which the other Adrians will obviously vouch for since they're all still working on Dusk) he'll get the place. There's no telling how long it'll take for a place to become available so that call can happen, but once it does, he's in.

I miss my passion.

I need all this shtuff out of my head.

I want my fire again.

It was one of the few things I had to offer.

I have to pack more. Since everything required cleaning (dusting), all the packing I've done has only resulted in five boxes. 

I'll be leaving some of my old stuffed animals (as in referring only to the ones from my childhood, not any acquired recently or during relationships). Just some. I'm still keeping the rest not only for sentimental value but because should I ever do become a mother and the child happen to be a girl, I'd like to pass them on to her.

I don't think I'd be a good mom though.

God, I'm just having a really rough day.

I wonder how Tiny will take the move. She seemed to like this house almost right away but when we moved to the one in Viehman for example she quite visibly hated it and took sooo long to be herself again.

The last time Justin picked me up to hang out she stayed close and let him scratch behind her ears for quite a while... I think she missed him... I remember when Charles and I started dating the second time it took a long while for her to stop growling at him and allow him to touch her. I remember joking to myself at night that she was following the girl code, but maybe I should have paid more attention. Looking back at it now she could have been warning me/correctly judging the situation.

With Justin she does the normal growling thing that she does with everyone (where she growls but lets you touch her and sometimes asks for more petting -- which makes me think maybe she thinks dogs can purr?) but hasn't shown any signs of animosity in the few times she's seen him.

God I am giving this way too much thought.

It's midnight.

How long have I been typing in here?

My fingers are still aching, but my blogspot "new entry" window remains empty...

I really want to write something.

Anything.

Anything that makes sense.

I'm just scared.

I've been trying to knock it off. Really.

I mean I know I hadn't packed up anything until now but it wasn't like I was looking at them or holding them all the time. They were just there.

But really I've been trying.

But I haven't been able to stop yet.

Even on the "you go, girl" days the best I can muster up is an "I'll get over it," but it has yet to actually happen.

I started thinking about his Nana a lot all of a sudden and ended up thinking about her for days straight... So I asked him if it would be alright if I sent her a small birthday gift.

I know. I'm the queen of unheard of situations. But... I believe it means something when someone suddenly pops into your mind and you can't stop thinking about them -- and often. And I couldn't get her out of my mind for about a whole week...

So I sent her a necklace and a letter...

In it I explained why I was doing this totally random and unheard of act, how I felt, and all my wishes for her...

Yesterday I got a 'thank you' card from her with a long message written inside that quite easily left me in tears.

She's a sweetheart.

God, this whole thing sucks.

But it seems I was right, because in that letter she explained how my letter and gift had arrived with incredible timing.

I'm not as spiritual as I once was; I don't go to church, I can't remember the last time I read my bible, and I hardly pray...

But there are still things I hold fast to, things that I believe with my whole heart.

And I believe it means something when I can't stop thinking about someone. And that belief hasn't been proved wrong yet.

So it's moments like this that make me feel that I still have a connection with God.

But it's also moments like this that make me wonder how I could be so wrong in hearing a message...

But that doesn't matter.

I just hope Justin's Nana and Pop Pop are well, and that whatever the troubles that may come their way pass quickly.

My eyes are burning.

I've had this killer headache all day...

I didn't have a great night but it wasn't as bad as others so I'm not sure why my head's been hurting so much...

I want to paint something.

Or maybe I just want to touch some paint...

God, this isn't making sense anymore. Maybe I should just try to sleep...

I just want to hear something nice... Something to quiet the thought that I'm not worth as much as I thought.

This is just sad.

I should just go to sleep. Who knows how long this has gotten.

Here's hoping I sleep tonight.

 

En paz me acostaré
y asimismo me dormiré;
Porque solo tú, Jehova,
me haces vivir confiado.

**When I was a child, sometimes, instead of a lullaby, my mother and I would recite Psalm 4:8 (in spanish, of course). I had to look up where the accents went, but other than that I still remember the words and verse number to this day.