***EDIT: 11:36 PM = My bad. It's the fifteenth of JULY. JULY. So it's a MONTH and eight days, which does give more hope of earning enough money. Anyway, sorry. JULY 15. JULY. 

So I found out something legitimately depressing today. Kathy brought to my attention that Xanga is in quite the financial pickle at the moment and if they can't earn $60K by the fifteenth of THIS month then they will no longer be able to afford the running and maintenance of this site and will shut down. Yeah. The ONE place I found to serve as a home for my thoughts, fears, anger, emotions, and otherwise life rants might be gone in 8 days and I had no idea. God, if this place shuts down where the hell else am I going to move on to to unload all my crazy? This has been my home since, what was it, 2003 or 2004? THAT'S TEN YEARS. THIS HAS BEEN MY EMOTIONAL HOME FOR TEN YEARS. I can't keep a written journal because 1) lack of security from the home life and 2) I think waaaaay too fast and write waaaaay too slow and sloppy. Typing is better. I've built a nest here, I don't want to lose it. Furthermore, there's the reality that if the site shuts down ALL of my posts that I've written since the beginning will be gone. THAT'S OVER 1300 POSTS. What the hell am I gonna do without the means to vent and the vented-out emotions to go back to so I can remind myself of what to do/not do?!

Then there's the possibility that they DO earn the $60K. Well, if they do -- and this would only work if they do BEFORE the fifteenth otherwise it's still a shut down -- then they'll relaunch the site with some new features by having it powered by WordPress. Now, I have a WordPress account but I've only written like, pfft, 3? 4? posts in there total? I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE LINK SAVED UNDER "MY SITES" IS HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I'VE USED IT. And I never got into it because the feel of the site and controls just weren't for me (no offense). Xanga was much simpler and just very receptive of my moods and mindsets. But that's not what worries me. What worries me is that if Xanga IS saved, it will no longer be the free blogging site as it is now. Having an account will be free, so you can still read and subscribe to other accounts for free, but if you want to WRITE your own weblog posts you'll have to pay a membership fee of either $4 a month or $48 a year. Now while $4 a month sounds cheap, it is STILL nearly fifty bucks a year and that adds up. As it stands I probably can't afford that now! So I'm left with the choice of either leaving my mental home and all it's kept for me or PAYING money I don't have to have my emotional releases.

Dammit.

Xanga posted a link to their donation page where they explain everything about the situation and the reasons behind their forced choices; and in that post they have included a link of how to (for free) archive YOUR ENTIRE PAGE and all of its contents -- weblog, pulses, photos, audio, vidio -- and combine them into five links that you can then download ALLLL the data to your computer. So, while all the visual (i.e. layouts) is gone, you can at least save all your posts.

That was a huge saving grace to find because I did NOT want to lose my posts but found it hard to believe I'd be able to save 1300+ of them manually in less than 8 days. I already backed it up tonight but I've made a reminder in my phone to back it up one last time on the 14th (to be safe) just in case the site shuts down. They say if it does then the 15th will be the last day the site will be running (making me believe they wouldn't shut down till midnight their time).

Anyway, I felt the dire need to warn all of you just in case there was anything any of you would have liked to have saved from your own sites. I realize that as far as my group of friends go, I'm the only one who really developed such a link to the site (measured by how often and how much I share into it), but that isn't to say that there might not be a sense of loss to any of you, too.

*Sigh* I don't know what I'll do without this place (emotionally). It's been my home, my journal, my sanity for a full decade... I still have my LiveJournal and WordPress accounts but writing in those never felt as welcoming as it did here -- plus I don't know a single soul who still uses either of those sites. :/ I suppose I could make another BlogSpot for personal use and keep Simply-Zerah for my writing... I AM used to the handle of that site but... I get tired of the layouts there so much faster than I do here. I've always liked the look and feel options better here... ESPECIALLY this one. Damn this is a good one, it's gonna suck to lose it... It was the perfect combination of written and typed aesthetics :( And I enjoy the different profile pics per entry option as well...

I really, truly hope this place doesn't shut down... They've only raised just under $24,500 so the hope might be dwindling. I mean, it's an impressive number, but the odds of it getting another $40K in eight days aren't that strong... If it is saved I may just pay the monthly to stay. I can't imagine not having this place to write in... But fifty bucks... I'll have to see...

My dear Xanga... I truly hope this isn't the end for us. Ten years is too long to say goodbye now.

I wonder how much longer I'll have "Snoochie" to claim as my name... 

Ten years...

Dammit...

Watching Silver Linings Playbook is so cathardic. I feel like I get all my crazy and misery out as I watch it. It's freeing.

I thought I was through the worst of it... but I guess it's more of a day-by-day thing...

Today is starting to get really difficult.. and I'm starting to feel that all-too-familiar pressure at the back of my eyes...

I wish I could stop thinking. Everything she'll have...

This really hurts...

I just want to stop thinking.

Okay, so I think I can trust myself to write about this now that I've settled into it. Last week was a bit of a nightmare week for me. It started with the weekend. It was nothing new and that was precisely the point. I was stuck at home while people went out doing their errands (leaving me with no car) and when they all DID come back I was STILL alone because no one wanted to watch anything or play anything, they just kept going about their business on their respective computers and (in Mom's case) just doing general kitchen stuff with Mama Bibi. So when the house was finally full I still felt alone. Then Sunday everyone was home and in the living room (or close by) but completely ignored me to the point where I was repeating myself 2-3 times before they'd hear what I said. Then came Monday. I had been having a crappy day because the weekend had put me in such a low mood that I was legitimately fighting tears in the middle of the living room and no one was noticing (and that's including lots of sniffling, mind you). 

Finally, Ma tells me she wants to do something and eventually decides on a game. I set it up and we take a few turns, but then she inevitably gets a call as she always does, so while she's on the phone I pause the game and go online. I check facebook and the second story in my feed just shot my heart to hell.

It was a relationship status change. Justin was officially (the date was a month back but the status change hadn't happened until then) dating someone. It didn't help me that the story included her photo so I saw her and so couldn't help but picture her clearly in the freak outs that followed.

I knew it was going to happen, I knew it was only a matter of time, hell, I had mentioned I was dreading this day ever since we broke up. I'm not stupid, I knew he was going to move on sooner or later and if it wasn't this girl it would've been another. I'm a little surprised (and selfishly relieved) it didn't happen sooner since, being the person who was romantically detached from the relationship first, he had already had his closure/moving on mindset in place. So, yes, I was fully aware he was going to find someone else.

I just honestly hoped I'd be better prepared for it. 

What good is a love song
A love song without the love?

It may-- scratch that, it will seem stupid to a lot of you that it affected me so much but for two days I literally shut down and just sobbed in my room. Came close to having a panic attack twice. I'm not proud of it (my reaction), but that was my reality. Because my mind was swirling with memories of what I had, memories of what I lost, and images of what she will now have (images that were far too clear since I knew what she looked like). 

Everyone keeps saying "It has been two years..." Well, it's felt like a hell of a lot longer. So I don't need any of you to tell me how long it's been. 

The family finally noticed something was up when I didn't leave my room. Late Tuesday night I finally felt strong enough to walk around and eat (kind of lost my appetite) and Yancy took the opportunity to watch a random anime movie with me -- the first one he found on Netflix that spiked interest. I was numb, but the film was completely bizarre and so it was the best distraction (no, really, it was really weird). Afterward I let him know what was going on in a sentence and for once in his life he didn't lecture or give advice or give any I-know-best speeches. He just said, "I figured as much. I get it. It's hard to be friends with exes."

I got better after that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about the situation, but it's a reality. He's still one of my closest friends and still someone dear to my heart even on non-romantic terms. And the reality is that more than any wish I've had, I want him to be happy. Sure, it would've been perfect if it could have been with me, but it wasn't. So if it's not her, if it's the next girl or one five years from now, etc. I only hope she treats him well and gives him all the happiness I failed to give. Because past actions or not, that's what he deserves. And as his friend I recognize that.

Still, I'd be lying if I didn't say it hurts like you wouldn't believe... 

But if he's happy, then I can live with that.

Wednesday or Thursday I went out job hunting only to have crap luck. Everywhere I went told me the same thing, that it was all online (or that they weren't hiring at all). But since going online wasn't counting as me trying to the folks (when Yancy got that new job I got a lot of crap for not trying as hard *exasperated sigh*) I had to show them that I just wasn't getting hired by people. Only two places allowed me to apply: The tax collector place where I renewed my license with the new address, and a store called "Beya" at the LOOP. No word from either yet but they both told me it could take up to 3 weeks to hear anything.

Being aware that I was having a rough (to say the least) time of it that week, Jaunae and Derrick decided to do something for me to help me get away from it all. Thursday night they invited me to sleep over their place from Saturday to Sunday. On Friday they told me there'll be a special item I'll have to pack but that they weren't telling me what it was until Saturday when they got out of work.

Turned out it was my new bathing suit I had bought not too long ago (since I'm positive I don't fit in the other one since I weighed ~125 when I bought it and now I weigh ~150 [huh, I haven't actually checked on that, I wonder if that number's changed at all]). So I'm thinking community pool, but it turns out it's a surprise mini-road trip to Daytona Beach where they surprised me with a hotel stay! The hotel was RIGHT NEXT to the beach, too, and so when we got a free upgrade from the hotel staff, we got an ocean-view room with a balcony and full kitchen!! ^______________^

I won't lie, there were moments where I was painfully aware of the fact that I was single, but overall the weekend was just what I needed. To get away, be out of the house and away from the family, offline, near the water, and at peace...

Especially the water. Oh God the moment I took that first step into the ocean I felt something surge into me that I couldn't explain. It's like this cool energy just seeped into my skin and bones and recharged me back to life. I felt like myself again in that water, and it made me remember the thought I had about the idea of past lives and that maybe I was some kind of mermaid because the same sensation of "I'm home" that I feel when in a lover's arms I  otherwise only feel in the water.

And the fact that the sand and water do magic for your skin and complexion only makes it all better. I used to have incredibly soft skin that I was proud of and was very well-liked by the men I dated, but a few years ago, I don't know if it was stress or diet or what, but my arms started getting really bad where they were rough and covered in tiny scabs. I've picked at them and I've left them alone but nothing was making them smooth again. After just the first trip to the beach my arms had returned to their incredibly soft state that I've been missing. Sure, I wished there was someone who would enjoy it with me physically, but it didn't stop me from relishing the fact that my skin was back to it's glory again and I found myself feeling incredibly attractive.

I wish we never had to leave and could've just lived there. xD I miss the water so much already.

So now I'm back home and already fighting the general misery of being angered by my parents, being stuck at home (no car), dealing with Yancy's refusal to clean up after himself or do anything considerate (seriously, why the hell do I have to fight with a nearly 30 year old man about refilling the toilet paper holder when he uses the last of it!?), and general loneliness and stress and anxiety. As far as Justin seeing someone I haven't reacted anywhere near that badly since then, so now it's just another ache in my chest that I'll learn to adapt to. I still want him to be happy and while the ending of our relationship was questionable, it doesn't change the fact that the rest of our relationship was pure and real. And I'm grateful for having had a love so beautiful as that.

Now I just really want to get out of the house and back into some water.

I hope I find something soon. Having left Lane Bryant my unemployment cash has been delayed while they confirm that I left because they don't really have hours for me (or their long-established employees for that matter), but since it's STILL yet to be issued I'm getting scared that I'll be denied. I have to get out of this house. I can't do that without (at the very least) a car.

Sigh. God I miss that ocean.

The sand and water have worked their magic on me; my skin hasn't felt this smooth or soft in years. I feel much more physically attractive now than I did before. My hair might look like a jacked-up mess when wet, but it's all worth it to feel "improved" and rejuvenated afterward. This is how my skin used to always be...

I'm not going to lie:

I wish I had someone to appreciate and enjoy it with me.

And yet when the lights go out... The tough act falls. I'm tired.

I'm having a "You Go, Girl" half-a-day, and it makes me want to say: "I want a man who'll make me love holidays again."

(Too long for pulse). "All Too Well" by Taylor Swift has always hit me way too close to home and made me cry every time I hear it, but I just came across a recording of it done in an empty arena (most likely during rehearsal/sound check) and it was so haunting I couldn't breathe.

I have a dire need to type in here but I don't trust myself to just yet. So I'll only make mark of something I'm grateful for:

Last night Yancy looked up a random anime movie on Netflix that neither of us has ever heard of and watched it with me. For ONCE there was no speeches, no judgement, no I-told-you-so or I-know-better advice,

just companionship and a way out of my head.

And I really, really needed that.

"Worst weekend ever" is a fucking understatement.