It's twisting my heart like a sharp cut of a blade...

But I have to try. I have to get this under control...

Because the alternative would only be even more unbearable.

I'll get it...

 

It just hurts...

 

It hurts so much to watch...

The week's been going by better since Sunday... No one knows about the knife and I haven't had a moment like that again, but it seems something on my face gave away what was inside and they finally noticed. They've been making more of an effort to have some interactive time with me...

My bookcase is still unmade... It requires power tools I don't know how to properly use so I have to wait until Dad can make time... He has a lot to do these days and always comes home exhausted. I worry...

We have a new stove... Oven doesn't work. Great.

Mom's birthday went well. No fights, she loved her gift (breakfast at Denny's and take-home baked potato soup for dinner), and we even watched some Disney movies (WALL-E and The Emperor's New Groove).

I'm trying out a new nail polish color. "Mystic Green." I like it. I hope it's not too bright for my skin, but I really like it.

 

I'm going to bed cross, though.

Because I can't count the amount of times I got chewed off for having boyfriends over "too late" especially when I "already spent all day with him," yet Merlin is sleeping over tonight for the FIFTH time (not consecutively, but still) after being here since ELEVEN A.M.

The folks aren't happy about it but that doesn't stop them from saying "ok" anyway. Meanwhile I wouldn't get any peace about it for two weeks.

Unbelievable.

Their rules have screwed with my head through both of my relationships yet I STILL tried to be the "proper Puerto Rican daughter" for them if only so they wouldn't give me a harder time.

And for what?

So I can screw up my relationships while Yancy simply has his sleep over whenever?

Screw this.

 

 

Sunday really scared me. 

I guess I should be grateful for the anger distraction.

This morning I got up to Mom and Dad leaving for church. I barely got in a 'good morning' before they were gone. I fed Tiny. Gave her her shot. Spent hours alone at my computer.

Mom and Dad get home. Dad tells me he heard I never responded to Yancy's text and does that mean I didn't want to see the movie. I tell him I never got a text from Yancy. "Oh, because he was going to see a movie and said he texted you to see if you wanted him to pick you up but you never replied..." I repeat I never got a text.

Hours alone at my computer.

Yancy comes home and I tell him about not receiving anything. "Really? *checks his phone* Oh crap, it failed to send. Sorry. *shrugs* Oh well, next time."

He was in line for the ticket booth when he texted. If he needed an answer that quickly why didn't he just call? He saw the movie alone. "Bendito," Dad says, "After being here alone all morning bored..."

Hours alone at my computer.

"Does anyone want to play anything?" I ask.

No.

Hours alone at my computer.

Headache.

Tio comes over. I go to my room so it doesn't get worse.

I'm lonely. I'm crying. I fall asleep.

I wake up hours later to the alarm I set to feed Tiny. The house is empty. I text Dad to see where everyone is. They left to walk together at a park. No one bothered to wake me to see if I wanted to go -- not even Dad who had already acknowledged that he knew I was alone all day. They just left my door open in case Tiny wanted to join me.

I feed Tiny. I give her her shot.

I walk outside but couldn't see/find the moon.

I walk around the empty house. 

I walk to the kitchen.

I grabbed a knife. 

The same one I reached for years ago during the Dark Years.

I don't know what I was going to do.

I hear the garage, they were back.

I put the knife back and go to my room.

I cry into my pillow.

I'm always alone.

Justin texts me. "Go outside, [the moon is] really pretty"

I still can't see it.

That moment where you randomly come across an old post of yours that you wrote years ago, about a memory you actually still hold dear but were now able to relive it with absolute clarity...

And you burst into tears because it was part of the happiest times of your life...

And your current life is so far from it...

You can't bear it.

I could have dropped my phone into a well last week and had it be lost to me all weekend and it literally wouldn't have mattered at all.

I wasn't reached out to by another soul until around ten or ten thirty tonight (Monday) when Derrick took a turn on Hanging and Words.

Could've been unconscious all weekend and it'd be no matter. (I wasn't).

I don't mean to be melodramatic. I've just been thinking a lot today...

About how the main reason (other than not being financially ready) I haven't moved out is because I'm terrified I'd still be lonely. I told Jaunae I worry that my clingy-ness would get on their nerves and she said that I shouldn't worry. That she thinks that since I don't get much human interaction at all at home that that is why I'm so clingy with friends. But that's not it. Or that's not all of it. I don't think she knows or understands just what is happening in me. And I can't explain it, myself. All I know is, if I get money, move out on my own, and am lonely, I can say it's because I have no roommates. It's because I AM alone in the apartment. That I'm just homesick or nervous or anxious or scared because it's a big world and I finally left the nest.

But if I move out... and have roommates... and the roommates are my best friends... and I still feel alone?... What can I blame it on then?... And that loneliness would be worse... It's one thing with family, it's not new, and it's another thing with my own place, where there's no one else... But to be in a place with people who have become my soul siblings... If I still feel alone then...

Without even Tiny to help me?...

I don't think I would handle that well.

 

Another thing I thought about was Tiny. She needs me. I feed her. I give her her shots. I pay for her visits (with no job mind you). I watch her water intake. I share my bed and room with her at night. I sit with her when she's terrified of the thunder storms. I monitor how many treats she gets a day, and make sure none have any sugar. I clean up after her whenever she has an "accident" or gets sick. I rub her throat when she gets hairballs (or whatever that is). I clean her eye when it gets dirty. I check and clean her butt every time she poos. 
And she comes to me, uncalled, when she knows I need company. She licks my face and hands when I'm sobbing into my pillow. She snuggles into my leg or chest when I go more than two nights without sleep. And she sits still for me, only me, when it's time for her shots and she kisses me after.

We need each other. We're there for each other. And if I move out, I'm not convinced the others will step up and be there for her. Yancy walks her, sure. But he doesn't sit with her. And he can't stand to share a room with her at night. Mom takes naps with her, but always ends up on the couch with no sleep when it's time to sleep an entire night with her. And Dad won't shut up about the collar and her breathing, as if it's impossible to tolerate those sounds (and he ugly-snores so it really ticks me off).

I don't want to leave her.

And I know that I need her.

She's all I have left.

 

Another thought plaguing my mind today was Xanga. It's likely not to be saved, and I don't think anywhere else is going to work for me. So if it's not saved... I think that'll be it. No more safe haven or confessional to get all the bad out. I'll just...manage.

And if it is saved... Maybe I should stop anyway.

I've kept secrets before. I've long preferred to be open since my emotions are all over my face anyway, but maybe I should just lock them away. Like I did before seventh grade when I first came to this place...

Maybe I should just lock it away.

I could be my old self. The "me" that never confided too much so she never had things publicly blow in her face. The "me" that was by all appearances totally okay with the fact that all the guys only spoke to her to get advice about her friends. The "me" that lied to herself so well and said she never liked anyone so that it didn't matter when they revealed their hearts for another. The "me" that wasn't a girl. Just Janira. The one that didn't really count because "Dude, are you nuts? She's like a sister." 

The "me" who learned a harsh lesson about opening her mouth. That it's just better to not tell.

They say 'a woman has to have her secrets'... Secrets nearly killed me once but maybe now that I'm older...

Maybe come July 15th... Maybe that'll be it, no matter the status of the site...

It'll be hard... I'd be losing my one constant. My one foothold where I could regather my bearings.

Or maybe it won't be hard at all...

Maybe I can just make doors of all these broken pieces and lock them all.

Acting might get easier.

Doing the right thing might not turn my chest anymore.

Hell. Maybe I'll even be able to give sound advice again.

Maybe I'll even return to that cozy state of denial where I was sure everything was fine.

Who needs a constant anyway...

 

I also thought about a lot of different scenarios. Some where I would say the right thing, others where I would say the wrong/selfish thing.

I was happy during the wrong, and lying in the right.

And the more I thought about it,

the more I saw myself doing the right and lying.

If I stop writing maybe I'll get more practice at being convincing. Then I could do the right and no one would know.

No one would doubt.

 

I had a lot of pain today. I couldn't move my legs. Turns out I'm out of my painkillers, took the last two this morning. So I tried using the leftover drugs from when my foot was messed up for the pain. It's not anything serious, it's just large-sized ibuprofens. Worked for a little while, but couldn't move much off the couch.
I still fed Tiny and gave her her shot. No one else would have, even though both Dad and Yancy were home. No one else would have remembered. I had asked Yancy to feed her this morning, because I was exhausted from almost no sleep and when I got up to do it I found him lounging on the couch, wide awake, playing on his phone. He takes forever to get up to do it (so much so that I was already halfway through doing it myself) and when he finally does he has so many questions about what to do and how to do it that I had to walk him through it -- so I might as well have done it myself.

Other than the one weekend when I was at the beach, no one else has feed her and given her her shots other than me.

I'm just so grateful she doesn't hate me.

I can't lose her.

I don't have much here as it is.

 

I couldn't even spend father's day with Dad. His brother and sister-in-law came over and spent the entire day here screaming (talking) at each other. I actually established that I had a migraine (and I wasn't lying), they yelled that they wished me well (while I stood two feet from them looking like I'm about to pass out from the pain), and then they continued to scream at each other. So I tried tylenol. I tried a long hot shower. I tried closing my door and sleeping. But until two afters after they finally left, I felt no relief.

And I get that since we live so much closer to them now that they want to see Dad more. I get it. And it's great.

But shouldn't have a father spent Father's Day with the people who MADE HIM a FATHER? It's not Brother's Day.

And other than a "good morning" and "feel better" and "goodnight," I didn't see my dad all day.

Instead I spent it alone.

With a migraine.

 

Speaking of alone, I also thought a lot about the breakup. And I finally know my wrongs. No, he didn't tell me, I don't think he ever will; but I thought about everything I could remember.

And I see my wrongs.

I wasn't horrible, but I wasn't what I should have been.

We still could have made it, had he felt something. Had we been given a chance.

So I still don't understand everything. But I see my wrongs.

 

I should sleep. Staying up will make the pain worse, especially when the drug wears off.

Plus I have to wake up in seven hours to feed Tiny.

 

My dearest Xanga... Maybe this date should be goodbye... I'd probably get myself in less trouble that way...

 

I'm just so very tired of being like this.

Of feeling alone.

Of being absolutely miserable.

Of being disappointed.

Of being broken.

Of being forgotten.

 

Of being dismissible.

 

I don't deserve a life like this.

 

My right eye won't stop twitching. No doubt it's from crying all last week. A few days ago I realized something else. Doesn't change anything, but left me...  

 

I still cried about his mom sometimes. I never even met her, but she sent me two cards and a gift during our relationship. But we talked about her a lot... I still remember the first time he ever spoke to me about her, and the things he confided... And I remember the last time we spoke about her... 

His dad once showed me home videos. I believe she's finally at peace. Finally herself.

The way she was in the videos...

Before everything just spun away...

 

When he told me, I called. Texting didn't feel right. I needed to know he was ok, that he wasn't alone, and if he was alone he should have/would need immediate company, not some words on a screen every few minutes.

But I hadn't known or realized he was still over there. 

So my calling probably looked bad.

And afterward I just felt stupid.

I didn't mean to overstep.

I forgot that, even as just friends, it wouldn't be my words he'd need to hear.

 

Maybe once the doors are built and locked I won't make mistakes anymore.

Because back when I had my secrets and was only good for advice --

I didn't blunder.

 

I wasn't happy.

 

But I didn't blunder.

Today has been much, much easier. Slept all night for once, Tiny is back to being herself and eating regularly, errands have kept me busy, and Game of Thrones has kept me company and lent perspective. [The characters in that book have real problems.]

Now I'm back to wondering what Xanga's fate will be. The donations have reached just over $25K now, so the possibility of this site being lost is very real... *sigh* Not sure what I'll do yet if I can't vent on here... It helped to get all my ache out yesterday (or was it Tuesday? I don't remember). This place is my only means to get all the bad out of my body so I don't keep holding it in, since I can't exactly go to Yancy and them for comfort. *Sigh* We'll see what happens I guess...

I really want to hit the water again, but now I can't since the clock is ticking. [I'm late.] Which also explains why the start of this week was so frikkin hard. Damn hormones.

That was probably TMI, my apologies.

I'm in a weird mood now. I can't quite label it. It's not "numb" because I'm definitely feeling something but I don't know if it's good or bad...

*Shakes head* I'll just go back to reading. I just realized I haven't read volume ten of Sailor Moon yet, so I'll have to reread at least the last chapter of volume 9 sometime this week before I do. Otherwise I won't remember crap.

But first, back to Eyre and the sky cells. [It's a wicked "dungeon" on the side of a mountain that has three walls, the "fourth" being completely open to the sky and side of the mountain -- and the floor is slightly slanted. Yeah. Don't piss off the people of the Eyre.]

 

I wanna role play again. I should get to rereading the B4K4 Boards soon so I'd have a handle on Keitan again (and the other ~9 characters I created).

 

Embarrassed!

That's what I'm feeling.

I'm not proud of these weak moments. And I'm trying. Really.

I'll get it.

I'm doing a little better... Ate some breakfast, caught up on my Monday shows, and taking care of Tiny who's been sick all day. (No throw-up, just sick).

Not the best distractions, but... it helps...

 

Breathe...

Just breathe...

I feel sick. I feel so sick. My entire body can't... I feel sick.

Thinking it was something I "should know" about her, Justin explained she lives in Texas and that he'll only see her "maybe a few times a year." Maybe he said it as a way of assuring me that I'd never run into them on one of their dates or something. But that just made things worse. I would rather she were a neighbor than that...

Because to meet someone online or through a game or however they met, and to like them enough to talk every night and then to like them enough to want them to be yours and then to want them enough that you're willing enough to try long distance and spend a lot of money on trips to visit -- knowing it can't even be more than "a few times a year" -- that you ask them to be your girlfriend...

It means he truly and deeply cares for her...

Because he's flying halfway across the country... Just to see her...

And I'm right here...

And have nothing... Get nothing...

I asked if he was going to see her for his birthday, because I had assumed he would... But I thought I would just get a general or vague "yes" or "no" type of answer... I don't know what possessed him or if it was just a slip up, but not only did he say he was seeing her soon (which I was prepared for) but he went on to say that the trip was going to "break [his] bank" because "the plane ticket alone cost..."

He actually told me the price.

He told me the amount of money he was willing to spend to fly out and see her.

I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.

I WASN'T PREPARED TO KNOW THAT.

And God I just feel so sick... Because my heart can't stop breaking and I can't stop crying, all day yesterday and so far all this morning--

I can't...

When Charles and I dated the first time, his friends were so blown away at the fact that we were willing to do long distance. I specifically remember Levi asking me how we did it, because he didn't think it could be done.

He lived in St. Cloud.

That's it.

That was the big distance. A couple zip codes.

And here she and Justin are paying no mind to how many states lie between them.

He simply "breaks [his] bank" to see her. It's that simple.

It's the kind of thing that made him an amazing boyfriend. That he is this kind of person.

But dammit...

I really wish... I really wish he hadn't told me the number...

It was bad enough finding out she lived out there because I knew all that it meant... How strongly he must feel for her... How because they see each other so rarely that they're going to make the most of every second they're physically together...

But dammit I really didn't want to know specifics...

I feel sick...

My whole body...

My soul keeps screaming this isn't right... My heart...

This hurts...

It just... It really hurts....

Right now I would rather she were a neighbor.

"And you worked so hard to get me just to let me go. /...What good is a love song, what good is a love song without the love?"