It seems Xanga has enabled customization of their layouts. I got my header style back (gave the place a new title, too) and was able to fix the font size that somehow shrunk in the shuffle. The theme still doesn't look like it used to, but much closer now.
Things got worse for Tiny... The fact that she got diabetes so severely and so suddenly caused her to have an accelerated case of cataracs.... She's already having trouble seeing, as it has gotten wide already, and we were told there was nothing we could do... That she'd be completely blind...
I keep praying that God will spare her another strife and give her back her eyesight, but I find myself adding to every praying for him to only do it if it won't cost her anything else. If it has to be her sight or something worse, then leave her sight as is. I'm scared asking for her sight might bring about something even worse and so I keep emphasizing to not grant it to her if it comes at a cost for something worse....
Because we can try to keep her happy and I've been reading online about training her on voice commands so that she could go on walks safely, but if anything worse happens I don't know if we'll be able to help her through it...
It was a huge reality check about her age and mortality, though... One that I'd been childishly ignorant of until now... I had just always believed she'd be with me... I'd move out and she'd be there alongside... That I wouldn't see her pass in my lifetime...
Oh, some of you may have raised eyebrows about that, seeing as how a human's lifespan is longer than a dog's. I said that and believed that because ever since I was a kid I just never saw myself living for that long. When I was in middle school I genuinely believed I would never see High School because surely the Rapture would happen by then or I'd be hit by a car or something. (Ironically, I was half-right about the car. I was in middle school when my family got the brunt of a head-on collision that involved three other cars [not including the drunk driver]).
Then in High School I didn't think I'd make it all the way through college because I'd be attacked or killed somehow.
And now I can't even see myself making it to my late thirties because I have another suspicion of getting hit by a car.
So because I've always believed I'd die young, I always believed Tiny would be there and I would never see her go...
Now I have to face the reality that I may very well see her pass... God... I don't know how on Earth I'll get through that... She's been my only solid ground for years... My one constant...
I can't even think about that now...
As for myself, don't ask why I keep thinking I'm going to die. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I don't know why or how I started thinking that I'd never make it to old age, or even why I still don't believe it...
But it's still this fear of mine. I still feel like I'm going to die... I can't explain why...
I just pray that that instinct isn't as accurate as the ones I've had in relationships. Because every time I've had a bad feeling in my stomach during a relationship, within weeks there was either bad news (such as infidelity) or I was dumped. Every time.
The only bit of good news we've had all year is that I finally got a job. At a library no less. I've always wanted to work in a library, and I gotta say, even the "tedious" or "boring" tasks that aren't anyone's favorite on the staff, I still love. I love being in that building and being surrounded by books all day. The only thing I've disliked so far is working the Children's Department. Because, being a place dedicated for kids, all the shelves are kid-friendly....as in SUPER low to the ground. So when I have to re-shelf books, I'm stuck between having to kneel or crouch every other minute or waddling around on my knees (and STILL having to bend my spine). It gets to be very painful, especially when a crowd moves through and you're left with 20+ books to put away because parents don't do crap about their children's craziness.
But other than that, I love everything about the job, and I'm just happy to be there. I'd been job searching library jobs for years and NOTHING. So I was so grateful that I was given a chance for this one (especially since I have no formal library experience).
I'm getting better too. Still have a bad day every once in a while, but I'm getting stronger about it (thus the new title). I think I've finally entered the "I'm just frikkin' tired of this crap" phase. That, and I have more important things to worry about. Like not screwing up at work, and training Tiny to use her ears and nose to get around. And to desperately try to keep her depression at bay.
Compared to that, guys that don't give reasons for why they hurt you doesn't seem as important.
I will say I miss our friendship though. He was one of my best and closest friends, and still is in my heart, but I haven't seen him in months and most of the time I don't even get replies to my text messages (and I've been avoiding texting unless I legitimately had something to say/share/ask, or three+ days had passed without a friendly hello).
And that hurts. He once said he still wanted to be a part of my life and hoped I'd be a part of his (as friends) but all of this makes me wonder if he no longer feels that way. I mean I figured we wouldn't be hanging out watching old movies anymore once he started dating, and I respect that since I'd be uncomfortable with my boyfriend hanging out alone with some other chick let alone an ex (still hate that word), so that part I knew was going to go, but not even speaking (barely)? Really?
You'd think he would have found something worth holding on to, especially since we confided so much in each other, but actions speak louder than words...
For anyone who's curious, my work schedule for the entire month of November is Tuesday-Saturday. So I have every Sunday and Monday off, and I actually get out of work at 6 PM on most days. Please hit me up if your respective schedules allow for any hang outs, because I miss everyone. I get to play with Jerrick once in a while on FFXIV, so that softens the sting of not having actually seen them in so long (plus they always answer their texts, just saying). But I'd still love to see them too.
And I know money is tight all around. If I understand the pay schedule right, I actually won't be paid until the 15th, so even though I'm working full-time hours, I'm not seeing a dime of that for a while still.
(On the plus side, I've got Vision insurance now :) ).
Well, I think I'll stop here. I still have to make/eat breakfast and I gotta figure out what Tiny is comfortable doing to start her training.
Later, all.
