July 17, 2013
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Nights... And Rain.
I dreamt of him again. It's been happening a lot the last few nights -- which makes me struggle to stay awake because it's too painful to dream and wish and then wake to find the reality. Jaunae had lent me Animal Crossing and all of a sudden my character pays off a 200K loan in two days.
The dreaming had gone down from what it was before though. Just recently it's been picking up again... Sometimes they're memories... Sometimes they're what I wish were memories... And others are what might have been...
Yancy is leaving this week. This Thursday night/Friday morning. I get along a lot better with him when we aren't living together, which is a shame because we used to be so close... I miss that...
To help with the move, Asaf has flown down so they can make the drive up together. A long drive like that is a lot safer with two drivers than with one. He actually arrived earlier today but I didn't get to welcome him since I was giving Tiny a bath, and they left to hang out at Tom's before I was done. So it wasn't until after my own shower that I was able to say hello, by which time Ma had already been playing catch up with him in the living room. I come out of my room for the pleasantries and after our hellos Ma calls out, "So where's Handel? [one of Asaf's brothers] Is he dating anyone right now?" Asaf says no. "Where is he? Tell him I have a beautiful daughter over here--" She laughs and I give a smile before quickly making an exit, never being more eager to blowdry my hair in my life.I thought to myself, That was oddly specific. The Adrian's are five guys. I get the set-up gag but why Handel specifically? I mean, the last time I saw all five Adrians I was seven or so. I don't even know what any of them look like right now except for obviously Asaf. Later, after she carried on the skit for the ENTIRE duration of my hairdrying (and I took my sweet time, too, waiting for them to change the subject), I found out it was because Dedu [one of the five] had recently been set up by his dad and it miraculously resulted in what seemed to be a perfect couple. "Madly in love" Ma used. She told me all this before apologizing and saying she was just teasing.
I'm used to the jokes. They piss me off, but I've come to expect them. It just really sucked having to hear Ma go on and on when I knew in my heart...
When the subject was finally changed, it had somehow gone on to babies. At one point I overheard Ma say that she doesn't think she'll get any grandchildren from me.
That actually made me really sad... I know I've never had confidence that I'd be a good mother, and that because of that doubt I've gone back and forth on what path I should take...
But...
I would actually really like being a mom someday...
And just hearing that... Maybe because a mother said it...
It just felt so... final... and my heart and stomach both ached...
Then I go out and...
He was sitting right across from me but he may as well had been in another state. I still miss him so much... There are some days where I honestly can't do this... But I have to... I need to...
And at BAM...
That was such a big day.... Me stupidly trying to get closure from a relationship that should have been over years before and Justin storming out for a drive because he couldn't bear to see me with someone else...
It was the day he bought me Little N... not knowing if he'd ever get the chance to give it to me, but purchasing it anyway...
I walked the aisles today and all I could think about was how much he felt then and how little he feels now...
I saw a hat shaped like a space helmet, the same kind they had years before when we were still dating... He had tried it on and let me take a picture... He never hesitated to do anything silly if it meant it'd make me laugh...
And the rain...
It's been raining a lot lately and with it come the floods of memories...
Dancing on a wet road...
Rushing to the car or a store/restaurant and his wet locks dripping onto his face...
But mostly I think of the day it all began...
He was working at Disney, and I was home. It rained here but only threatened there... We weren't dating yet, but we talked for hours every night on AIM... That night he told me about a coworker who always flirted with him, and how she was at it again today when they noticed how dark the sky was getting. She said she hoped it didn't rain, and he told me that in that moment he thought "But Janira and I love the rain..."
I was jealous...
My stomach twisted at the idea of someone else flirting with him and I was so scared I was going to miss my chance...
He knew something was bothering me and eventually it came out. He was so happy to hear I was jealous...
Because until then he wasn't sure if I felt the same...
I guess we wrote too good a story for me to let go...
I don't want to go to sleep.
I can't bear it...
God, please...
Help me...
