I'm doing a little better... Ate some breakfast, caught up on my Monday shows, and taking care of Tiny who's been sick all day. (No throw-up, just sick).

Not the best distractions, but... it helps...

 

Breathe...

Just breathe...

I feel sick. I feel so sick. My entire body can't... I feel sick.

Thinking it was something I "should know" about her, Justin explained she lives in Texas and that he'll only see her "maybe a few times a year." Maybe he said it as a way of assuring me that I'd never run into them on one of their dates or something. But that just made things worse. I would rather she were a neighbor than that...

Because to meet someone online or through a game or however they met, and to like them enough to talk every night and then to like them enough to want them to be yours and then to want them enough that you're willing enough to try long distance and spend a lot of money on trips to visit -- knowing it can't even be more than "a few times a year" -- that you ask them to be your girlfriend...

It means he truly and deeply cares for her...

Because he's flying halfway across the country... Just to see her...

And I'm right here...

And have nothing... Get nothing...

I asked if he was going to see her for his birthday, because I had assumed he would... But I thought I would just get a general or vague "yes" or "no" type of answer... I don't know what possessed him or if it was just a slip up, but not only did he say he was seeing her soon (which I was prepared for) but he went on to say that the trip was going to "break [his] bank" because "the plane ticket alone cost..."

He actually told me the price.

He told me the amount of money he was willing to spend to fly out and see her.

I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.

I WASN'T PREPARED TO KNOW THAT.

And God I just feel so sick... Because my heart can't stop breaking and I can't stop crying, all day yesterday and so far all this morning--

I can't...

When Charles and I dated the first time, his friends were so blown away at the fact that we were willing to do long distance. I specifically remember Levi asking me how we did it, because he didn't think it could be done.

He lived in St. Cloud.

That's it.

That was the big distance. A couple zip codes.

And here she and Justin are paying no mind to how many states lie between them.

He simply "breaks [his] bank" to see her. It's that simple.

It's the kind of thing that made him an amazing boyfriend. That he is this kind of person.

But dammit...

I really wish... I really wish he hadn't told me the number...

It was bad enough finding out she lived out there because I knew all that it meant... How strongly he must feel for her... How because they see each other so rarely that they're going to make the most of every second they're physically together...

But dammit I really didn't want to know specifics...

I feel sick...

My whole body...

My soul keeps screaming this isn't right... My heart...

This hurts...

It just... It really hurts....