June 5, 2013
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In Case / Without the Love
Okay, so I think I can trust myself to write about this now that I've settled into it. Last week was a bit of a nightmare week for me. It started with the weekend. It was nothing new and that was precisely the point. I was stuck at home while people went out doing their errands (leaving me with no car) and when they all DID come back I was STILL alone because no one wanted to watch anything or play anything, they just kept going about their business on their respective computers and (in Mom's case) just doing general kitchen stuff with Mama Bibi. So when the house was finally full I still felt alone. Then Sunday everyone was home and in the living room (or close by) but completely ignored me to the point where I was repeating myself 2-3 times before they'd hear what I said. Then came Monday. I had been having a crappy day because the weekend had put me in such a low mood that I was legitimately fighting tears in the middle of the living room and no one was noticing (and that's including lots of sniffling, mind you).
Finally, Ma tells me she wants to do something and eventually decides on a game. I set it up and we take a few turns, but then she inevitably gets a call as she always does, so while she's on the phone I pause the game and go online. I check facebook and the second story in my feed just shot my heart to hell.
It was a relationship status change. Justin was officially (the date was a month back but the status change hadn't happened until then) dating someone. It didn't help me that the story included her photo so I saw her and so couldn't help but picture her clearly in the freak outs that followed.
I knew it was going to happen, I knew it was only a matter of time, hell, I had mentioned I was dreading this day ever since we broke up. I'm not stupid, I knew he was going to move on sooner or later and if it wasn't this girl it would've been another. I'm a little surprised (and selfishly relieved) it didn't happen sooner since, being the person who was romantically detached from the relationship first, he had already had his closure/moving on mindset in place. So, yes, I was fully aware he was going to find someone else.
I just honestly hoped I'd be better prepared for it.
What good is a love song
A love song without the love?It may-- scratch that, it will seem stupid to a lot of you that it affected me so much but for two days I literally shut down and just sobbed in my room. Came close to having a panic attack twice. I'm not proud of it (my reaction), but that was my reality. Because my mind was swirling with memories of what I had, memories of what I lost, and images of what she will now have (images that were far too clear since I knew what she looked like).
Everyone keeps saying "It has been two years..." Well, it's felt like a hell of a lot longer. So I don't need any of you to tell me how long it's been.
The family finally noticed something was up when I didn't leave my room. Late Tuesday night I finally felt strong enough to walk around and eat (kind of lost my appetite) and Yancy took the opportunity to watch a random anime movie with me -- the first one he found on Netflix that spiked interest. I was numb, but the film was completely bizarre and so it was the best distraction (no, really, it was really weird). Afterward I let him know what was going on in a sentence and for once in his life he didn't lecture or give advice or give any I-know-best speeches. He just said, "I figured as much. I get it. It's hard to be friends with exes."
I got better after that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about the situation, but it's a reality. He's still one of my closest friends and still someone dear to my heart even on non-romantic terms. And the reality is that more than any wish I've had, I want him to be happy. Sure, it would've been perfect if it could have been with me, but it wasn't. So if it's not her, if it's the next girl or one five years from now, etc. I only hope she treats him well and gives him all the happiness I failed to give. Because past actions or not, that's what he deserves. And as his friend I recognize that.
Still, I'd be lying if I didn't say it hurts like you wouldn't believe...
But if he's happy, then I can live with that.
Wednesday or Thursday I went out job hunting only to have crap luck. Everywhere I went told me the same thing, that it was all online (or that they weren't hiring at all). But since going online wasn't counting as me trying to the folks (when Yancy got that new job I got a lot of crap for not trying as hard *exasperated sigh*) I had to show them that I just wasn't getting hired by people. Only two places allowed me to apply: The tax collector place where I renewed my license with the new address, and a store called "Beya" at the LOOP. No word from either yet but they both told me it could take up to 3 weeks to hear anything.
Being aware that I was having a rough (to say the least) time of it that week, Jaunae and Derrick decided to do something for me to help me get away from it all. Thursday night they invited me to sleep over their place from Saturday to Sunday. On Friday they told me there'll be a special item I'll have to pack but that they weren't telling me what it was until Saturday when they got out of work.
Turned out it was my new bathing suit I had bought not too long ago (since I'm positive I don't fit in the other one since I weighed ~125 when I bought it and now I weigh ~150 [huh, I haven't actually checked on that, I wonder if that number's changed at all]). So I'm thinking community pool, but it turns out it's a surprise mini-road trip to Daytona Beach where they surprised me with a hotel stay! The hotel was RIGHT NEXT to the beach, too, and so when we got a free upgrade from the hotel staff, we got an ocean-view room with a balcony and full kitchen!! ^______________^
I won't lie, there were moments where I was painfully aware of the fact that I was single, but overall the weekend was just what I needed. To get away, be out of the house and away from the family, offline, near the water, and at peace...
Especially the water. Oh God the moment I took that first step into the ocean I felt something surge into me that I couldn't explain. It's like this cool energy just seeped into my skin and bones and recharged me back to life. I felt like myself again in that water, and it made me remember the thought I had about the idea of past lives and that maybe I was some kind of mermaid because the same sensation of "I'm home" that I feel when in a lover's arms I otherwise only feel in the water.
And the fact that the sand and water do magic for your skin and complexion only makes it all better. I used to have incredibly soft skin that I was proud of and was very well-liked by the men I dated, but a few years ago, I don't know if it was stress or diet or what, but my arms started getting really bad where they were rough and covered in tiny scabs. I've picked at them and I've left them alone but nothing was making them smooth again. After just the first trip to the beach my arms had returned to their incredibly soft state that I've been missing. Sure, I wished there was someone who would enjoy it with me physically, but it didn't stop me from relishing the fact that my skin was back to it's glory again and I found myself feeling incredibly attractive.
I wish we never had to leave and could've just lived there. xD I miss the water so much already.
So now I'm back home and already fighting the general misery of being angered by my parents, being stuck at home (no car), dealing with Yancy's refusal to clean up after himself or do anything considerate (seriously, why the hell do I have to fight with a nearly 30 year old man about refilling the toilet paper holder when he uses the last of it!?), and general loneliness and stress and anxiety. As far as Justin seeing someone I haven't reacted anywhere near that badly since then, so now it's just another ache in my chest that I'll learn to adapt to. I still want him to be happy and while the ending of our relationship was questionable, it doesn't change the fact that the rest of our relationship was pure and real. And I'm grateful for having had a love so beautiful as that.
Now I just really want to get out of the house and back into some water.
I hope I find something soon. Having left Lane Bryant my unemployment cash has been delayed while they confirm that I left because they don't really have hours for me (or their long-established employees for that matter), but since it's STILL yet to be issued I'm getting scared that I'll be denied. I have to get out of this house. I can't do that without (at the very least) a car.
Sigh. God I miss that ocean.
