So I probably gained like 4-6 pounds this weekend with the amount of food I was spoiled with, lol. (And no, I'm not going to weigh myself to confirm). My birthday -- event 2 on the list of events I was originally dreading -- was this past Thursday. Up until the night before I still had no plans for how to celebrate it and my ideas were flopping pretty hard so I was losing hope on my birthday being any kind of special, again. Well, as it turns out, just a few hours before hitting the hay I was finally able to throw together a last minute plan of going out bowling. :)
I've only ever been in a bowling alley twice: the first being with Kathy and her then-boyfriend Marco, but we went after having played billiards somewhere else so the bowling alley was closing soon so we got maayyybe an hour? I dunno, it was a very short time and I wasn't completely comfortable (aka myself) around Marco so the experience wasn't as fun as it could have been; the second time I went to an alley was with Justin and several of his relatives but it was a last minute idea that (his dad?) suggested so I wasn't able to plan for it (i.e. avoid it) and it just to happened to fall on "day one" of my "week of the month" and so I was in WAY too much pain to play. So I just sat and watched and just said I wasn't feeling well (which probably made me look like an a$$ but I was in really bad pains just from SITTING but couldn't exactly just SAY that to all those people so I unfortunately settled for the bad impression -_-).
So I haven't really gone bowling before and (based on my short experience with Kat and Marco) I was sure I was gonna suck at it but it still seemed like something that'd be really fun.
:) It was.
I really tanked but, God, I loved it. I laughed throughout the whole thing and my good spirits rewarded me with ONE STRIKE! :D
To travel more practically, I asked if Justin could give me a ride (which he agreed to) and he surprised me with The Iron Giant, a movie I had just recently told him I didn't have because Dad accidentally gave my copy away years ago (long story). Not sure if he knows I caught it, but I heard him say it took him forever to find it. -^___^- That actually meant more than the movie itself... (The two boxes of pocky were very well received too lol) And he even bought me this immune system booster drink in case my cold got worse. (*smiles wide* Again, an amazing gesture)
At the actual alley (OH, btw we went to Splitsville, which is the building that USED to be Virgin, my first job) Jaunae surprised me with a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Historia. :) A book that I hadn't even put on my wish-list yet. xD She just knows me, lol.
After bowling Justin directed us to an ice cream place in downtown Kissimmee that I had never heard of or noticed. They make their icecream with NITROGEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. xD And it's UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS. (I already want more :P)
After that the night kind of slowed way down since we were playing by ear (everything being thrown together so late we couldn't actually PLAN anything) and were running out of ideas. In the end we made plans to have a dinner at LongHorn the following Monday and parted ways; but on our way for Justin to drop me off, he suggested Firehouse so we had a quiet, late dinner together there.
Friday Dad brought home Popeyes (which is actually delicious, we've since boycotted KFC when we discovered Popeyes) and Mom bought me a cookies and creme pie as a birthday "cake." (A fat child's tastegasm, I tell you.)
Saturday I bought dinner for the family. I went out while they were napping and came home with cold medicine for dad and China Town dinner for everyone.
Sunday, the four of us (my family) went out to dinner to officially celebrate my birthday together. We went to Red Lobster (damn, they can cook a steak!) and had a really nice time. For once no arguments or mood-killers happened. We actually spent the whole evening as a family and enjoyed ourselves.
Yesterday night I met everyone at LongHorn as planned. I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed that hard for that long. I mean most of our jokes were retarded and/or perverted but there was something so carefree and jovial about it all that I just... I was just... happy. I really was. And I wore something that made me feel beautiful (despite the mix and match) and I just felt so great about myself the entire time.
I say mix and match because I was wearing a combination of new and old clothing. (Without being too indelicate) my bra was old, my undies were new, my jeans were new (and I think they're smashing on me! :D), my socks and sneakers were old, and my blouse and (poo what's that called again... the strappy undershirt things) were old, but somehow after I had put them all together I just felt really beautiful -- and that's WITH seeing the bulge of my stomach.
I put my long, desperately-in-need-of-a-cut hair up with a clip and just felt so cute whenever I felt it whip at my left ear.
I had my nails painted this purply-pink color that matched my lipstick (although I think I forgot to use it that particular night), my class ring, a useless dress watch (it's only useless because the numbers are huge), and the necklace Nana gave me for Christmas long ago.
Every once in a while I'll feel childish whenever I'm stuck wearing really old clothing since I haven't been able to shop much, but for some reason last night I felt beautiful despite it. (That black blouse I wore? I wore it to my job interview for VIRGIN. Yeah. It's OLD.)
It was just... a really great time this weekend, and especially last night. Finally, my birthday felt special again.
But with those festivities concluded, I'm still left dreading event 3. I'm pretty sure there's no saving that one. Although it might help if Eyeglass World could finish up my new glasses already, just so I'd have something to be excited about. Not to mention it would make driving to new places a lot less scary since I'll actually be able to READ THE STREET SIGNS. Seriously, not being able to read them until I'm about 3 cars away from the light DOES NOT HELP ME if I am supposed to be turning there. I actually had to do a u-turn when going to LongHorn because I THOUGHT the sign read as the one I needed and it wasn't.
---
I really missed him that day, and yesterday. But that's nothing new to anyone.
I'm tired of things being one-sided.
I'm ready to be loved the way I love.
And I really wish I could not be the one that's left behind.
I know I can be seen as childish because of the way I act about things I like or excites me, but just because someone grows older doesn't mean they have to compose everything they do and be sophisticated all the time. I feel with my whole body, so when I'm happy, I'm really happy; and when I'm excited, I'm really excited. Energy fires through me with every emotion, and with being locked up under my overprotective parents for my whole life, I need to live wherever I can.
So I will squeal, and bounce, and hop, and dance, and make drastic hand gestures and faces.
I realize it looks like I'm still a child, not "woman" enough for my age, but it doesn't mean that's true.
I just refuse to dilute my happiness, because I don't feel it often enough as it is.
I don't know if that had anything to do with/was a factor in why my relationships ended (how I am perceived is something that tried to haunt me this weekend), and if it did... That hurts.
But, dammit, someone will love me for it.
They have to.
Because it's who I am.
And I shouldn't have to change something like that...
Still...
There are a lot of days where it's hard to picture someone loving it. Loving me for it.
Please, God, let Dad's dream be a dud. I don't want to be alone my whole life... I don't care how much inspiration or writings it would bring.
Man is not meant to live alone.
And I can't think of anything crueler than to have someone who loves the way I love...
be unloved.
