I really wish the unemployment people would just hurry up and say “Denied” if they’re not going to approve me for benefits instead of sending me forms after forms asking the same damn thing over and over and making me repeat myself.

YES, I WAS FIRED. IF YOU’RE GOING TO DENY ME THEN JUST DO IT ALREADY AND STOP MAKING ME WRITE THE SAME FACTS OVER AND OVER.

Also, I’d appreciate if job-search websites would stop matching me to positions that have already been filled. That’s like the third one I’ve clicked on “Apply Now!” for only for it to cut to a blank screen with the small sign: “Sorry! Position has already been filled.” (Which also means their “posted” dates are wrong too).

I got a hair cut this past Saturday and the lady (she’s cut my hair before) said that I have LESS THAN HALF the amount of hair I had the last time I saw her.

Since I’ve already been checked out medically and have been given the okay, we know my hair loss is tied to stress.

 

I’m out of BJ’s and I’m still losing my hair.

Yet another friend is engaged. I’m pretty sure she’s younger than me, too. By this age Ma was married for a year and about to give birth to Yancy.

My biological clock is ticking. I’m young, but not that young.

I want to fall in love with someone who wants to always be by my side the way I want to be by his, date for a couple years, get engaged for ~a year, get married, and have a couple-to-a-few years enjoying our marriage to each other before having children and making a family (2 children seems like a good amount).

But I’m already 24.

I only have so many years left before my appearance deteriorates and only so many years before dating becomes the ultimate hassle. Not to mention only so many years before time starts making decisions/plans for me rather than by me and my husband.

And I’m no where close to the starting line.

I want to settle down. I want a companion.

I want to start my life.

But I don’t want that start to come in my thirties or forties…

I want to share all I have to give and I want it to be reciprocated…

I saw Alisha this week and we had a long talk about what we both want with our lives…

I was surprised and relieved that I wasn’t alone in feeling “still young but getting old”…

So many of my friends have all found their companions and have started their lives long ago, and many more are starting them now…

As time goes by it’s going to get harder and harder for us to find someone. Especially with times being the way they are that everyone has to work all the time to get by.

“And the saddest fear comes creeping in…”

There has to be someone meant for me…

There has to be…

Because if you can’t live for love, what’s the point?

 

I have so little to offer, but I offer it with all of me…

Will that ever be enough?

Last night was the second night in a row that I woke up crying. I don’t remember the dreams I was having in either night — well, I remember a scene in one of the ones last night but that’s about it — but I know each night had more than one.

I keep waking up with an all-to-familiar pain in my chest.

But this past Saturday, the 16th, I was finally ready to change my facebook profile image to one of myself. I haven’t been able to have anything other than Kagome’s solemn face since the breakup… I was finally ready to see myself again. See myself smiling. And I chose an image from a cherished memory. I knew I wanted a picture of myself, and I knew it had to be tied to a happy memory.

I visited a lot of memories that day (or twilight, since it was ~2 AM Saturday morning), but my facebook pictures didn’t give me many to choose from (meaning there aren’t a lot with me in them) that didn’t somehow remind me of something sad.

But that day at Universal, that picture of the moment when I finally met her in person… It made me smile for the first time that day. Soon after (more like nearly two hours after) I found a cover image that could do the same. 

The rest of the Saturday went much better. I finally got my new glasses and they left me ecstatic on how great they look and how great I feel I look wearing them.

But even with the whole glasses fiasco, nothing made me happier than to have finally been able to change the image and be met with such happy memories  and colors the second I open the page (or application).

So I’m still crying in my sleep…

 

but at least I’m finally smiling more in the sunlight…

It’s already starting.. My insides are turning…

This week is going to be hard.

I’m in love. And that is an incredible feeling… but on days like these… it can hurt and burn more than anything.

I talk big, but I’m just hurt.

Because all that I’m feeling is in vain.

So I probably gained like 4-6 pounds this weekend with the amount of food I was spoiled with, lol. (And no, I’m not going to weigh myself to confirm). My birthday — event 2 on the list of events I was originally dreading — was this past Thursday. Up until the night before I still had no plans for how to celebrate it and my ideas were flopping pretty hard so I was losing hope on my birthday being any kind of special, again. Well, as it turns out, just a few hours before hitting the hay I was finally able to throw together a last minute plan of going out bowling. :) 

I’ve only ever been in a bowling alley twice: the first being with Kathy and her then-boyfriend Marco, but we went after having played billiards somewhere else so the bowling alley was closing soon so we got maayyybe an hour? I dunno, it was a very short time and I wasn’t completely comfortable (aka myself) around Marco so the experience wasn’t as fun as it could have been; the second time I went to an alley was with Justin and several of his relatives but it was a last minute idea that (his dad?) suggested so I wasn’t able to plan for it (i.e. avoid it) and it just to happened to fall on “day one” of my “week of the month” and so I was in WAY too much pain to play. So I just sat and watched and just said I wasn’t feeling well (which probably made me look like an a$$ but I was in really bad pains just from SITTING but couldn’t exactly just SAY that to all those people so I unfortunately settled for the bad impression -_-). 

So I haven’t really gone bowling before and (based on my short experience with Kat and Marco) I was sure I was gonna suck at it but it still seemed like something that’d be really fun.

:) It was.

I really tanked but, God, I loved it. I laughed throughout the whole thing and my good spirits rewarded me with ONE STRIKE! :D

To travel more practically, I asked if Justin could give me a ride (which he agreed to) and he surprised me with The Iron Giant, a movie I had just recently told him I didn’t have because Dad accidentally gave my copy away years ago (long story). Not sure if he knows I caught it, but I heard him say it took him forever to find it. -^___^- That actually meant more than the movie itself… (The two boxes of pocky were very well received too lol) And he even bought me this immune system booster drink in case my cold got worse. (*smiles wide* Again, an amazing gesture)

At the actual alley (OH, btw we went to Splitsville, which is the building that USED to be Virgin, my first job) Jaunae surprised me with a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Historia. :) A book that I hadn’t even put on my wish-list yet. xD She just knows me, lol.

After bowling Justin directed us to an ice cream place in downtown Kissimmee that I had never heard of or noticed. They make their icecream with NITROGEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. xD And it’s UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS. (I already want more :P)

After that the night kind of slowed way down since we were playing by ear (everything being thrown together so late we couldn’t actually PLAN anything) and were running out of ideas. In the end we made plans to have a dinner at LongHorn the following Monday and parted ways; but on our way for Justin to drop me off, he suggested Firehouse so we had a quiet, late dinner together there.

Friday Dad brought home Popeyes (which is actually delicious, we’ve since boycotted KFC when we discovered Popeyes) and Mom bought me a cookies and creme pie as a birthday “cake.” (A fat child’s tastegasm, I tell you.)

Saturday I bought dinner for the family. I went out while they were napping and came home with cold medicine for dad and China Town dinner for everyone. 

Sunday, the four of us (my family) went out to dinner to officially celebrate my birthday together. We went to Red Lobster (damn, they can cook a steak!) and had a really nice time. For once no arguments or mood-killers happened. We actually spent the whole evening as a family and enjoyed ourselves.

Yesterday night I met everyone at LongHorn as planned. I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard for that long. I mean most of our jokes were retarded and/or perverted but there was something so carefree and jovial about it all that I just… I was just… happy. I really was. And I wore something that made me feel beautiful (despite the mix and match) and I just felt so great about myself the entire time.

I say mix and match because I was wearing a combination of new and old clothing. (Without being too indelicate) my bra was old, my undies were new, my jeans were new (and I think they’re smashing on me! :D), my socks and sneakers were old, and my blouse and (poo what’s that called again… the strappy undershirt things) were old, but somehow after I had put them all together I just felt really beautiful — and that’s WITH seeing the bulge of my stomach.

I put my long, desperately-in-need-of-a-cut hair up with a clip and just felt so cute whenever I felt it whip at my left ear.

I had my nails painted this purply-pink color that matched my lipstick (although I think I forgot to use it that particular night), my class ring, a useless dress watch (it’s only useless because the numbers are huge), and the necklace Nana gave me for Christmas long ago. 

Every once in a while I’ll feel childish whenever I’m stuck wearing really old clothing since I haven’t been able to shop much, but for some reason last night I felt beautiful despite it. (That black blouse I wore? I wore it to my job interview for VIRGIN. Yeah. It’s OLD.)

It was just… a really great time this weekend, and especially last night. Finally, my birthday felt special again.

But with those festivities concluded, I’m still left dreading event 3. I’m pretty sure there’s no saving that one. Although it might help if Eyeglass World could finish up my new glasses already, just so I’d have something to be excited about. Not to mention it would make driving to new places a lot less scary since I’ll actually be able to READ THE STREET SIGNS. Seriously, not being able to read them until I’m about 3 cars away from the light DOES NOT HELP ME if I am supposed to be turning there. I actually had to do a u-turn when going to LongHorn because I THOUGHT the sign read as the one I needed and it wasn’t.

—

I really missed him that day, and yesterday. But that’s nothing new to anyone.

I’m tired of things being one-sided.

I’m ready to be loved the way I love.

And I really wish I could not be the one that’s left behind.

I know I can be seen as childish because of the way I act about things I like or excites me, but just because someone grows older doesn’t mean they have to compose everything they do and be sophisticated all the time. I feel with my whole body, so when I’m happy, I’m really happy; and when I’m excited, I’m really excited. Energy fires through me with every emotion, and with being locked up under my overprotective parents for my whole life, I need to live wherever I can.

So I will squeal, and bounce, and hop, and dance, and make drastic hand gestures and faces.

I realize it looks like I’m still a child, not “woman” enough for my age, but it doesn’t mean that’s true.

I just refuse to dilute my happiness, because I don’t feel it often enough as it is.

I don’t know if that had anything to do with/was a factor in why my relationships ended (how I am perceived is something that tried to haunt me this weekend), and if it did… That hurts. 

But, dammit, someone will love me for it.

They have to.

Because it’s who I am.

And I shouldn’t have to change something like that…

Still…

There are a lot of days where it’s hard to picture someone loving it. Loving me for it. 

 

Please, God, let Dad’s dream be a dud. I don’t want to be alone my whole life… I don’t care how much inspiration or writings it would bring.

Man is not meant to live alone.

And I can’t think of anything crueler than to have someone who loves the way I love…

be unloved.

One down, two to go. I’m not sure if anyone put it together in that entry a while back, but this was the first of three events I said I was dreading [as in dreading at the time I wrote the entry]. Thank God it wasn’t the misery I thought it was going to be back then. Although it was definitely hard…

Justin invited me over to his place to watch the game with him and his dad (I assumed other guests would be present, at the very least his dad’s girlfriend but didn’t know for sure at the time). I really wanted to see the game and I knew I sure as hell wasn’t going to be able to at home and didn’t think Jerrick had gotten into football enough to be willing to sit through the game (the whole game, and with no interruptions/distractions), and even if either of those were possible I knew it’d be better to have someone who could clear up anything I might miss/not know (such as the chance to earn 2 points after a touchdown [I was only aware of the 1 pointer]) — not to mention the bonus of being able to see him in general.

But the smart part of me was terrified about my accepting the invite because she knew it meant facing a lot of memories going into that house…

It was hard…

I didn’t know what to do with myself at first and I kept seeing flashes of all the other times I had been there. I got through it somehow, though.. His dad was really nice. Welcomed me in his usual friendly way and all, but what really helped was the way he kept me included the whole night. It was sweet, at one point he said he was glad I could make it and that he missed having me over. 

I met the woman he’s seeing and her son (who, thank the lord, behaved himself), which spared me the panic of where to sit. And I got to see Uncle Bob again (I’ve always liked him and ever since I ran into him that one time in McDonald’s I’ve felt comfortable around him [as in lacking the normal level of awkwardness you'd feel with other people's relatives] — which had everything to do with the fact that he opened up that day and talked to me as an equal). Actually, when Uncle Bob walked in he seemed really surprised to see me there. It kinda looked like he was trying to figure out what I was doing there (as in, did it mean anything or if it didn’t then why was I there, etc). Honestly, I wouldn’t have known what to tell him.

Anyway, the food was delicious and the cookies I made came out fantastic (thank goodness, that would’ve been awkward lol) — it felt great to see everyone going crazy for them. :) Yay compliments and confidence boost!

As I said before, Justin’s dad kept me included. We all decided what team we were rooting for beforehand — I chose the Ravens (coincidently same as Justin’s [I spoke first]) and he (Justin’s Dad) chose the 49ers along with Uncle Bob — and so whenever the 49ers FINALLY stopped sucking he would yell out things to keep the “rivalry” going. :P He also yelled out stuff like “Get out. Leave the cookies.” whenever I cheered for the Ravens. xD It all really helped keep the memories at bay and keep me into the game, so I had a lot of fun. :)

Justin was really nice the whole time too… He’d always offer/check to see if I wanted anything whenever he was reaching or getting up for something, and even shared some of his chicken with me (he didn’t think he’d finish it). [[Which reminds me, I ate a LOT. I had forgotten to eat anything else after breakfast *which was at 10* so I was starving]]. All the stuff of hosting, I know (well except maybe the chicken-sharing, but I was sitting right there) but it was still nice and appreciated.

I had a really good time, which is such a relief because at the time of that other post I was convinced today would be the first event of a two-weeks-long nightmare. I still have the two other events to go but if today went well maybe the second will go well too…  (Although I have no hope whatsoever for the third).

This ache and pain hasn’t lessened at all… Nearly two years now and…

At least I was able to enjoy today. It was fun, the game was exciting, and the halftime show was great (tons better than that crappy Madonna [or whoever] performance of last year).

If only I could look forward to event 2… I’m still dreading it (which is really sad considering what it is).

 

On a side note: I get my new glasses soon (I think the lady said Tuesday). I had saved up for my eye exam and frames and when I lost my job Mom said it was best to still do it (since I really needed it [5+ yrs w/o an eye exam]) before things got worse. [And since I've always been frugal and kept a safety net, I still could]. I wanted a bolder color and style (but not excessive) for my new frames and I found two I really liked and think look good on me. Hopefully I’m not wrong. :P I was really hoping to have them by today but didn’t work out.

There is a possible lead to a job at Dad’s station. I’m really excited about it and hope it works out. I’ve always aimed for jobs where I have to work with people, but maybe I’m more of an office type? I don’t know. I just know I am so damn tired of dealing with people. I don’t know if it’s worse here in FL or if it’s this bad everywhere, but God I’ve just had enough with the a-holes. So, yeah, I’ll give paperwork a shot.

While I’m chasing this lead, I’ll apply for unemployment in the meantime. I pick up my final check this week, after which I can apply since I’ll be legally off a payroll.

Things will be a little scary and tight for a while since the cable and phone bills are due soon, but hopefully I’ll get something decent back in taxes and will hopefully have unemployment to keep my head above the water. (Please, God, let me be approved).

 

All things considered, today was a great day. I’m a little sad and lonely now, but I’m relieved I had fun.

So many thoughts are rushing through my head now…

 

Goodbyes are always hard.