Back again, because I'm still upset and can't sleep. Or rather, haven't even tried to GO to sleep because I can't seem to quiet my mind. 

I was fired... God, it feels so wrong... I was so careful and counted bloody EVERYTHING to make sure that kind of crap never happened again but they just kept coming at me with correctives and I couldn't defend myself because 1+weeks after the fact, I can't remember if I scanned it or not... But I was careful and counted and made sure everything matched the screen and coupons... I just don't get it...

And now I'm fired...

He said I can use them as a reference and he (what seemed to be genuinely) wished me luck... But I don't know if I should or not -- then again when asked why I left the last job and I say "let go" and NOT provide them a reference it'll look worse... God. -_-

I found the site online. Googled my question about how soon to apply and it says as soon as possible since benefits start from when you apply, not when the job ended. I'm going to look over BJ's side in the morning to be safe and if nothing seems amiss I'll apply then. The site's open in another tab.

God this sucks. I hate feeling like this. Like I failed or am a screw up. I worked hard and tried my best at everything there and only called out when I absolutely couldn't stand (referring to my fainting/dizzy spells). I just feel like such a screw up...

I guess it happens to everyone at some point in their lives (or the general "everyone" you use in these kinds of statements), but it just... Got it sucks that it happened to me...

I'm a good worker... I hate feeling like someone believes I'm not.

BS policies are hell. 

Okay. So here it is. I was "let go" from my current job tonight. I had put in a request a little while back to have my birthday off (I'm supposed to have it off automatically but as the date drew closer I got paranoid that I'd get screwed so I asked a person from HR and she said to put in a request to be on the safe side) and the new schedules were put up today. I saw that my request was denied and I was going to have to close on my birthday (worst shift to give if you have to give one but w/e). I complete my shift today and literally had my hand on the time-clock machine to clock out when Juan asked me to wait a minute because he needed to talk to me.

I don't clock out as he asked and follow him to his office (he's another HR person). He tells me he had been looking at my file (no doubt to verify it was actually my birthday coming up since all requests would go to him) and realized there was a corrective that needed to be given to me (so had he not been looking at my file it might've been forgotten is what I took from his statement). Apparently I supposedly failed to scan a case of Pepsi (worth $10, the MINIMUM amount for a write-up) last week or the beginning of this week. My last corrective was evidently two months ago (could've sworn it was much longer, but according to their records no) and it was a "final warning" so since this new one wasn't at least 90 days later, policy says they have to fire me. Juan said he tried to fight for me, try to cut me a break so-to-speak but HR/Home Office wouldn't let him [and it has already been established in previous strikes that I can't just pay for the thing myself/taken out of paycheck]. But of course, as always, since they only document the object and price and not the time, register, or customer description, there's no way for them to check the cameras (or whatever) to actually confirm whether or not I did in fact fail to scan the item or if it was just an attempted theft/lost receipt/etc.

I surprisingly kept calm and proper (though visibly disappointed) with him and shook his hand and turned in my stuff; but I was just so so very angry inside that a damn pepsi case cost me a job and they can't even take the time or make an effort to make SURE I even screwed up in the first place. That's what kills me. That there is a chance I may not have even made the mistake. 

I know I hated that place, I still do, and those policies are just ridiculous and they evidently don't take suggestions seriously (though they say they do) because I've and at least two others have suggested a better system for handling correctives but no one seems to be looking into it or trying. So I know it's not a big loss. But it was money. Money I and my family needed. Money that puts a hold on a bunch of my resolutions. Money Ma's going to be bitching about non-stop now and I'm going to have to comfort her about it when I'm the one that got fired. 

*Sighs* I figured I'd get canned before I quit but I really hoped I would have something else lined up before they did. I applied to all the local federal/entry-level jobs that this job searching website connected me to (there were many more out of city/state but obviously those aren't an option) but no takers.

Ugh. Today was actually a good day too. It was slow but steady so it was finally a little more casual for everyone, and Andrea (one of the supervisors I was convinced hated me) was warming up to me and acting as if I was... well, not a friend, but... a good egg, I guess.

And the shift ended like a movie.

Since my shift ended at 9, Andrea looked at the chart at 8:45, looked around at the nearly empty store, then looked at me with a smile and said, "Ready to go home?" I gave her a surprised look (since I'm not supposed to be pulled for another five minutes) but then shrugged because, clearly, she didn't need me (the traffic had slowed down to a halt and she still had three other cashiers) so I gave her a 'Sure.' She kept her smile and said I could go.

I pull my till, as I'm doing so the cashier that was across from me (Genesis) pretended to be mad at me and said "Lucky" and playfully glared at me while saying, "have a good night!" I played along and said, "I will!" and we both laughed as I walked away. After sending my till up I head for the time clock and see the schedule for the week AFTER next week was up and thought, "Wow! So I actually know what I'm working beforehand! I can make plans for once!" I give my name a quick glance and see that while my request for my birthday was denied for next week, my second choice (you always gotta put one) for the following Sunday WAS approved and that I'd still have a decent week. I lift my hand to clock out and that's when Juan caught me.

I went over all the dialogue and stuff in my head in the car and realized that my night was a movie script. You're supposed to only MAKE UP that kind of irony.

I gotta read through the BJ's manual tomorrow and see if there is a time limit to file for unemployment (there was one for when Virgin closed down, I had to wait 3 months or so) because I forgot to ask Juan. If not then it's off to hunt for the website again and see if I can get any. I hear it's been getting harder to qualify for those so I'm really hoping I can... (Actually I might have to wait until after I pick up my last paycheck [which won't be until next week] since as far as legal papers go I'd still be on a payroll until then).

Damn it. -_- What a way to start off February. 

And I didn't get to use my vacation hours. Mulligan.

Mom never means her apologies. Because it is never her fault.

And I'm really f*cking tired of it.

And the fact she had the gall to call me a selfish daughter who doesn't want to help her family because I freaked out (in fear) about the idea of lending them money to buy a house.

1) She didn't ASK. She just said "What's your credit card limit? Oh, then we can just put it all on her card." 

2) She threw the phrase around "to buy a house" without telling me the actual amount. How the hell is that NOT supposed to scare me?

3) I voice my concerns about the loan and the fact that she just planned it as if I didn't have a choice when it's MY money and SHE gets mad at ME because she knows I've lent to my friends so why not them. (Meaning she's ignoring me/missing the point).

4) She has the fucking gall to accuse me of being selfish or bad daughter after the fucking THOUSANDS i've lent them over the years!? THEY FUCKING SPENT MY COLLEGE TUITION MONEY AND NEVER PAID ME BACK SO I HAD TO WORK FOR MY TUITION ALL FOUR YEARS.

I'm done. I'm just... I'm f*cking done with her.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Literal last person was Dad. So, yes. Romantically, no. They meant it platonically, evidently.

Hey, Xanga... Wow, I actually don't know how to start this. It's about as awkward as several clichés that I'll choose not to mention.

As always there's no real/justifiable reason for my absence here, but it hardly makes a difference. The holidays were a dud, again, but here's hoping for a better year. Is it weird that I'm dreading February? I really am. Three events within the same two weeks that I would rather skip completely. The entire month is going to suck...

I'm getting back into Zumba. It worked really well for me before (when I first bought the game). The only reason I stopped was because I was walking 8+ miles at Universal nearly every day and it was becoming too much for my legs to bear. Now that my job doesn't involve moving platforms or 2-5 staircases, I should be able to get back into the game and keep it. I've only done two sessions (Thursday and now today) but I can already feel my old level of endurance creeping back. I used to be able to burn 600 calories per session and at the moment I'm already doing half that, so that's a good sign I guess. Muscle memory is helping me with the songs too...

I've long-stopped doing this, but I made resolutions this year. I figured I'll have a better chance of actually doing them if I don't share them until completed. Here's hoping that works.

*Sigh* I hate saying/feeling "here's hoping" so often. It seems to be the only thing I can do lately.

Our house is in foreclosure. Evidently the owner we rent from wasn't kidding when he said money was getting tight. And clearly the plan to sell the house didn't work. They say things like this takes months to go through but realistically we know that any day they could show up and say "You've got two weeks. Get out." One of my relatives is out of town so they said, worse-case-scenario, we can crash at their place if we're kicked out before finding a new one.

Yancy's moving to Buffalo to live closer to the other Adrians and make things easier to work on their book. He originally tossed the idea of me going with him. I turned him down. I miss snow but that doesn't mean I miss Buffalo (although to be fair I'm judging it by the only part of it I've lived in, the poor side), not to mention that all my friends (dwindling and strained as they are) are here and I don't know anyone up there. (No offense, but cousins don't count since I haven't seen any of them for longer than 2 days in over a decade. That equals strangers). One of his arguments (there were only a couple) for my joining him would be that I wouldn't be alone. I'd have him and the other Adrians.

No offense to them, but I've grown so damn tired of being the little sister in the group and frankly with their ages, personalities, and sizes (they're all frikkin trees), that's all I'll ever be. (I say this not because of romantic interest but instead referring to a sense of belonging and equal status).

((Not to mention I really don't want to live with Yancy if I can avoid it. Love him and all but I deal with him better when I'm not a room/hall mate.))

But I am saving up for something else... We'll see if that goes anywhere.

Tiny's doing better. She's not getting sick as often as she was.

I'm keeping track of my accumulated vacation hours. A hopeful version of me wanted to save it for my birthday or some other time when I can take a week (or half week) and go someplace, but I know nothing's going to happen so instead the idea so far is to save it up for MegaCon weekend and get paid while I browse a convention hall full of nerdy things. (I know I only go to the Saturday one, but you know what I mean).

I miss feeling wanted.

I go back and forth between considering cutting my hair or just trimming it. It largely depends on my mood. "Normal" me really likes my long hair, but the "bad days" version of me wants to just chop it off.

There's a girl at work who is just flawless-doesn't-even-have-to-try-like-at-ALL gorgeous and it bums me out.

I bought two new pairs of jeans, some black "interview" pants, and a blouse I actually really like and plan on wearing to Jaunae's birthday. I'm still waiting on the bill from KOHLS to pay it off. (They signed me up for a free KOHLS card that gives you discounts on almost everything in the store when used, but the card itself is kind of like a credit card so I have to wait for them to mail me my card and info so I know where/how to pay). I still need more clothes but damn everything is expensive nowadays. Actually they always have been but I'm in desperate need of an actual adult wardrobe that it's just more noticeable now. 

I'd actually like to get some skirts and dresses.

I'm hoping they'd make me feel better.

There's that word again.

Today wasn't a bad day I'm just having a rough weekend and it's just all coming out here.

Dearest Xanga. You rarely get good news it seems (comparatively).

I really need new glasses. That'll have to be next on the list now that the two new jeans keep the "what if my one pair rips?" danger away. This week would've been the perfect time to do it but now I gotta keep my eye out for that KOHLS bill so I can't assume I have any money.

I miss the water.

I just want to go. Leave. But not with Yancy and I don't know where. I look on my friends' facebook pages and I just see photos after photos of beaches, forts, cruises, campings, and other such outings and they all seem to take place within days of each other (according to the statuses, not the post times) yet they somehow still work 40-60 hour weeks? How??

And it all just makes me feel like crap because I work part-time but have no fun times to experience or post about.

I hate working the liquor store at work. It's only for 20-35 minutes at a time (to give the main liquor store person their breaks) but I truly hate it. Selling hard liquor in bulk and to people who think nothing of dropping hundreds, and in some cases even THOUSANDS, of dollars on booze (but then still bitch inside about how expensive the apples are). I've told higher-ups before (more than once) about my being uncomfortable working there but they don't seem to care since they have yet to "train" anyone else to do it for me. (I use the quotes because they never trained me for anything. They just threw me in there to fend for myself). I really hate that place. My skin crawls every time I have to hand someone cigarettes or damn liters of booze.

My mind is all over the place tonight. I think I'm just tired. I should probably try to sleep.

I miss my friends.