November 26, 2012
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How I wish...
My necklace from Strapya World came in yesterday. I'm terrified I might have ruined the pearl though. I thought I would have to clean it before placing it in the necklace (if for no other reason than to wipe off the clam smell) so I looked at a bunch of sites online and they all said that a small amount of soft soap (all recommended baby soap but most said dish soap may also do) in warm water for a second or two would do the trick, and then to wipe clean in something soft (not a towel). I remember the pearl shined a beautiful, breath-taking white when I first revealed it, but after the quick dip in the water I noticed it was much duller. And when I look at it closely I can see spots like -- how do I describe this -- like when you scrape your hand/skin but instead of a cut or redness you just see a white streak. I can't be sure if the spots were there before or not because I didn't hold the pearl close to my face when I first uncovered it (I figured it would smell since I could clearly smell the clam), all I remember is that shine before I gently placed it in the water.
I only used a few drops of the soap but I guess even that was too much.
A part of me wonders if I should just buy another one and not clean it, but instead place directly into the necklace, or maybe just let it air out the smell rather than worry about water. But another part of me likes the game of chance in the pearl colors and doesn't want to "redo" it only to get a completely different color.
The one given to me was white, for knowledge. (Ironic, since my lack of pearl knowledge may have ruined this one).
Another part of me is sad that I have these thoughts at all. Because that part of me feels that the pearl represents me. Not flawless. Not dazzling. With no sparkles or breath-taking shines in the light...
But instead rough. With "scrapes." And dull...
But still a pearl...
Still unique...
It's still a pearl...
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I spent the better half of the day with Justin, and it was wonderful. We hugged in greeting and that combined with his voice just sent me into a giddy daze that I didn't come out from for the whole evening. I had missed him even more than I realized. I also got a HUGE boost when he said he liked my lipstick. It's the first one I've ever purchased and with all the sticks being sealed I had to eyeball it to find a complimentary color. It was a HUGE boost for me to hear that he liked it and that I had passed my first attempt at something so dependent on shades. :P
We walked over to Tropical Smoothie and had smoothies, browsed BAM, and talked movies for a while before catching Life of Pi and Lincoln, both of which were great (and thank God I wasn't too politically-stupid to understand and appreciate Lincoln! That would've been awkward. :P)
Even though it never got me down (until the drive home, anyway), I did find myself wishing, as usual, that things were different. I kept wanting to reach for his hand and had to actively remind myself not to. I also wanted to link arms and rest my head on his shoulder during Lincoln (during the calm parts) and kiss his cheek during our goodbyes, but somehow I was able to remind myself in time.
Wasn't until the drive home that it (the sadness) all hit me. It actually sucks that I can drive myself places. It's so much lonelier driving by myself and I miss the time together that I would have otherwise had.
He said the necklace was really pretty and didn't mention anything negative about the pearl, although I never told him I ruined it, so hopefully it's not as noticeable to others as it is to me.
I keep listening to Taylor Swift's album, "Red," whenever I drive since the radio sucks and it's the only physical CD I have that's long enough for it not to feel too loopy. But whenever the song "All Too Well" comes on I cry. Every time. Sometimes I skip the song all together if I'm already feeling too low to bear it. The lyrics are just too much for me.
It felt so good seeing him today... I wish our original plans hadn't been cancelled but I'm so glad I wasn't stuck at home. I'm so grateful to him for still wanting to spend the day with me. (He also wanted out of the outing with his dad's girlfriend but I'll take what I can get.)
After all this time and all that's happened, his voice still makes me happy. We have plans to go to a concert together this week and he had actually called me yesterday (not texted, called) to let me know he had picked up the tickets. My heart skipped a beat with excitement when I heard his ringtone. I didn't tell him this (or the previous statement, obviously), but the second I heard his voice all the horrible things I felt that week just lifted off of me and I had the biggest smile on my face. The added fact that he chose to call instead of text (was probably driving but still) kept me giddy all the -- what otherwise would have been lonely -- way home. I can't wait to hear that voice again.
(Oh, and don't worry, I'm keeping myself in check, but with this past week I need to allow myself to look forward to things.)
I do miss him though...
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I feel like my thoughts aren't flowing as smoothly as usual. I just reread that last section and it's in need of better segways, heh. Oh well.
Mom and Dad come back Tuesday morning. It's funny that I had the freedom of not having to rush home for curfew or answer 20 questions about what I'm doing, yet didn't get the opportunity to actually go anywhere and enjoy those freedoms. Even the concert is AFTER they come back so I have to go straight home after.
Just thought of the pearl again. I really hope this back and forth ends soon. But I'm still so angry at myself for ruining it. I finally buy myself something nice and I screw it up.
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Home alone again.
I wish I could have stayed with him a little longer.
