October 7, 2012
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Kagome
I shouldn't be writing this. Even now I know I should just stop, delete these words, and exit the window. Or I could even just click the "cancel" button and click on "ok" when they ask if I'm sure...
It's what I should do.
But I'm happy.
And...
Even if it makes me write things I shouldn't,
I shouldn't hide away the times I'm happy.
I've been humming/singing along to songs in my head from today. Wonderful today. I got to see him again. I know it hasn't been long at all on paper, but I've been missing him and feeling his absence more and more. It was so good to see him... To hear him laugh and see that smile.
It still hurts, and I still wish things, but I can't help but be happy when I'm beside him all at the same time. I still catch myself hoping for the movie ending sometimes. But realistically I know my chances aren't great. Not because we weren't perfect before, but because-- well, I still don't really understand it all myself. I don't see or know what went wrong still, but it seems my heart is starting to consider allowing me to take Kagome's path and enjoy the love I have for this man and my time beside him, despite my limited role. I mean, I assume Kagome gets her perfect ending in the finale, I'm not sure, I never did finish seeing "The Final Act" season, but as for the english dub she spends their entire adventure in love with InuYasha, despite his early "decision" to be with Kikyo. (The quotes are because I'm pretty sure that decision was BS but, again, without seeing the final season I don't get the solid confirmation).
I just realized this isn't coming out the way I thought it would. Heh, I'm not explaining things quite right.
The point is, as of this moment he is still certain I'm not-- ... not the one... and... although it's still so hard to imagine how, I want to still be in his life. Because I'm still sure that he's-- ...
Anyway...
He'll meet someone.
He'll meet someone and fall in love with her and...
I may never be the one he looks at in that way anymore -- that look that is solely reserved for the one that has your heart -- but it is impossible, no matter what other emotion is happening simultaneously, for me not to feel joy when I'm with this man and if that is all I get for the rest of my life, I'll be grateful. Because it means he'll still be there. I'll still get to see him and laugh and joke and...
I'll be respectful. I won't cross any lines and I'll back off...
But for now I'll enjoy days like this. Where I can be in his company and feel this... this incredible joy and warmth. I still wish, yes. I'm not denying that..
But at least, for the second consecutive time, I didn't have to act. And that is a huge thing for me.
And what elates me more is that he initiated it all. It feels so much better feeling like someone wants to see you versus your paranoid mind telling you they're only agreeing to see you.
And the idea that he may have really wanted to see me (albeit platonically, I'm not kidding myself) makes me so happy... I can't even describe.
Heh, I tried to style my hair with the blowdryer, but it was an utter failure. I ended up leaving the house with my normal poofy, frizzy hair but didn't care.
Because I got to see him today.
And I can't stop smiling.
Starships were meant to fly-i-i-i-i
Hands up, and touch the sky-i-i
Starships were meant to fly-i-i-i-i
Hands up, and touch the sky...
And bless him, I got a greeting and farewell hug.As amazing it is to be able to recall romantic sensory memories such as being kissed,
there is no sensation I cherish reliving more
than that of a real embrace from someone who loves me/and has my heart...
I'm in love. I don't care if I'm not supposed to be.
