I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here. 

Metaphorically and literally.

I guess I just need someone to talk to. 

I miss those nights we used to stay up talking to each other on AIM. I miss the more intimate (emotionally not sexually) conversations we had via text and phone all those days we were apart. 

Mostly I just missing being able to talk to someone. About anything, everything. I can't really do that anymore. Jaunae and I are going through another rift because of her hectic schedule and personal stress. I don't blame her for it, I just hate the timing of it all. There was plenty of time for this when I was losing sleep over school, but I guess that wouldn't have helped either. I don't catch Derrick often and even though I know he'd be there for me, I've only ever really opened up to him maybe twice before. I like to keep things light with him. I catch Ernon-san even less, but that wouldn't help either since I haven't spoken to him much ever since Charles got jealous; and now, though we're still friends and use "nicknames" (dunno if that's the right word), I can't just jump back in to unloading everything on him -- especially if it's crap he's heard before (my feelings, not his). Kathy and I rarely speak and she has moved on with her own life -- one that sounded pretty great last time I heard, save for the fact Jose still only sees Quincy every once in a while -- so it's weird to talk about things I can't even phrase right when she has her own grown-up issues to deal with. And Dafne... We've grown apart the most, I think. Her living so far being only one of the factors (although a BIG one). And ever since I read what I wished I hadn't I haven't been able to undo the knot in my stomach.

And Justin...

I'm still trying to figure out what the new rules are with him. Not that he's mentioned there being any, but it goes without saying that I can't just... 

I really miss talking. Really talking things out and through. Because I read some past entries -- random ones from different times because I just picked them from my "footprints" feed, which revealed a lot of traffic from California and Russia -- and I couldn't help but realize how happy I felt then, how I finally felt like things were moving forward in my life (not just romantically) and then everything just hit the fan and now I feel --

A high school friend is married.

My younger cousin is getting married this December.

Another high school friend is pregnant, evidently.

Corky and Kasey are going strong.

Kathy has Quincy.

Dafne's a manager (or something like that) and making enough cash to go out with friends and to theme parks and who knows what else.

A friend from elementary school is married with three kids.

Rebecca went to China.

Justin had talked about moving and is probably still hoping for it.

I don't know what it really is that I want to say here. All of the above probably don't sound big at all it's just...

I feel...

Stuck.

Trapped.

Alone.

Like a waste.

I don't know what to do. What to think. How to express what I feel.

But just like I'm always there for Jaunae when she wants to vent, she knows there is one subject that secretly (not anymore) angered me deep in my stomach and so she doesn't feel as comfortable coming to me with it anymore...

And all of these things that I'm struggling to let out are what I imagine are the subject(s) she is tired of hearing of too.

I know what I'm doing probably isn't helping either, but these nights (or days) out with him have been what's kept me from completely losing it at home. Because otherwise I'd be stuck here all the time. All the time. Alone. Because I don't have the car nearly as often as I thought I might, so even if I was strong enough to go somewhere by myself (as in not too afraid or intimidated by lack of company) I can't.

We saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower tonight. He knew I really wanted to see it so he agreed to take me even though it meant going all the way to Downtown Disney since they evidently aren't playing it at the LOOP. I really liked the film (haven't read the book yet) but parts of it were depressing, which I could handle, and some were scary, which I almost didn't handle.

It was only a few moments, but there were lines/scenes/emotions in that film that scared me because I had spoken/written/felt them myself... and all of those moments in the film were... well, they were pretty bad (as in they sent out red flags)... 

Which doesn't make me feel so hot about me...

At least most of them happened years ago...

I just wish I could talk. I probably would be all over the place and never even find what it is that's clawing at me just like I am now but at least there would be someone there...

Most of it is me missing him, I know. I realized it when I hugged him goodbye. I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow our hug wasn't as awkwardly positioned as usual when we hugged goodbye in the car. My head was somehow actually beside his rather than somewhere over the curve of his shoulder, and my cheek met his neck. It threw me and made me realize how much I ached for a real embrace and the intimacy of being held at all times (hug/hand-holding/etc.) by someone who simply wanted me close...

and not just someone but him specifically.

I wish I could write. I wrote a one-shot on the BlogSpot for the writing challenge -- and I originally liked it a lot -- but now it feels like it doesn't even count since, at best, it can only be called an alternate ending to the film. 

I don't know what I'm even doing on here.

But tonight was beautiful and I wanted more and I wanted to experience it all, all over again, and I felt pretty but found more joy in the night and the cool breeze that finally allowed me to wear long sleeves and the music and the instruments and the dancing and that smile

but I come home and I'm alone and I'm crying and I don't know what I'm logging on to AIM for because he won't be there and I log into Xanga but don't know what to say and my fingers move on the keyboard and they're not getting anywhere that makes sense and I just...

I just cry.

I was happy.

So so happy.

And every aspect of my life had hope and promise and drive and purpose

and now I'm just...

just a cashier with no one waiting for her to clock out.

Maybe I should just be a student, forever.

Just collect majors until I'm old enough to be mistaken for the professor. Test taking seems to be the only thing I'm good at now.

But I was alone there too.

And God knows I can't afford it. And BJ's sure as hell isn't going to work with me schedule-wise the way Universal did so that I could do it.

Next week I have Sunday and Monday off then work Tuesday through Saturday. I'm really angry one of my days off didn't land in the middle somewhere to give me a break from that place, but I'll probably get fired soon anyway. I used up my last strike by supposedly missing SEVEN butter items -- which REALLY ticks me off because they say I scanned one but missed the other seven which tells me that it's for sure BS because if there were that many I would have done the quantity scan, which I TRIPLE-CHECK to MAKE SURE it matches the amount I counted for that very reason so either someone new at the door didn't know what that was and thought I missed them or they wrote the wrong cashier number or I don't know what but no way did I miss SEVEN of the same items, especially if I had ALREADY SCANNED one of them. But of course, they have to take the guest's/report's/front door person's word for it because they don't know when it happened -- which I can't help with since they write me up for it A WEEK+ AFTER the incident occurred. 

If I'm not canned for that, then my "lack of renewals and rewards" will. (Because I can totally control people's budgets and FORCE them to renew their cards or upgrade).

I really just want to be in a book store. 

But I haven't even read anything in a while either.

I've started several different things but haven't "picked" one to read.

It's been too rattling in my head for me to enjoy the silence of reading.

I don't know what I came in here to write.

I accidentally grabbed his arm while trying to escape the water from the Stitch display but didn't realize I had even grabbed it until I was letting go. I was so panicked he'd think I was trying to link my arm with his that I later explained the whole thing after passing by the display again. In the car his phone fell off his leg and into the space where the gear shifter is and, without thinking, I just reached over and placed it on his leg again. My hand didn't touch his leg or anything, I distinctly remember only feeling the phone edges, but still panicked that it might have been inappropriate. I didn't try explaining my way out, though. Instead I tried to ignore it and play it off like I didn't notice so that, if it was inappropriate, he'd see I didn't mean any harm and just glide right past it.

I don't know.

I think it was just seeing all the couples having a good time and being so close combined with my desires to turn back time that made me so paranoid.

But again that's nothing new.

I wish I could sing.

Maybe I'd be happier if I had that innate talent of having a voice.

Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.

I don't know what I'm trying to write.

Nothing's getting out still.

I should probably just go to bed...

Goodnight... no one.

I really wish I could sleep beside him. I'd feel safer. Loved.

I don't know what's trying to get out. I never found out what I'm trying to say... I haven't been able to work through it with anyone.

I know one of the things is what came out that one time Justin and I really talked...

But there's more... And I can't find...

He's probably going to move away.

And why shouldn't he? He sounded so miserable about living here...

Even if we were still together I probably wouldn't have been enough to...

Shit.

I wish I could get away.

Go away.

A vacation.

But there's no money. No time (because BJ's sure as hell wouldn't give it to me) unless I'm fired.

And no one to go with.

Nowhere to go either.

I keep thinking about the Megacon we all stayed at a hotel together. So much laughter and jokes... and I got to fall asleep beside him.

I've almost forgotten that he snores.

Even before we dated, I never minded it. [*He fell asleep a couple times after being exhausted from work or some-other] 

It sounds stupid but I miss that too. Always felt like he was peaceful.

My work friends aren't really my friends. But they've been nice at least, so I can't complain.

I just feel like nothing's moving forward anymore.

And that block on my writing has been forming again.

Maybe that's why the one-shot came out so bad.

God, what do I do?

I'm just so lost.

And alone.

And I can't...

 

I just can't..

I completed my first challenge from the 30 'Day' Writing Challenge. As a reminder, I don't plan on doing these in order, so my first completion is actually the second challenge -- writing a fanfiction (in this case, a one-shot).

Hope you guys like it, and please remember I allow anonymous (as in, no account required) commenting over there, so please leave your thoughts.

"Mirror Stolen From the Wall."

I really like it so I hope you all will, too. I've been working on it for a while and am finally pleased with it. (That is not to say I won't accept criticism if it still needs improvement. I'm very much open to constructive critiques.)

 

----------------

I never did get to write a post in here this week. But I'm not sure if I still should...

It wouldn't have been important anyway.

At least tonight I'll have my challenge completion. It feels so good to write again, and to actually complete something -- even if it is just a one-shot.

 

I miss him.

 

Sigh.

 

Told myself I wouldn't write that. Starting over tomorrow.

Again.

At least there's the one-shot. Hold on to the little things, right?...

 

Crap. Now I don't know whether to use the 'happy' photo or not.

So I haven't posted on here in a while... and I've been meaning to, there's some stuff I have to get out of my head. Although it may be for the best that I never post it... We'll see.

Most recently the reason for my absence is the fact that I was at a wedding Thursday and so I've been spending most of my free-time yesterday and today sorting through HUNDREDS of photos to find the best ones of each moment and posting them on Facebook. Now, normally when I say "HUNDREDS" I'm exaggerating, but THIS time it's literal. I was taking photos with Saria (my phone) because I forgot to ask for Ma's camera (and thus batteries FOR the camera) and figured Saria could do just as well if not better. But the thing is, being a ginormous phone that takes up the entire bottom half of my face, I was worried I would get a lot of blurry shots so -- seeing as how tapping a touch screen allows for MUCH faster photo-taking than a physical button, which has a lag in-between shots -- I decided on a method to increase my chances of good shots. Instead of tapping once to take the photo, I would take five-to-seven photos at a time. xP In my defense, the method totally worked. I got hardly any blurry shots and got TONS of beautiful ones...

But it also left me with OVER 343 photos to sort through...

So I may have overdone it... Maybe... Yeah.

But I'm down to the last 112 (approximately) so hopefully I can finish them up between tonight and tomorrow. She already left for her honeymoon so she won't see the entire album for another week, but at least I managed to sort through and post all the photos of the ceremony itself last night, so she got to see them before she left. :)

I'm so happy the wedding went well. I was having a lot of mixed feelings (not about her personally, about me/life-in-general), but thankfully they all went away before I woke up that morning so I was not an emotional wreck that day.

I'll post about that day and leading up to it, though... I need it out of my head.

I'm really proud of myself though. A lot of the photos are beautiful or stunning... :) I'm really proud to have been the one that took them.

 

Oh, another thing happened yesterday. My new bed (a futon) was delivered. :) Firm, just what I need, but comfortably so. I'm really excited about it; especially about the fact that it opens up so much room in my bedroom now. PLUS, now I have a comfortable place to sit for long sessions on Eilonwy. No more leg cramps from the tiny black chair, whoo!!

I wanted to write more but I better get back to the photos. I want to get a decent amount of the last 100+ done (if not all) before bed.

Ugh. I don't want to work tomorrow. Or rather, I don't want to see/deal with those people (supervisors). At least I've actually made some friends (I think). :) Although Stephanie still gives me way too much information... ><

S: "I'm excited!"
Me: "Why, what's going on?"
S: "I've been friends-with-benefits with this guy for a long time, and tonight we're finally going on a real date!"
Me: [What...uh... What do I say here? 'Congratulations'? I don't... I don't know what...] "Great... so finally official?"
S: "No, nothing's official yet, it's just a date."
Me: [What the hell-- What am I supposed to say here? 'Whoo, the dude you're boning is finally buying you dinner first'?]
S: "But it's about time, right?"
Me: *nervous laugh that I hoped she took as whatever she needs from me*
S: "I'm just worried about the restaurant, though. He said he was going to surprise me with a place, but I'm really picky about food."
Me: [Oh, sure, THAT you're picky about. *shakes head* Don't judge. Don't judge...] "Well, if he agrees to tell you the name before you go you can google it and take a look at their menu..."
S: "Yeah, I'll do that. Because I really don't want to ruin tonight. Finally, a date, and I can't go all 'I'll just nibble on some fries...'"

That went on for a little while longer. She's fun to fake-bicker with at the registers (whenever we're actually assigned next to each other), but that whole conversation (and a couple others) have weirded me out. But anyway, she, two other girls, and one guy are possibly my friends now so I'm happy. I've been losing faith about my friendship-making skills, lol.

Okay, now I'm REALLY going to jump back into the photo project. I'll post something soon, Xanga... 

I shouldn't be writing this. Even now I know I should just stop, delete these words, and exit the window. Or I could even just click the "cancel" button and click on "ok" when they ask if I'm sure...

It's what I should do.

But I'm happy.

And...

Even if it makes me write things I shouldn't,

I shouldn't hide away the times I'm happy.

 

I've been humming/singing along to songs in my head from today. Wonderful today. I got to see him again. I know it hasn't been long at all on paper, but I've been missing him and feeling his absence more and more. It was so good to see him... To hear him laugh and see that smile.

It still hurts, and I still wish things, but I can't help but be happy when I'm beside him all at the same time. I still catch myself hoping for the movie ending sometimes. But realistically I know my chances aren't great. Not because we weren't perfect before, but because-- well, I still don't really understand it all myself. I don't see or know what went wrong still, but it seems my heart is starting to consider allowing me to take Kagome's path and enjoy the love I have for this man and my time beside him, despite my limited role. I mean, I assume Kagome gets her perfect ending in the finale, I'm not sure, I never did finish seeing "The Final Act" season, but as for the english dub she spends their entire adventure in love with InuYasha, despite his early "decision" to be with Kikyo. (The quotes are because I'm pretty sure that decision was BS but, again, without seeing the final season I don't get the solid confirmation).

I just realized this isn't coming out the way I thought it would. Heh, I'm not explaining things quite right.

The point is, as of this moment he is still certain I'm not-- ... not the one... and... although it's still so hard to imagine how, I want to still be in his life. Because I'm still sure that he's-- ...

Anyway...

He'll meet someone.

He'll meet someone and fall in love with her and...

I may never be the one he looks at in that way anymore -- that look that is solely reserved for the one that has your heart -- but it is impossible, no matter what other emotion is happening simultaneously, for me not to feel joy when I'm with this man and if that is all I get for the rest of my life, I'll be grateful. Because it means he'll still be there. I'll still get to see him and laugh and joke and...

I'll be respectful. I won't cross any lines and I'll back off... 

 

But for now I'll enjoy days like this. Where I can be in his company and feel this... this incredible joy and warmth. I still wish, yes. I'm not denying that..

But at least, for the second consecutive time, I didn't have to act. And that is a huge thing for me.

And what elates me more is that he initiated it all. It feels so much better feeling like someone wants to see you versus your paranoid mind telling you they're only agreeing to see you.

And the idea that he may have really wanted to see me (albeit platonically, I'm not kidding myself) makes me so happy... I can't even describe.

Heh, I tried to style my hair with the blowdryer, but it was an utter failure. I ended up leaving the house with my normal poofy, frizzy hair but didn't care.

 

Because I got to see him today.

 

And I can't stop smiling.

 

 

Starships were meant to fly-i-i-i-i
Hands up, and touch the sky-i-i
Starships were meant to fly-i-i-i-i
Hands up, and touch the sky...

 

And bless him, I got a greeting and farewell hug. 

As amazing it is to be able to recall romantic sensory memories such as being kissed,

 

there is no sensation I cherish reliving more

 

than that of a real embrace from someone who loves me/and has my heart...

 

 

 

I'm in love. I don't care if I'm not supposed to be. 

It's amazing the things I can recall when I close my eyes. My sensory memory is pretty amazing. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that my emotions have always been at the tips of my fingers (figuratively) or if it's another oddity I can attest to being me. But wherever I am, I can close my eyes, breathe slowly, relive a memory (or fantasize) and immediately I can feel everything I had felt during the time of the incident. And I do mean feel, with my whole body, as if it is happening again. I just did it again while lying in bed (resting my foot) and when I opened my eyes I was so confused about my surroundings that I had to think hard to remember the proper date and circumstances of today to bring me back to reality.

It makes for some bittersweet moments, yes, especially when I recall romantic memories (such as Justin and I's first kiss) but I always have this moment where I just sit there stunned at how well I had felt everything. This isn't a new revelation, mind you, I've long discovered I could do this (as alluded to in the first paragraph), and on purpose, but I'm just writing about it now because today was so crystal clear that I honestly forgot where I was and when it was. I swear under different circumstances I could have been a fantastic actress, lol. 

Before I knew I could do this, however, it always spooked me when I would catch something from the past. For example, way back when I was still in OHS and pointlessly crying over Charles (so sometime during senior year), I would catch his scent while I'm walking in the middle of nowhere (as in no where near anyone else so something like cologne was not a possibility) and it would freak me out because I thought I was losing it or something. After discovering I could do this (still can't pinpoint when exactly that was) I tested the theory by closing my eyes and picking a memory. I caught his scent again but immediately lost it upon opening my eyes and acknowledging reality. 

Maybe I'm writing this as a way of asking if anyone else can do this at will?

It makes some things more haunting, especially for an emotional-ball-fest like me, but it also keeps the wonderful memories alive for sooo much longer than they might otherwise have been.

And sometimes I need a happy memory.

 

Even if it's as simple as the feeling of someone brushing my hair away from my face...

I dreamt about him last night, and this morning I can't stop thinking about the day he surprised me on campus...with a poem...

"A Poem for Little One"...

I still have both poems he wrote for me... I reread them now and just kept... crying...

 

He was better than perfect.... He was real...

 

And it kills me that he wasn't happy... with me...