September 20, 2012
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Swelling in the Foot and THouGhTs
I miss the words Sam held for me. But most of all, I miss the time they were spoken..
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My foot is in this weird in-between space where it's healed enough for me to stand and (very slowly and cautiously) walk around the house (as long as I'm not standing or walking for too long), but not enough to put on socks or sneakers.
I might miss work tomorrow. -_- My managers are sooo going to fire me soon. I don't think any of the important ones (the ones who make that kind of decision) like me at all. I called today and explained my worry that I might not make it in. Brandy (the evil one) seemed understanding for once, and told me to wait till around noon tomorrow before calling in for sure. Still, I bet if I do have to call in, she'd be rolling her eyes on the other side. It is a closing shift on a Friday night after all.
Then again, it's a closing shift on a Friday night. There is no way it'll be a slow traffic night, which means even if the managers agree to not have me do go-backs (i.e. be required to walk all over the damn warehouse-size-of-a-store) I'd still be on my feet all day with barely any breaks. Sure I can lean on my left one but eventually that one will be in pain too (like it was Sunday -- plus it's already been pretty sore with all the weight I've had to put on it this week).
And this is all if I can even WEAR A SHOE.
The swelling is almost gone, but my heel is still damn sensitive...
*sigh*
I'll just see how tomorrow morning goes and make the decision by noon. If I miss work, I'll be sure to get a note from the doc so that I have a chance of not getting written up for it. If I do go in, God help me have a bearable night.
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I've been feeling lower and lower lately. I miss being his someone's reason to smile. I miss having someone who always made me smile...
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Aww crap. I forgot to wash my hair. Shoot. Can I even stand long enough to wash it? Quickie/carefully performed showers are one thing but standing for an extra 30+ minutes on the hard tile to wash my hair? (Shut up, it's a LOT of hair.)
Ugh. My hair is going to be so oily by then though...
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*tentatively touches heel, winces.*
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Turns out my mattress problems will never be solved. It's me. Me. I'm the one making mattresses unbearable, full of craters, and horrid to my back. Mom and Dad switched rooms with me the past two nights as a test. THEY felt NO craters on my bed and on the second night I was feeling huge back-ache-y craters on theirs.
It's me.
Me and my furkin' ginormous butt.
What the hell am I going to do? Just sleep on the floor the rest of my life? Well I guess a hard futon might work... But what if I just bent up that one too?
MMPH. My heel. Sh**. That was sharp.
I'm thinking too much. Have too much to think about. This just wasn't how I thought I was going to spend my days off this week. I THOUGHT I was going to spend them actually doing Zumba, going out to a play, maybe out to the "beach" with Tiny (although that one might've been too lonely for me)...
And instead I was treating a swollen foot, limping my way around, going to the doc, getting precautionary x-rays, filling out a TOTALLY UNOFFICIAL INCIDENT REPORT AT WORK (WHAT THEY CAN'T EVEN DRAW UP FORMS!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THAT COMPANY!?), and wishing I had more of a reason to use my phone but could have realistically have dropped it into a dark hole and it would have barely made a difference.
I'm thinking too much.
Why is my heel throbbing again? Dammit, knock it off! I wasn't even doing anything!
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I still have Sam. I have somehow fought the urge to read any of the texts since the day I bought Saria (for fear of my reaction), but...
I still remember most of them...
I don't forget words easily...
Sometimes I wish I did...
Because it hurts sometimes...
It hurts remembering so many... and having to label them as just "memories" and other ones as "reality."
I told Dafne, "He'll eventually forget..."
and her immediate response was, "So will you." ... "It happened before..."No. It didn't. I never forgot. I remembered. That's the point. That's how I had let go.
But if one would be forgotten... please don't let it me us what we had...
But eventually... Especially if he moves away like he desperately wants to...
I'll be forgotten.
I'll be "that girl" that was his girlfriend "at that time."
"...but you'll be special to him for a long time. Even if it's not how you want."
I'm just so afraid...
And so selfish.
I should be grateful things are the way they are. After all, any other guy would have probably forgotten already, or would have disappeared from all forms of contact.
I'm so tired. My foot is sore. I don't have a place to sleep tonight. Am I even going to make it to work tomorrow? Am I being a baby about this? Justin went to work despite his conditions...
What floor can I sleep on tonight without risking jacking up my foot?
Don't reach for Sam. And there's no reason to reach for Saria.
There's nothing new.
